Ronda Rousey makes history on tonight's episode of Saturday Night Live as she becomes the first mixed martial artist to host the show. Will the former bantamweight kingpin turn in a championship performance, or will the unholy crucible that is live comedy expose yet another athlete? Keep it dialed to Bloody Elbow and join me, Rainer Lee, for a play-by-play of the carnage.
Also scheduled to appear tonight, a series of cast members who, if you're over 35, you'll insist will never be as funny as John Belushi. Or was it Jim Belushi? No, pretty sure it was John. John Belushi. But none of them will ever be as funny as Andrew Dice Clay, so what's the point of arguing?
The signal to drink tonight is whenever someone hits on Ronda only to get judo tossed on his head. Or when anything happens at all.
SNL 798: Ronda Rousey
(Broadcast at 11:30 p.m. ET)
Ronda Rousey vs. The Opening Monologue
I'm currently writing a play by play of a sketch that features a play by play. Slipping deep into a philosophical blackhole. Notable moments include a brief congratulations to Holly Holm and a bitch-slap to "Justin Bieber." She's talking a little fast, but otherwise looks pretty comfortable up there. Not a bad turn by the former champ so far.
Ronda Rousey vs. The Pre-Selena Gomez Sketches
First sketch of the night is a lampoon of the Golden Globes. Rousey seems to be playing one of the nominated actor's...girlfriends? P.S. she's wearing a brown wig. Annnnnnnnd...that's it. She had no lines.
Next sketch is pre-recorded. Ronda Rousey is a gawky high schooler on a date with the high school's most popular guy. Whoops, he fed her dog food, turns out the whole thing is a prank by the school's queen bees. Annnnnd she's slapping the hell out of them. A little predictable, but my living room likes it. Pushing pre-recorded segments is some Greg Jackson-level strategy.
Commercial-break factoid: O.J. Simpson is the Kardashians' godfather.
And we're back. Parody of a Bachelor-style dating show. Odds that they once again play up Rousey's ass-kicking-ness are high. Rousey's still mumbling her lines a little quickly, but her stage presence remains solid. True or False: Selena Gomez has the world's smallest face. And they made it a whole sketch without referencing Rousey's fight career!
Show is a 8-8 draw so far.
Music-break factoid: I have been misinformed. Sugar Ray Leonard is Khloe Kardashian's godfather.
Commercial-break factoid: Apparently, Cottonelle thinks that the only reason people don't go commando is for fear of getting feces on their pants. But now they have a new kind of toilet paper that properly cleans up feces.
Ronda Rousey vs. The Post-Selena Gomez Sketches
In case you missed it, Selena Gomez's performance was characterize by a bunch of guys in turtlenecks snapping their fingers in unison.
Next up is Weekend Update. Best anchor in the show's history? Norm Macdonald.
According to Colin Jost, today is National Compliment Day. Thanks for being so swell, guys, you're the best.
Whoa guys, McDonalds has mozzarella sticks. According to this commercial, McDonalds restaurants are full of young, attractive women taking selfies. The last time I saw a woman taking a photo in a McDonalds, she was documenting an ass beating her friend was giving another woman.
And we're back for only the third sketch of the night that features Rousey. She's playing one of two hot teachers who had intercourse with a student. The punchline is the same punchline you and your friends made when you were in high school.
Am I crazy or did they already do this sketch this year?
And it's becoming clear that, once again, Rousey is going to have no lines. Scratch that, she had two lines.
Commercial break factoid: I was in a Denny's once on New Year's Eve. They knocked pots and pans together and I realized I need to make better choices.
Next up, Ronda is playing a superhero that can melt metal with her mind.
Another pre-recorded segment featuring Ronda Rousey and her friends at a bar. Get ready to drink, guys.
Oh no, they're rapping. Is Ronda Rousey going to rap? Please no.
Crisis averted. She didn't rap, and they didn't trot out her judo.
In lieu of this show, you might want to watch current cast member Kyle Mooney's UFC segment that he did some years ago for Norm Macdonald's "Sport Show With Norm Macdonald."
Next up, a bunch of wacky citizens at a community meeting. It's almost over, still no Rousey.
Ah, here we go. She's playing a circus promoter. She's wearing a tiny little hat annnnnd before I can even finish this sentence she's off stage.
And just like that, it's the second musical number. Rousey's being given less and less to do. I don't know whether to be disappointed or relieved. To be fair, she's doing better on SNL than Tina Fey would do in the UFC. I think that's pretty flawless logic, don't you?
Next up, Ronda's playing a supervisor for a couple lovable goofballs. Mooney and Beck Bennett don't get a lot of laughs from the live audience, but I think they're actually pretty alright. Also, Rousey is again wearing a brunette wig. Why does she need to wear a wig?
And with that wig, the show is over. She's no Dwayne Johnson, but few are, right? Ultimately they employed a very conservative strategy designed not so much to win as to not lose, which I can't really fault them for. It could have gone worse (the January Jones episode comes to mind), and ultimately it's better to know and abide by her limitations than force speaking roles onto her. Considering the dicey weeks she's had leading up to this filming, I think she did an overall solid job.
I score it a 30-30 draw.
Thanks for sharing in this once-proud comedic tradition with me. You're a prince, each and every one of you.