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WTF: A juicy Sumo breakdown, and some massive big boy slapping

There’s no way getting slapped that hard is good for your skin. Wonder what kind of cream you need to help with that?

The Hulk vs. The Beast in SlapFIGHT Championship.
The Hulk vs. The Beast in SlapFIGHT Championship.
FITE TV screenshot

Disappointed by the most recent UFC main event? Don’t worry, we’re here to disappoint you here, too. But at least you might get a chuckle or two out of it. Maybe.

Our guy Jerry over at Fight Commentary Breakdowns brings us a true gem from the past. Here’s a boxing event out of Panama that there isn’t much info on. What we do know is that it starts off with some great warmups and some true promise until the fight actually begins.

And boy howdy, does this thing go off the rails like a Donkey Kong Country minecart.

BRUH.

Seriously, pick your moment. Any moment. The taunting and bravado, the knockdowns, the way the guy that knocks the other dude out fakes him out after dropping him, all that. Then there’s the ref, doing his honest best. At least within the confines of what was possible for him.

And yes, it’s messed up to see a guy keep eating shots after he’s dazed and scattering like a recently sprayed cockroach. This internet classic getting some new eyes is like unearthing some kind of internet treasure with a look and feel that you just don’t see anymore. It’s just the dumbest and weirdest form of blunt force trauma comedy possible, making it a guilty pleasure off the bat.


Moving along to Germany, we’ve got Defend FC with the goods. Not sure why they use the descriptors they use, but they’ve got an ENGINEER in a fight. Stinging leg kicks and some knees thrown with bad intentions are present here, and it’s a quick bout that looks rough.

Those leg kicks are just mean, man. Look at that.


We return stateside to witness the glory of SlapFIGHT and some of their recent duels. This one’s got a bit of everything. Some misfires, some not-so-great shots, and then sudden drama out of nowhere.

It’s not that hard to see the appeal after a while: get two guys that look incredibly disparate and have them take turns slapping each other silly. Sometimes it ends up like this, where one guy looks like a hippie botanist and the other a guy voted most likely to destroy beer drinking records at the steel mill in his high school yearbook.

It’s just absurd violence. But it also zeroes in on a very American object of fascination, buildups, lulls and a singularly explosive moment. Much like watching an NFL game or a western, it doesn’t seem like much is happening for most of it. In a western, the slow nature of it is often deliberate and measured, and the ruleset kind of lends itself to longer and drawn-out duels. And when it hits, it hits.

But here’s more:

You already know what it is. These two cats tangle in the Chungusweight division and start swinging hard for each other’s dome like they owe each other gas money. Neither guy is short on power, and you have to see this for yourself. It’s just two monsters smacking each other with Sammy Sosa swings.


Sumo analyst and YouTube curator Don Don has a great breakdown here of a few bouts form earlier on in May, and it’s a great dive into technique and understanding the minutiae of the art.

It’s so satisfying to see these guys to do what they do, but Don Don really makes things much easier to spot the details of where things go and why.


Here’s a Lethwei bout with a pronounced size difference. It’s a brief one, but got some serious “wow“ moments. The heart on display is off the charts.


Finally, we’ve got this collection of amazing Capoeira moments. No notes. Just beautiful flowing action.

Life is rough. Put some headphones on and get lost for an hour. But be back before dinner. And remember - you might think you can fight, but there are many guys like you all over the world.