On Friday night there’s a celebrity boxing thing involving cast members from Big Brother US and Big Brother Canada. Honestly, I have no idea who any of these people are and I certainly won’t be watching them wing punches at each other until they gas out.
But there was a TikTok vs. YouTubers boxing event recently that we did zero coverage on and apparently that was a mistake. That thing did gangbusters elsewhere, so now we are doing the bare minimum for this tripe just in case this is something people on the Internets actually care about.
We didn’t cover the TikTok thing mainly because we thought it was beneath us. If we’d let our feelings of superiority slip we would have probably recognized that TikTok was a runaway train with Gen Z and that we could have gotten a lot of reads/clicks if we had put out a few posts about it.
I don’t think this Big Brother thing is likely to be a hit like that one was. Does anyone actually watch that show? I have no idea. But just in case it is, I’m gonna spend 15 minutes doing a stream of consciousness preview here and a live discussion post on Friday night. It happens on Friday night at 7PM ET, by the way, and can be viewed on Fite.TV.
If I was really phoning this in I would just cap this post off at 250 words. That’s what our SEO people say we need in order to have our post appear high up in google searches. But, you know, what? I got ten more minutes to spare so let’s actually look at this fight card.
Full disclosure, I spent the first half of my life in England so my Big Brother knowledge tops out at Jade Goody’s verruca and Bubble building a tower out of sugar-cubes.
I found a video, though.
Only 183 views. Yikes. I’m probably wasting my time with this thing.
Anyways, too far into it to quit now. Here are the fights:
Tom ‘Tommy Boy’ Plant vs. Jeremy ‘The Manimal’ McGuire
I am literally just looking at the Celebrity Net Fights homepage which includes these peoples’ names, pictures and measurements. No way I’m doing any more research than that.
Tommy Boy is 5’ 10 and 225 lbs and Manimal is 6’5” and 225 lbs (I assume these stats refer to his human form). I guess the bigger guy will win. He also has hand-wraps in his picture, so there’s that.
Godfrey ‘The Finesse God’ Mangwiza vs. Enzo ‘The Meow Meow’ Palumbo
Godfrey is 5’10” and 185 lbs. Palumbo is 6’ 10” and 185 lbs.
I enjoy the bravado of going with ‘meow meow’ as a nickname, but Palumbo looks pretty old in the picture. So I assume ‘The Finesse God’ is the favourite here.
Dallas ‘D-Train’ Cormier vs. Nick ‘The Landlord’ Maccarone
Cormer is 5’10” and 185 lbs and Maccarone is 6’0” and 190 lbs.
I just hope a landlord gets smashed.
Faysal ‘Fessy’ Shafaat vs. Jon ‘The Fessy Hunter’ Pardy
This is the co-main event and these are a couple of big boys. Fessy is 6’3” and 225 lbs. Fessy Hunter is 6’ 5” and 240 lbs.
There’s probably a big back story regarding these nicknames. If you know it, good for you. I’m definitely not looking it up.
The Fessy Hunter guy looks like someone who would talk my ear off at a ren fair about Krav Maga. There is an intensity about him, though. The other guy looks like half the 1-2 dudes on Tapology. I say he wins, mostly because I think the other guy won’t do a good enough job tying his hair up and will be futzing with that the entire fight.
Veronica ‘Vicious V’ Doherty vs. Kaycee ‘Kool Hands’ Clark
This is the main event and it comes with a little more info. Both women weigh 145 lbs. Doherty (the Canadian) is 5’5” and her American opponent is 5’9”. Doherty is 28, five years younger than Clark.
Reach! They actually have reach listed. Clark has a 1.5 inch advantage. Clark also has two HOH wins... ???
So both these ladies went with identical poses. It’s the one where you look straight at the camera with one fist straight out and the other by the side of your head. Clark has a twist on the end of her punch though, and the other hand is held higher. She’s also wearing a hoodie, so this pic may have been taken while actually training. Despite being a homer for Canadians, I pick ‘Kool Hands’.
Ok, that’s your lot. Now please enjoy slandering me in the comments below. Also check out the Twitter and Facebook replies if you want to see people get really mean.
If you found this at all entertaining, maybe you’ll like the piece I do on Friday which promises to have even less enthusiasm and attention to detail.
Again, I don’t care about this event. Bloody Elbow does not care about this event. But if people flock to it and we get a ton of traffic on these posts that’s awesome. It makes our bosses happy and that in turn gives us a longer leash to go after the stories we are better known for.
If you actually like our site, then I know you’ll understand that.
EDIT: A previous edition of this story included the term ‘LETS, spelled with an apostrophe. This has been corrected. Tim Bissell apologizes for any harm this may have caused.