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Judo Chump: NHL Superman punch slightly inconveniences opposing hockey player

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Gotta reroll your points and put more of them into the punching category, my dude.

Winnipeg Jets v Minnesota Wild Photo by Harrison Barden/Getty Images

I say it almost every time. I’ve said it so many times. Enough for it to be a mantra.

At some point in his life, every man thinks he can rap, and every man thinks he can fight.

Yet for some reason grown individuals continue to engage in acts of punchmanship as if it were something to do. And in today’s example, we’ll see how that has the most humiliating consequence of all: looking like a horse’s ass in front of God and country.

Today’s case took place during a hockey game, another sport of which I know very little and care even less to learn about. I hear it’s more fun in person, which I will believe because it will get anyone trying to convince me of it to shut up. Stop proselytizing. I am utterly incapable of caring.

What I do care about is a scuffle that took place between players of the Winnipeg Jets (an actually cool name) and something called the Minnesota Wild (buh?). What is so wild? Is this a failed Target slogan from the 90s repurposed for a franchise name? I am a confuse. At least Western Canada gave us former BE writer Nick Baldwin (hi Nick!!).

So Marcus Foligno decides he’s going to square off against Brenden Dillon (a most hockey name, truly), and he starts off with a nice feint with the lead hand. He decides to go with a reliable technique: A Superman punch. Here’s how that went:

Then they grabbed each other and punched each other with their free hands. Not even in the cool Dambé way, either. It did not spark joy.

Look, we can’t all be Georges St Pierre. We can at least somewhat emulate him via other means (RIP, United Front Games). But I’d like to think there’s perhaps some better way to go for that move, especially if you’re gonna throw that as your opening gambit.

It’s hard enough to pull that off on skates to begin with, now you’re gonna do that and look goofy in the process, too? Couldn’t be me. Instead of adding himself to the annals of internet immortality like these guys, he gets clowned on by an miserable, jaded internet writer that cannot possibly skate in a straight line, much less do what he does professionally for a living. Or at least supposed to be doing, which I assumed wasn’t fighting other dudes.

Perhaps this could be the start of a conversation of the perceptions of American attitudes towards violence in sports, because while MMA and boxing are viewed as violent and not for the squeamish, major media loves to share fights during football and baseball games. And in hockey, it’s literally part of the game.

I’m not sure why watching a bunch of untrained and unpolished guys punching each other and specifically giving them a break during the game to duke it out is a good thing. In fact, they don’t plan on changing this, which they should since it always looks sloppy and doesn’t help. Especially since they look big dumb trying to punch each other’s helmets with bare fists.

Worst of all, dude whiffed. Like, by a lot. Minimal head movement was necessary and the most anyone got out of it was a few yuks. But we have to give a man at least a smidge of respect for one thing: he tried it. He rolled the dice and came up with snake eyes, but he tried it.