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Judo Chump: Here’s that NFL athleticism that MMA is missing

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More like National Fisticuffs League, amirite? No? You know what? Y’all a bunch of ingrates.

Chicago Bears v Detroit Lions
“Yeah, I hit that man. Don’t ask me why.“
Photo by Rey Del Rio/Getty Images

This week, there was a football activity, part of a sport that I neither watch nor enjoy, also a sport I will take great pains to avoid learning anything about. We cover the MMA, a far superior sport where opponents can punch each other whilst upright or prone, in various stages of undress.

Now, I understand many of you are also not very familiar with this sport. It’s boring as hell and remarkably overrated, but it’s also not anywhere near as big as the MMAs. So I’ll try my absolute best to keep things as simple as possible.

I’ve seen a game or two of the professional football, and it is simply rather unimpressive. I didn’t watch this particular game, but I was able to surmise it was a dramatic affair from the box score. Oh, it was a most amazing game. The Saints of New Orleans took on the Bears of Chicago. The Saints triumphed by kicking a pigskin ball through a big “H”. A most ripping victory.

We are not, however, here to discuss the intricacies of a sport made for degenerate gamblers and run by the worst two-bit hustlers this country can produce. We’re here to discuss how Javon Wims cheap-shotted Chauncey Gardner-Johnson after a play in the goofiest of ways.

(hat tip to Amy Kaplan, because this quote is choice)

Wims shows up after the play, pats Gardner-Johnson on the chest, presents that same left hand for a split second (perhaps as a distraction, one would assume) and lands a monster overhead right. This being football and these being active players on the field, you may have considered that Garnder-Johnson was wearing perhaps may have been wearing his helmet.

Why, yes. Yes he was. Gardner-Johnson no-sells it and stands there, stupefied. Wims’ hand didn’t seem to suffer any damage, so he follows up with an open hand smack resembling a palm strike with that same right hand to start a 1-2 combo. Things got much more heated. A third player, a Saints teammate, rushed in and jumped on Wims’ back while holding on for dear life. Then a slew of guys come in and attempt to break things up as they fall over each other like a game of Fall Guys.

We should note that Wims has apparently not been a stranger to this sort of situation, seeing as he had an altercation a while back of a similar nature. And that was a battle against a teammate. Imagine that? Getting into beefs with guys on your own team and the headline is “he’s lucky he’s not limping after that“? If he fought the way he did here, yeah. That makes perfect sense. Ten gallons of athletic ability and yet just a thimbleful of technique and finesse. It’s like the old Dominican saying: “god gives beards to those without chins.”

Gardner-Johnson is not to blame for not setting up any parries or ducking under for a double-leg, but it would have come in handy. Wims clearly is a striker, and the best way to defeat one is to do a wrestle, as clearly proven in the super-secret Kumite. Perhaps Wims figured he could summon the power of Mike Russow by tapping into the proper chi level, but we are not impressed with his performance. Kaepernick would never look this goofy, and he still can’t get a fair shake.

Shout out to the teammate (whose name I also refuse to learn) for jumping on Wims’ back, though. If you can’t do much else, at least being a human JanSport is enough to help out a friend. And in the end, isn’t that what we should want for our best buds? Friends don’t let friends get styled on, so be safe out there.