THE FINAL FOUR IS NOW CLOSED - PLEASE PROCEED TO THE GRAND FINALE
STALWART AS THE POINTS ON A COMPASS, the seasons in a year - we are finally left with four mighty memes, a quartet of quixotic quagmires. The fourth annual Mythical Fighting Championships is winding down, and only two more bouts must be decided before our Grand Finalé. The choice is before you, eclectic elbowers, and I trust you with it like I trust a toddler with superglue, but what the hell, right?
ROUND 3 STATISTICS
- CLOSEST MATCH: Your number 1 seed, First 24:59 Korean Zombie (1), continues to lord over the 2019 brackets, but this was his toughest test yet, toppling Cool Balls Derrick Lewis (9) by only 3 votes. [23-20] Stay cool, Lewis. Stay cool.
- BIGGEST BLOWOUT: The Dark Place is where Conor McGregor's Dolly (2) was forged. Turns out Dark Place Ngannou (26) only had a sublet there. [30-18]
- UPSETS: Nada. Favorites went 4 for 4 in the Elite 8 round.
- REMAINING SEEDS: The Final 4 picture is finally clear. All wildcard entrants have been eliminated. Your number 1, 2 and 4 seeds have all held their ground, and the final slot belongs to Video Game Developer Jon Jones (11). Jones has proven to be one of the fiercest mythical fighters we have ever seen, overcoming what was surely the toughest route to the semi-finals that any of the remaining competitors faced. Let's take a closer look at...
THE FINAL FOUR
First 24:59 Korean Zombie (1) by LautrecOfCarim
(illo by POTUS_Muffley)
So far in this tournament, no one has managed to drag the Zombie into deep enough waters to capitalize on his only weakness, a complete and utter defensive breakdown in the very last second of a five round fight. Your number 1 seed has his glassy eyes fixed on the Hall of Infamy, but first he must turn his attention to...
Infinity Gauntlet Paul Harris (4) by Bilal Yusuf
A mythical beast of interstellar origins, now finally free of mortal constraints such as "testing pools" and "jiu jitsu ethics," Paul Harris has achieved his final form, an inexplicably yoked af super-villain with more or less unlimited powers.
Dolly (2) by Bilal Yusuf
Nerves of steel. An iron chin. He lifts, bro. Took out four fighters with a single strike. Doesn't know how to tap. The superlatives for our number 2 seed go on and on. McGregor's mighty launch has propelled the Dolly all the way to the Final 4 of the most ludicrous tournament in MMA.
Video Game Developer Jon Jones (11) by LautrecOfCarim
When I told Jon Jones about his spot in the 2019 Mythical Fighting Championships Tournament, he couldn't have been more excited. Now this inauspicious entrant has cheat-coded and backdoor-programed his way into the semi-finals, along the way dispatching fan favorites Pride-Era Brock (25), Actual Eagle Khabib (6), and Soccer Kicks Shogun (42). Jones didn't blink twice at this murderer's row before him....because blinking three times was actually the signal we worked out for "help me."
FINAL 4 BRACKETS
There you have it, folks and freaks. The semi-finals have boiled down to a double dose of Bilal vs. Lautrec. One thing is for sure - whoever wins, they still probably won't bother explaining what the hell this is to their friends. Vote in the comments. Tweet @ your favorite mythical fighters. Kindly rec the series and stay tuned for the 2019 Mythical Grand Finalé next week - we've cooked up a main card full of madcap matchups for all the mythical minions.
Semi-final voting open thru 2/16.