Inside The Ultimate Fighter: The best-selling tell-all book that never was

I am the author of a book called Inside The Ultimate Fighter.

Don’t look for it at Amazon. You won’t find it. The publishing industry works that way sometimes, particularly when it comes to dealing with the volatile world of MMA.

Or, as Paul Shaffer lamented in This Is Spinal Tap, I got no timing.

Here’s the quick timeline:

2010: Not wanting to spend every weekend either in an office or at an event while my kids grow up, I hand in my notice at USA TODAY, which had been nice enough to employ me for more than a decade and entrusted me with the MMA beat the last couple of years. I go freelance just as my first soccer book is published, and I figure my second book should be an MMA book. The topic: The Ultimate Fighter.

2010-11: But wait! USA TODAY still needs a ton of MMA content and other help. And ESPN brings me in to cover women’s soccer. This freelancing thing is pretty sweet, even if it’s slowing down progress on my MMA book. Still, I manage to swing up to Newark to see a TUF tryout with the UFC’s blessing -- more on that later, but the highlights were John Dodson’s dazzling audition and Clay Guida falling asleep against a wall -- and I fly out to Vegas to see the TUF 13 finale and do a few interviews.

2012: Freelancing is feast or famine. USA TODAY buys MMA Junkie and no longer needs my services. ESPN retools as well, using fewer freelancers in my areas of interest. No matter -- I can finally wrap up this book and make a concerted effort to sell it. I hole up in my usual writing home, the closest and friendliest Starbucks, and work my way through it.

The book would serve as both an introduction for newbies and a reference guide for those who have seen it all. It would recap all 14 seasons on Spike and the first season on Fox networks. (The “Live” season. Remember that one?)

The UFC was cooperative for the most part, though scheduling an interview with Dana White was more challenging than it used to be, given the explosion in UFC programming that required his attention. But I was able to get the “other” side as well. I spoke with Noah Inhofer about his ouster from the show. I spoke with Ken Shamrock about his unflattering portrayal. The UFC knew what I was doing and gave me far less pushback than a lot of online conspiracy theorists would expect.

The next step: Selling the book. It certainly seemed like a no-brainer. White himself had joked with me about how much more it would sell than my first book, Long-Range Goals: The Success Story of Major League Soccer. My agent was thrilled with the idea.

I got a phone conversation with a major publishing-house person I’ll call Mr. Big, who had shepherded a couple of big MMA books into existence. He was really excited about the book. And really scared of Dana White.

Big: “Yeah, this looks great! I just need to be sure Dana and the UFC are cooperating.”

Me: “Sure, no problem. They’ve been great.”

“Because, you know, Dana’s support can make or break a book.”

“Definitely. But don’t worry. Dana actually embarrassed me with all the praise he gave me when he visited USA TODAY a while back. And he’s -”

“‘Cause you know, if he’s not on board, he can pretty well bury it.”

“OK, he’s not going to do that. This book hardly goes into any controversies that aren’t already in the show. They know I’ve talked with Inhofer and Shamrock, and they don’t seem worried about it.”

“But you know, when Joe Rogan started talking about that Forrest Griffin book, it took off.”

“Yeah … OK. I don’t know if -”

“So I just need to know if Dana is aware of this book and is willing to help.”

“Absolutely. The UFC let me sit in on an audition for the show, and Dana even offered to do an interview in his private plane, though I couldn’t go because -”

“If he doesn’t help, then I don’t see how this would work.”

“OK … again, don’t worry about that. Dana is actually excited, other UFC executives have been in touch, and I’ve laid the groundwork for -”

“Oh … I just worry Dana might bury this.”

I didn’t get the book deal. I never heard again from Mr. Big, who may or may not be hiding under his desk from Dana White and/or my agent.

I was so frustrated with the TUF book’s failure that I spent 2013 following around the Washington Spirit, a new pro women’s soccer team, for a “season in the life” book called Enduring Spirit: Restoring Professional Women’s Soccer to Washington, which I would self-publish to save some time and aggravation. I met some cool people, but nothing really interesting happened in the season other than a whole lot of Spirit losses, and nobody bought the book. (“Nobody” is a slight exaggeration, but I think the number of people who tell me they’ve read it is greater than the number of actual book sales, which you can see in real time when you self-publish.)

So this book sat idle. At some point, I went back and scanned through it, and it still seemed like a half-decent book to me, even if The Ultimate Fighter wasn’t the ratings juggernaut it used to be.

I had done a ton of interviews. Some were just quick chats at regular media availabilities or a couple of TUF-related questions tacked on to an interview for a USA TODAY story. Some chatted with me at the tryout I attended. Some were kind enough to carve out some time to talk on the phone or take a few questions over the internet. The complete (I think) list: Gilbert Burgos, Shonie Carter, Luke Cummo, Brian Diamond, John Dodson, Rob Emerson, Rashad Evans, Tony Ferguson, Kenny Florian, Rich Franklin, Ed Herman, Sam Hoger, Noah Inhofer, Michael Johnson, Josh Koscheck, Chris Lytle, Travis Marx, Cody McKenzie, Tom Murphy, Seth Petruzelli, Nam Phan, Brendan Schaub, Ken Shamrock, Kimbo Slice, Mike Swick, Abe Wagner and Savant Young.

And plenty of UFC people were helpful along the way, especially Kirk Hendrick of the legal team and a series of media reps including Jen Wenk, Caren Bell and Dave Sholler.

I also did tons of spreadsheets on TUF fighters’ results, but Bloody Elbow has already covered all that.

It seemed a shame to let it all go to waste.

I had an idea. In between my various other assignments, I would reshape the book into a memoir of my time covering MMA, focusing less on The Ultimate Fighter and more on the unlikelihood of an out-of-shape nerd like me who’s never thrown a punch at a human being could end up writing about people who kick, hit, choke and mangle each other. The title: How the Hell Did I End Up Cageside?: An Accidental MMA Writer’s Memoir.

Don’t look for it at Amazon. Not yet. But before the end of the year, I hope.

Yet I still had all this material on The Ultimate Fighter, much of it unique. Rashad Evans had rambled through some stories so quickly I had trouble following him. Sam Hoger more or less admitted to trolling for attention. Kenny Florian revealed that the Season 1 producers hadn’t realized how much food a bunch of fighters in intense training would require. Brian Diamond, a Spike executive at the time, gave some behind-the-scenes insight. Ken Shamrock griped about the alcohol in the house.

And yes, Tom Lawlor -- always a great interview, even when I’m practically following him into the sauna for a weight cut -- talked about pissing on food.

“It’s a trip, dude,” Matt Mitrione told me. “It's a real strange environment.”

And I did what might be classified today as an early adventure in binge-watching. Every episode of the Spike seasons used to be available online, so I sat down and watched every bleeping episode. (One or two had some glitches, so I missed a few scenes.) I also pulled the Nevada commission records on the fights to put dates to the fights in the show. One example of brutal overload: In 2010, Kris McCray fought Jan. 23 (to get in the house), Feb. 8, Feb. 16, Feb. 23 and March 2.

So what will happen with all this stuff?

You’re going to see it right here.

My relationship with Bloody Elbow got off to a great start back when I was doing a general-sports blog at USA TODAY and just starting to mention MMA. Luke Thomas emailed me to tell me, with great eloquence, that I had written something quite stupid. In fairness, it probably was. And I eventually recognized Bloody Elbow as a terrific site that does things I wish we did in the soccer media -- detailed technical breakdowns, legal analysis, accounting investigations, etc.

In the weeks leading up to The Ultimate Fighter 25: Junie Browning’s Revenge (not the official name -- and yes, I corresponded with Browning before he dropped off the face of the Earth a few years ago), I’ll share excerpts of the book that never was, updated for 2017.

As Brock Lesnar would say, let’s make chicken s—- into chicken salad.