Reliving The Season That Cardio Forgot
NewChallenger: As if to help us keep this series relevant, the MMA gods have blessed us with Kimbo-centric news: Of course, I am referring to the booking of Slice versus Dhafir "DaDa5000" Harris at Bellator 149 next February.
Now I know this is going to hurt my standing as an expert in the field of MMA, but I have to confess I know little about this DaDa fellow. Perhaps you can fill in some of the blanks for me, PunisherBass?
PB: I know slightly more about DaDa than 100% of the people who were in the Kiel Center (St. Louis represent!) on Friday night. While you heard crickets chirping and a collective "Who?", I was saying "Wait, are you fucking kidding me!?"
As I mentioned in a previous week, DaDa is as close to a Kimbo Klone as you can get. He is a backyard brawler who built his name on the internet, he is/was friends with Kimbo as well as being part of his "team" back in the day. And he’s compiled a 2-0 record, but he hasn’t fought since Obama was still in his first term. A fight between them was rumored to be booked sometime after Kimbo’s UFC release, but it never came together.
He was also the star of a documentary called Dawg Fight, which you can go watch on Netflix right now, and it will probably tell you more than I can. I’m willing to bet money that Spike will be doing a special broadcast of it before the event airs. I find it very amusing that Bellator thought everyone would automatically know his name only for it to go over like a wet fart during a wedding.
Anyway, back to six years in the past!
Quinton is making excuses for Junk’s loss to Meathead and his seventh loss in a row by saying that getting dropped just "threw him off his game". No, he didn’t simply "get dropped", he got knocked flat on his ass a good five or six times in the opening round alone.
NC: I actually think it’s fair to say that that initial knockdown essentially put Junk out of the fight though. He looked completely punch drunk for the remainder of the contest. I’m not saying he’s a world beater by any stretch, but he had to be better than what we saw, right?
PB: I’ve been spoiled by the last several fights since they were all quick finishes, these clips are making me say it was easily the worst fight since we started these recaps. We’re shown clip after clip of them exhausted, hands at their side, just barely throwing leather at each other with no power behind them and very little landing.
Junk says if there had been a third round, he would have won. Yeah, and if a frog had wings it wouldn’t bump its ass. If we got another round of that it would have looked as bad if not worse than Shivers/McSweeney back in week two.
The replays continue as we’re shown Jackson destroying the door again, I’m honestly shocked and surprised that Tiki wasn’t right behind him to throw a few pissy little kicks of his own at the pile of cardboard aftermath.
NC: Dana cracks a funny saying that what really sucks about Rampage’s, er, rampage, is that it shows how cheap the show’s doors are.
PB: Evans calls Jackson an idiot (in so many words) for tearing up a door in anger instead of being mad at himself like he should be, and in the back Quinton is seething.
NC: It’s particularly ridiculous because as Rashad points out, Rampage has shown zero investment in his team up to this point.
PB: Oh god, this right here is the second most horrifying thing I’ve seen on this show, McSweeney holding a cold compress to Junk’s black eye, I swear it looks like if Junk had any hair, James would be gently stroking it at the same time.
Junk? Stroking? Phrasing!
Oh? What’s the #1 most horrifying thing? Tiki rubbing Jensen’s chest to wake him up after getting choked out in training a few weeks ago. That’s going to stick with me for a long time to come.
NC: The gash in Abe Wagner’s skull has something to say about all this.
PB: Some people can’t handle blood, I can’t handle a guy who’d look right at home on a sex offender registry.
At night while in the hot tub, Wes Sims reveals that he’s not done fucking with Meathead by any stretch, and says he’s planning a party to celebrate his first win. As I’ve already said, I only watched this season once when it first aired and I write this on the fly, so I’m going to make a prediction here. My gut tells me it’s going to involve couch stuffing, Hershey’s chocolate syrup, glitter, and fire of some sort.
Let’s see how close I end up being.
Nope, he’s just going to cover him in silly string while yelling "CELEBRATE!" When Matt asks him to stop because his head is really really hurting (it’s up for debate if he’s serious or just acting), Wes actually does and leaves him be. And some say his frosted tips grew three sizes that day.
NC: I would be surprised if Matt wasn’t suffering from concussion-like symptoms after that glorified bumfight. Then again, the way he talks, I imagine it would be hard to tell the difference.
Nothing helps you get over being punched in the head a hundred times like your housemate walking into your room and dousing you in sticky white stuff.
PB: During a Team Silver training session, there’s no telling when this was shot, and Marcus Jones is T I R E D. He’s sweating profusely and can barely manage to move around due to the exhaustion. Jackson says that he’s going to tear down a cardboard wall if Marcus ends up losing. Remember those Mikey Burnett GIF’s from a few weeks ago? I’d say that makes Mikey a tougher son of a bitch than Jackson.
NC: Hundreds of thousands of eyes rolled when Rampage talked about how much he feels for his losing fighters. This is better acting than we saw in The A-Team! Hiyoooo!
PB: Back from commercial, we see that a good sized camel spider has invaded the house, and it turns out that The Darkness has a bad case of arachnophobia. This causes him to scream in terror and cry for help. After Justin Wren rushes to his aid, Jones asks the camera crew to erase the tape of him freaking out. In a later interview he says "I figured if I screamed loud enough, it would deafen the creature and give someone else a chance to sneak up on it".
For all his flaws as a fighter, Marcus is an OK dude. Besides, I’m the same size as him and have a pathological fear of wasps and hornets, so I can’t really throw stones in this situation.
The best part is when Abe Wagner digs the corpse out of the trash just so he can toss it at Big Baby, which causes him to scream in terror once again, jump up and run the hell away. This has to be one of the best moments of the season by far.
It works better with the audio, so here’s our best shot at transcription: "OOOOWOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
NC: Marcus lives up to every big softie stereotype ever. He also lets out this big dopey laugh whenever he learns something new in training. As you can tell from the previous recaps, I’m not a fan, but there was a lot of star power here. It’s a shame that he chose to go pro in MMA so late in his athletic life. There just wasn’t enough time for him to learn the skills needed for a legitimate UFC run.
This episode does go a long way towards rehabilitating his childish image. They touch upon his NFL career and the montage communicates his passion and work ethic well. Really, the best part is when he gets to do something that we’ve all wanted to do since about the halfway point of episode one:
PB: Since we had a dose of funny, now it’s time for a dose of seriousness. Mike Wessel says that he hates having to be away from his wife, who was undergoing cancer treatments at the time. He chokes up a bit while talking about her, saying that he’s made sure a card with a little note from him gets delivered to her every day to help keep her spirits up.
That would be really sad and touching… if it was true. I’ll go more in depth in my "Where Are They Now" fanpost after we’re done with this season, but it was all bullshit. Wessel would later claim that he wife lied to him and made it all up, but in a recent podcast done by Schaub and Mitrione, they said he was the source of the story and made it up to get on the show.
The pair also said that the producers knew the truth long before the rest of the cast did, so maybe that’s why we’ve been told next to nothing about him before now?
NC: Regardless, the show does its job of presenting the cancer story and creating some sympathy for Mike who, as you mentioned, was a blank slate before this episode. The other angle they push is that he’s small, compact, and powerful, like Mike Tyson, which comes off as desperate at least to me.
PB: Back at the house, Schaub has drawn a couple doodles of Marcus and taped them to the kitchen window, but not before Wessel has added "sucks balls" to the bottom of one.
It's scientifically proven that adding "sucks balls" to anything makes it ten times funnier.
See? This is why the TUF house needs some board games on hand all times, you put a bunch of guys together with the mentality of 8 year olds and no distractions and this is what happens.
NC: You’re really not going to let this board game thing go, are you?
PB: I don’t see you coming up with a better idea. Someone reading this, photoshop me a picture of Big Baby playing D&D!
NC: This week, Roy Nelson and Kimbo Slice face off again…in a game of Connect Four! Smell the ratings!
PB: Why stop there? I can just imagine Mike Rowe saying "Who will make the other say ‘You sunk my battleship!’"
NC: …actually, that probably would get a huge rating.
PB: Big Baby does not find it the least bit humorous and tears them off before going outside to be alone in anger. I think Mike misunderstood that whole "If your opponent is angry" line from The Art Of War, because all he did was piss off a much larger man who up to now had been very calm and easy going.
NC: This is the part where I turned on Marcus again. What an overreacting jerk. He gets self-righteous about his family possibly watching and being offended, then he proceeds to go on a profanity laced tirade. Yuck.
PB: What does the 800 lb. gorilla do? Whatever the fuck he wants. I think it’s better that he just gets pissed off, I admit over nothing, instead of losing it like Meathead did with Madsen over the OJ, or worse. Who knows, maybe Marcus got picked on a lot as a kid?
NC: That would explain all the murders.
PB: In the gym while Jones is checking his weight, Jackson and Roy Nelson actually lift shirts and do a belly bump of their own. Quinton is clearly sporting a decent beer gut of his own here, lending credibility to Mike Dolce’s claims of him starting camp at 245 pounds for the Evans fight, which is why what’s about to happen pisses me off even more.
Schoonover walks in and Jackson greets him with a "Hey Titties! Titties come over here and talk to me. Come on Titties, let’s make up." Darrill offers a handshake and Quinton goes in for a hug… then cups the left side of his chest and gives a squeeze.
Rampage’s version of an apology.
Darrill responds by shoving him to the edge of the cage and getting right in his face telling him to knock it the fuck off. They exchange a few "COME ON!"‘s at each other before Schaub steps in and pulls Schoonover away.
Quinton starts to laugh before Tiki comes over to say "I thought you motorboated him". I involuntarily shout "OH FUCK YOU!" at my tv screen. If I hadn’t made it abundantly clear over the last 7 weeks, I really… really… really hate Tiki’s guts.
Oh if I had my druthers… Dark dirty bathroom, some heavy duty chains, and a hacksaw. That’s all I’m saying…
I get the sense that Quinton either doesn’t know what personal space is, or just doesn’t care about respecting it. "You should never grab somebody’s titty if they don’t like it" he says. I’m sure Karyn Bryant would like to have a word with you about that.
NC: The whole scene makes it look like Quinton is completely incapable of sincerity. Rather than issue another apology, he goes back to chuckling and making bad jokes. It’s obvious that he’s embarrassed by the whole thing and actually does want things to be cool, he just has no concept of how to reach that point having pushed Darrill one step too far.
The next Tiki scene made me scared for PunisherBass’s keyboard, his monitor, his sanity, any surrounding friends or family…
PB: Tiki drops a "That’s what she said" to one of Quinton’s comments. A runaway bread truck, a single lightning strike, softball sized chunk of hale. Anything like that, that’s all I’m asking for. And take four shots while you’re at it.
You know what Tiki reminds me of? Other than a rancid jar of mayo that somehow gained the ability to talk? This old cartoon.
Was one of the requirements to get on this show "Have at least one really large and terrible tattoo"?
NC: To get into the sport, really.
Team Rampage’s Marcus Jones (4-1) v. Team Rashad’s Mike Wessel (8-2)*
(* Records according to Sherdog, not the records listed on the show)
PB: The fight starts and Marcus shows this really oddball striking stance when he first comes out. It’s just strange the way he holds his hands up.
NC: The whole episode, Team Rashad has been trying to tell Mike that size doesn’t matter. Guess what happens in the first clinch.
PB: Marcus goes for a kimura before switching to back control about 30 seconds in. 10 seconds later Mike spins around into full guard only to almost instantly get caught in an armbar and the ref calls it off.
NC: When a guy that big tugs on your arm, you’ve got to submit and that’s what Mike does yelling "tap" at the top of his lungs.
PB: Evans is so pissed off by his first loss that he picks up a sledge hammer to go outside and starts busting up cars… oh wait no he doesn’t. He handles it like an adult, he says he’s disappointed but still proud his guys went 7-1.
NC: In a funny moment, Marcus compares the win to doing crack and Rampage asks him how he would know what that’s like.
PB: Jackson says that he’s going win the show. No, no he’s not.
The episode should be over now, but they’re going to spend the last 10 minutes setting up the next round of the tournament. They’re bringing the fighters out one by one to ask them who they’d like to fight, Evans jokes "You’re going to be waiting a while, aren’t you Rampage?"
NC: The consensus seems to be that Darrill, Justin, and Matt are easy pickings. Everyone except Big Country (and Matt himself, because that would be weird) ask for Mitrione. Speaking of Nelson…
PB: When it’s Roy’s turn, Dana gets pissed that Nelson says he matches up well with all of them. Well… he’s not wrong. There’s a difference between talking shit and then backing it up, which Roy can do. White then bitches that his fight with Kimbo wasn’t very exciting, to which Roy basically responds with "Yeah, and…?"
He explains that he took the smart path by exploiting where Kimbo was the weakest, because why take damage when you need to fight three times in just a few short weeks.
NC: Dana makes that face that he makes when someone is talking sense to him and he has no retort.
You know the one.
PB: When Jones comes out, he doesn’t really have any opinions on who he should fight, he’d rather defer to Quinton. I understand him being a humble guy, but that’s just plain foolish, especially when he’s shown zero leadership qualities up to now.
Roy Nelson v. Justin Wren
Brendan Schaub v. Jon Madsen
James McSweeney v. Matt Mitrione
Marcus Jones v. Darrill Schoonover
NC: Rashad wisely decides open up his training to the Team Rampage guys. He’s not just being magnanimous, his team situation has become far more complicated with all of his boys having to fight one another. I’m stunned that Team Silver remain doggedly loyal.
PB: Kimbo actually says "I can’t disrespect my coach like that".
Really? What the fuck has he done to earn that kind of loyalty? This is the same guy who walked away after every single loss to piss and moan about the situation while Evans was in there checking on them.
NC: The sad thing is I think the main reason they didn’t jump at the opportunity is because they’re professionals and they didn’t want to make Rampage look bad on national television. You know, kind of like how he’s been doing to them the whole season.
To cap off this absurd edition of TUF 10, next week’s preview revolves around Mitrione possibly having a head injury and…what’s this…a Kimbo Kard?!? They actually show Schaub saying that his money is on Kimbo coming back, though it’s with all the conviction of Rampage talking about how much he cares for his team.
PB: It’s going to take a few days for this to come in, once it does I’ll be ready for next week.
NC: It might be a chintzy thing to do, but Bellator is about to pull their second Kimbo Kard and they’re laughing all the way to the bank.
For more, check out Alex's blog at herecomesanewchallenger.com and follow him on Twitter @AlexanderKLee. Punisher Bass doesn't have a Twitter or Facebook account, because he's a rebel like that. Comments, suggestions, and criticisms are always welcome!