Reliving The Season That Cardio Forgot
NewChallenger: This week opens up with a lovely reminder that Team Rampage is off to a 4-0 start. Let’s not forget that just three seasons earlier, Rampage had coached opposite Forrest Griffin and started the same way. The streak was broken by Tim Credeur in week 5. Would he have any such luck this time around?
PunisherBass: While rolling with Darrill Schoonover, Matt Mitrione has apparently injured or reinjured his shoulder. He’s requesting a cortisone shot to which Evans is heavily objecting to. He says they’re only two weeks into this with four more to go, and if he gets one now without even having fought yet, he could do even more damage to himself.
While they’re riding to the gym, Team Silver member Marcus Jones says he’s anxious to fight and gives his best version of a maniacal laugh. Sorry Big Baby, I give you an A for effort, but there’s a reason why JDS checks under his bed for Ben Rothwell every night.
When Rashad tells him he’s getting his wish, Marcus’ face lights up like a Christmas tree.
NC: Unfortunately, Marcus doesn’t realize that Rashad is kind of messing with him. Any attempts to clarify the situation for him are ignored and he’s convinced that Rashad gave him his word.
PB: During Team Silver’s training session, Quinton is lamenting the fact that his guys are down four-zip to Rashad. He then says they’re the reason for his sour mood and even blames their losses for affecting his own performance in the bedroom. I wonder if he used this as one of the reasons he went on TRT?
NC: It would suit him since along with BJ Penn and Tito Ortiz, Rampage is one of the masters of excuses.
PB: Not having a human trouser stain as your #1 assistant might help as well.
Jackson says he’s going to teach them how to "wall walk", or basically how to get to the cage and back up to your feet after being taken down. This would have come in real handy during week 3, and I know this is new footage since the cage mat is now blue instead of gray. This is like slamming the barn door after the horse has already escaped.
They try teaching this to Zak Jensen with Kimbo holding him down, Quinton then bags on him by saying he was the last one picked because he had the least amount of skills… NC, what was Jensen’s MMA record up to this point?
NC: Zak was a sterling 7-3 with his notable fights being first round submission losses to TUF alums Brad Imes and Mike Whitehead.
PB: Thank you. So yeah, to he’s not the best guy in the cast, but to say he’s the least skilled when Kimbo is in the same building is just an insult. It’s also no way for a coach to be talking about one of his own fighters, especially not if he’s trying to motivate them.
And to his credit, Jensen admits that he’s not comfortable off his back, and that it’s a flaw he needs to correct.
NC: It’s a good thing he has such a calm, steady motivator like Rampage to guide him.
You do NOT slap a man.
PB: Back at the house, the Mark Twain quote thief with frosted hair apparently had an issue during his morning shower. As if Zak hasn’t already been shit on enough in this episode, his own teammate is now pissed at him. Wes Sims is claiming that Zak left a puddle of splooge on the shower floor, which he stepped in and nearly hurt himself.
Just for fun, let’s list the euphemisms used here. "A whole family of Jensens" "Jerked Mr. Happy" "Big ole pile of fermented mayonnaise". Everyone sits around cracking various jokes about him while he’s in his bed writing.
I always feel bad for guys like Zak who are clearly brought in to fulfill this weird "everyman/sad sack" role made famous by the likes of TUF 5’s Wayne Weems and, of course, TUF 1’s Jason "Strange Brew" Thacker.
PB: While Team Gold is getting ready to hit the mats, Meathead clutches his left arm to his chest and has Brendan wrap him in plastic wrap like he’s Thanksgiving leftovers. I have no idea if this is a legit thing to do or not, so I’m going to put it next to Kimbo Nun Slice as "Bizarre Shit On TUF 10".
Keep in mind, this was long before the UFC had an insurance program.
Here’s a question, do we know if Meathead is left or right handed? Maybe he’s the one who "seeded the shower" and that’s really how he hurt his arm?
After, we see him do some solo one armed shadow boxing, which I’m convinced the producers put him up to.
This is just damn silly.
And now he’s running on a treadmill and telling Evans that he wants to fight next. Rashad asks him "Why? Why over everyone else who’s here?"
NC: Matt tells Rashad that he’s a guaranteed win. According to Meathead, he’s too hurt to practice but not too hurt to compete. Uh…
PB: Meathead is basically an enigma wrapped in a lot of contradictions with a healthy dash of utter confusion on top, which makes my brain hurt.
During Team Silver’s time in the gym, Wes Shivers (still benched I might add) recites Sims’ Shower Shenanigans Story to Quinton. Damn, exactly which one of the MMA Gods did Jensen piss off to have this much shit rain down on him? While in a triangle choke with Sims, he goes to sleep and must get woken up by Tiki rubbing his chest.
I’d like to know how Arianny Celeste didn’t involuntarily scream in abject horror whenever the same thing happened to her.
He’s out of it enough to where the medics are called in and fit with him an oxygen mask. I’d make a joke asking where these things were for the past four episodes, but I don’t have to heart to.
NC: I think you just did.
Rampage has no sympathy for Zak (shocker) and says that if it was him who had passed out in practice like that, he would have moved to another planet.
Am I fitting in yet, guys?
Back at the house, Matt is driving the rest of the team crazy with all of the stuff he’s doing with his shoulder besides training. Shooting hoops, throwing the pigskin, probably jackin’ it in the shower like Zak as you mentioned…I’ll be honest, this was the depiction of Mitrione that stuck in my head for a while. I rooted against him in his first few UFC appearances until I realized that 1) he’s a fun fighter to watch and 2) he might be an asshole, but no more than most of the folks you see on reality TV shows.
PB: Schaub and Nelson sit and imitate what he just said doesn’t hurt it, but surprisingly they refrain from doing the classic jerk off motion.
NC: Or at least it didn’t make it to air. I think it’s cool to imagine that these two were sticking together from day one with the knowledge that they were a step ahead of everyone else. It’s one of the reasons I tell people to watch these older editions of TUF, to see well known and successful fighters having to jump through these hoops to make it to the big show. Can you believe that the likes of Forrest Griffin, T.J. Dillashaw, and Rashad himself had to go through this crap?
PB: In training, Matt is getting the "Kimbo treatment", aka Nelson is on top of him and has the job of trying to get out. This is the same guy who six years later went for his first official takedown in the UFC and was instantly choked out moments later. So you can imagine how well this goes.
NC: If there’s one good moment for Matt in this episode, it’s his dialogue about wanting to switch out his arms:
"…kinda like the old He-Man figurines where you could just pull off an arm and put, like, Ram Man’s arm on there, I might do that. Or Cringer. Cringer had really strong arms, I could probably use his. Actually, he was Battle Cat when he was strong, maybe I’ll use Battle Cat’s."
PB: And we still have his whole "I went to go visit my wife… IN MY HEAD!" thing to deal with in the future.
On the ride back to the house, Marcus says "I’m too tired to masturbate right now" to which Abe Wagner says "You know who’s not?" Even as childish as this all is, I’ll still take it over more Tiki.
NC: Big Baby is still going on about being picked to fight even though he was given zero confirmation that that was actually the case.
PB: At the fight announcement, Rashad pulls a Russo and picks Justin Wren to fight Wes Sims and Jones looks crushed.
NC: Maybe he was just confused by Justin and Wes’ post-pick antics.
We honestly have no idea what this means.
Big Baby proceeds to have a bitch fit about not getting to fight. Re-watching it now, these Marcus Jones segments are as tired as I remember them. I’m all for the "big, sensitive guy" trope, but this is just boring.
In Justin’s info segment, we learn that he fights out of Travis Lutter’s camp. You all might remember Lutter as the middleweight winner of TUF 4, for missing weight in a subsequent title fight with Anderson Silva, and for being the Michael Jordan of Brazilian jiu-jitsu.
I’m starting to remember why I liked Wren. His soft spoken demeanour won me over. He really comes off as a thoughtful individual. Even when he’s announcing that he’s going to put on a show for all of the people watching on Spike TV, it comes off as more dutiful than boastful.
PB: Slice says Wren is a "Greco-Roman whateverthefuck that is wrestler". If you’re a fighter signed to the UFC, shouldn’t you at least know what the difference is between freestyle and Greco-Roman wrestling? I do and I’ve never even done either.
First Kimbo Kard of the episode with him asking how he’s going to get another fight. It sounds like he’s planning to pull a Showgirls if that’s what it will take for him to be a replacement. I think we might have our third suspect for what happened in the shower…
Note: I really REALLY REALLY wanted to post a GIF of Elizabeth Berkley shoving Gina Gershon down the stairs here, especially one with Slice and Nelson's faces pasted over theirs, but there's no nudity allowed on BE. So just use google and then some imagination.
My thoughts on Sims are 1: He’s a tall mofo, tallest in the house in fact at 6’9. 2: He’s a real character.
NC: He has a tendency to talk like someone who has taken too many blows to the head. I actually feel kind of bad for him. He’s just trying so hard to use this show as a platform to promote himself.
Moments like this are why they don’t do more heavyweight seasons.
PB: I only feel bad that he later had to job to Bobby Lashley in Strikeforce. At the weigh-ins, Wren takes his shorts off to reveal he’s wearing a pink leopard print speedo.
NC: A glorious pink leopard print speedo.
PB: Indeed, Dennis Hallman would be proud. He comes in at 247lbs so well played. Not one to be outdone, Sims drops his drawers to show that he’s wearing what has to be the world’s biggest thong, he weighs 251lbs.
NC: I would call that a "banana hammock".
We stand corrected: THIS is why they don’t do more heavyweight seasons.
PB: Instead of laughing along with everyone else, Quinton decides to make some homophobic jokes.
NC: We might need a new drinking game.
Team Rampage’s Wes Sims (23-12-1 [2 NC]) v. Team Rashad’s Justin Wren (7-1)*
(* Records according to Sherdog, not the records listed on the show)
PB: The fight begins with Wren tying Sims up against the fence and Wes attempting a few foot stomps.
NC: Say what you want about these fights so far. That is some sweet ass foot stomping.
PB: After a separation and another tie up, Justin wrestles him to the ground.
NC: That was caused by Wes inexplicably abandoning his jab for a completely useless kick.
PB: He quickly switches from side control to north south then back to side control before applying an arm triangle choke on Sims.
Only 90 seconds in and Herb Dean calls it off, though I think Wes was clearly out for a good 5-10 seconds before he stepped in. You even see him allllllmost call it before backing off again a few times. This was more one sided than Nelson/Slice was, you couldn’t even nuke a bag of popcorn before this fight was over.
During the replay, we see that while Herb was checking to see if Wes was responsive, Quinton was yelling at him "Get out! You know how to get out of this!" Too little too late.
NC: Don’t forget these other gems from Rampage’s corner: "You know what he’s doing" and "He doesn’t got it".
No he doesn’t. And yes he does.
PB: In the cage, a very confused and disoriented Sims is trying to get to his feet but being told to stay down by Herb and the doctor while Trevor Wittman pours cold water on him. Do you want to take a guess where Jackson is during all this and what he’s doing?
NC: At his fighter’s side, clasping his hand tenderly with tears in his eyes?
PB: He’s sitting on the edge of the cage with his back to Wes, bitching and moaning to Tiki about another loss and asking why this keeps happening.
PB: Shivers tries to defend Quinton’s actions, more like inaction, by saying he’s a fighter and not a coach. So is Rashad, but he’s still putting in far more effort than Jackson is.
Wren and his team are happy and excited after moving to 5-0, and they don’t plan to let their stranglehold on the tournament go anytime soon. A post fight celebratory belly bump between Justin and Roy gets the thumbs up from me.
In the back room, Quinton continues to sulk and says "We can’t make ‘em fight". And then Tiki says what is in my mind the most infamously stupid and downright moronic thing said in this entire season. And trust me, I don’t make that statement lightly.
He says "We can’t fight for ‘em." Now just let that sink in for a minute.
Don’t take two, but take three shots this time, because this is a special occasion. Tiki saying shit this like this perfectly highlights why a lot of people wish a house would fall on his head.
Before everyone leaves, there’s a conversation/argument between Quinton and Rashad. Evans tells him he could do better and Jackson just tells him that he isn’t a coach and only knows how to handle himself, not other fighters.
And then Rashad delivers this epic putdown to Tiki, he even gift wrapped it and put a nice big bow on it! "Tiki, just because Rampage doesn’t go in the cage doesn’t mean you don’t have to go in the cage either". BOOM! HEAD SHOT! And all Tiki can do is stand there schtum.
NC: Tiki just took it like the obedient lap dog that he is.
PB: Quinton suggest that the whole reason he hasn’t been checking on his fighters post fight isn’t about a lack of respect, but rather doing so would make him so angry he’d do something that would require the cops. Not really the best thing to say after that monster truck incident.
In the preview for next week, there’s heat between Jackson and Schoonover, Jensen continues to wish this show was over already, and they play the Kimbo Kard again when someone gets injured.
NC: "Oh God, thank you. I get to bang again." The most blatantly misleading Kimbo Kard yet!