My latest edition of the rundown! Why am I taking MMA fighters to task for saying idiotic things? Because my life lacks meaning. Check it!
It’s time for another edition of the rundown, kiddos. Buckle up for an oversized dose of what Chuck Klosterman calls "the lowest form of criticism", which is "pointing out something (obviously) stupid and reiterating how stupid it (obviously) is". I must do this. I must do this because sometimes I read quotes so brazenly dumb and poorly thought out that the armchair psychologist lurking inside of me screams "Get on your intertube webzine and pick ‘em apart like buzzards on a shit wagon!" (My inner armchair psychologist sounds alot like Yosemite Sam.) Maybe I’ll chitchat about some fights, too. Who knows.
"All these people who talk about fighting, it’s like a million virgins watching a porno. They’ve never had sex, but they all want to put their input in. It’s ridiculous. They all have their input, but until you’ve been in a fight you have no clue what it’s like. That’s the bottom line. It’s like sex. Until you’ve done it, you have no clue what’s going on."
Why should I be bothered by a quote from the immortal Cody McKenzie? There’s no reason. It’s embarrassing to admit that a man who once fought a fight in the UFC wearing 8 dollar basketball shorts (with the tag still on) can bother you with something he says. But he did. Bit by bit.
It isn’t "ridiculous" that I have "input" into the sport that I love, just because I’ve never competed. I’m a fan. I’m allowed to have an opinion, and you’re allowed to disagree. In other words, we’re both allowed to be adults. It’s also not revolutionary to respond to any hypothetical criticism I have for a fighter by saying "Well, Cody McKenzie would kick YOUR ass." Geez, you think so, Doctor? He fought in the UFC. I once suffered a TKO loss to a locker door in the 7th grade. You aren’t exactly breaking new ground with that poorly thought out retort. This doesn’t relate directly to McKenzie’s quote, but it’s a humdinger that I’ve heard more than once.
"Until you’ve been in a fight you have no clue what it’s like", is both 100% true and completely unrelated to the criticism he’s trying to make. "Until you’ve done it, you have no clue what’s going on" is pretty dubious logic. Some of the worst commentary and judging I’ve ever seen was done by former (and current) fighters. Competing in MMA doesn’t guarantee wisdom and knowledge of effective broadcasting; in fact, you could argue that it impedes thoughtful analysis. Instead of calling action and objectively breaking down the fight, you might be subconsciously rooting for a guy you train with or thinking about what you would do if you were in there. There’s a reason guys like Brian Stann stand out as excellent color commentators; it’s because so few former fighters have truly been good at it. Also, I’m not proclaiming myself to be an MMA genius, but I’ve watched and thought about the sport long enough to call myself educated. Why am I doing this? Let’s just move on and look forward to Cody McKenzie rematching Marcus LeVesseur in 14 months.
"…With the DUI that he’s had and now testing positive for cocaine, he’s not acting as a good role model for kids and nobody the UFC would want as a role model for kids growing up that watch the UFC. It’s a shame, it’s unfortunate that he is that way but we’ll see what he does with it."
I bring up this quote only to illustrate how funny it is that Dan Henderson has officially become one of the old Muppets on the balcony.
(on Brock Lesnar’s possible UFC return) "He hasn’t been competing and training like I have. If he comes back to the UFC, I would 100 percent send him packing back to the fake wrestling."
I love this quote for two reasons. The first is that it really illustrates how far hardcore fans have come in terms of unbiased analysis. Before the Lesnar Experiment, if a decent MMA fighter had uttered this, the choruses of reactionary vitriol and nerdy hyperbole would have been deafening.
"Tell ‘em, Brendan! Tell ‘em how arrogant he is for assuming he could destroy in MMA just because he’s a big dumb brute! He can’t punch! He isn’t cross-trained! THIS THREATENS THE FABRIC OF EVERYTHING THAT IS RIGHT AND TRUE!!!" *head explodes*
Now? Everyone collectively thought, Dude, a 37 year old Brock Lesnar that hasn’t won a fight in five years would still walk in and absolutely paste you, Brendan. You might get off a punch, but all that’ll do is make Old Man Lesnar mad.
Second, the impact of Joe Rogan’s complete and utter dismantling of Schaub’s continued failures makes this bombastic quote (and whatever quotes might come in the future) seem like sad and desperate overcompensation. Millions of people heard Rogan verbally crush Schaub’s dreams, and millions of people read about Schaub going home and crying. While I understand Schaub’s desire to stay relevant, it honestly seems like he’s trying to spite Rogan’s personal views. Does this mean more foolishness is to come? I sure hope so. I want to hear Brendan Schaub talk about how he’s an all time great heavyweight that would have owned Fedor in 2004. I want to hear him brag about inventing modern MMA with Rorion Gracie and Bruce Lee. I want it all.
"Conor McGregor is fighting Conor McGregor this weekend, in Conor McGregor, Massachusetts." – Jordan Breen
Thanks, Jordan. I predict that Conor McGregor will Conor McGregor his opponent, Conor McGregor, into submission. He’ll then call out Conor McGregor before talking about Conor McGregor at the post fight press conference, where Conor McGregor will be. Conor McGregor. Andy Dufresne. Conor … McGregor.
Watch out for the bouncy German/Russian, Conor. He’s not bad.