The Week in Quotes: April 25th - May 1st

IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY, YOU CAN SEE THE EXACT MOMENT THEY JUMP THE SHARK

"What actually happened has now been dramatically distorted and misinterpreted and remarks that both Tito and I made after the police arrived reflect the state of shock that we were both in." - Tito Ortiz's main squeeze Jenna Jameson, describing the wild he-said-she-said week Tarantino-style (ending first). (TMZ)

"He did not put his hands on her, he did not hit her, he did not do anything to her." - Ortiz's lawyer Chip Matthews. Ortiz was taken to jail Monday afternoon following a domestic dispute call to 9-1-1 from Jameson's father at the Jameson-Ortiz household which resulted in police seeing "visible injuries" to Jameson. (TMZ)

"Other than going on a killing spree, being accused of domestic violence is the worst thing you can have going for you." - UFC President Dana White, getting a nice taste of his own foot. (TMZ)

"Talk about trying to save somebody's ass for being a wife beater." - Jameson (TMZ)

"Unfortunately, Jenna relapsed this morning and suffered the consequences of that." - Matthews. Ortiz allegedly found two Oxycontin pills in Jameson's pocket. In a moment of sheer brilliance and pristine clarity, the Ortiz camp publicly accused Jameson of falling off the wagon. (MMA Junkie)

"My parents have gone through an addiction, and I've seen a mirror again, and I'm not going to let my family go through that." - Ortiz, highlighting the growing correlation between failed marriages and seeing mirrors (again).

"I am definitely not addicted to OxyContin or any drug." - Jameson, who claimed the pills were leftover in an old pair of pants - which makes perfect sense. (To be fair, she passed a drug test.) (TMZ)

"He didn't beat me." - Jameson, found strolling around town with her kids later in the day sans facial contusions, but sporting a dashing elbow brace for her...torn rotator cuff?

"We had an argument, and it escalated, and things got out of control. The cops were called, and because there were visible marks on me, they took him to jail." - Jameson. And scene.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR JAMESON-ORTIZ, KOSCHECK AND DALEY WOULD BE WALKING AWAY WITH $100K QUOTE OF THE WEEK BONUSES

"Again, I could tell he would rather have a root canal done than be around me. I just laughed to myself." - Paul Daley, describing UFC 113 opponent Josh Koscheck's reaction after Daley knocked out Martin Kampmann at UFC 103. (UFC.com)

"Those guys are from the old days – like the one-dimensional wrestler or the one-dimensional striker. Those days are over, and you’ve got to become a complete mixed martial artist." - Koscheck, recovering one-dimensional wrestler. (UFC.com)

"I can submit guys, I can knock guys out, I can head kick guys, and I’m not gonna have a problem standing toe-to-toe with Paul Daley. He’s not gonna hit me with anything I haven’t been hit with." - Koscheck. Kos might want to check in with Kampmann and Dustin Hazelett.

"He’s not that great a wrestler." - Daley, black belt wrestler. (UFC.com)

"He can’t kick-box for crap, not if his life depended on it. If he tries to stand with me for even a second, I fear for his well-being." - Daley

"Knock me out? Too funny. People with glass chins shouldn’t throw stones." - Daley

"I don’t have a BJJ black belt, but I am sure I hit a little harder than Paulo Thiago, who almost decapitated Kos like a geek in a horror film." - Daley

"It’s a trivia question: 'For 10 points: Name that clown with the stupid hair who is the only guy to ever get KTFO by Paulo Thiago?'" - Daley, A-level trash talk.

"The funny thing is, Paul Daley keeps saying ‘stand toe-to-toe with me.’ Well, how ‘bout we go out there and get in a wrestling stance? There’s a good chance of that." - Koscheck (UFC.com)

"And every time Paul Daley goes to bed at night, he’s gotta think "Oh [expletive}, Josh Koscheck’s probably gonna take me down and throw me on my head." - Koscheck. Nice to see a wrestler use his wrestling as a threat.

"Forget it, Fraggle." - Daley.

FIGHT PROMOTER DISPARAGES OTHER FIGHT PROMOTER

"I don’t like it. I don’t watch it, I don’t know anybody that does watch it. They do a show every six months, I don’t know if they are doing a contest or some kind of tournament thing or what." - MFC Promoter Mark Pavelich, sharing his thoughts on Bellator. "Bellator Season Three: A Contest or Some Kind of Tournament Thing" has a great ring to it. (TapouT Radio)

"They are going to be the pet rock, the rubix cube [of MMA.] They are just not any kind of...I can’t name even five people on the fighter roster." - Pavelich

WELCOME TO SELF-RIGHTEOUS NEWS REPORT. SHANE CARWIN IS OFF TONIGHT, I'M DAN MIRAGLIOTTA.

"I said, 'Anderson, you are an extraordinary athlete, an extraordinary martial artist. You can’t keep giving performances like this because you’re just so good. Let the people see how good you are.'" - MMA referee Dan Miragliotta, describing the post-fight dialogue between him and Anderson Silva only fitting for a bad sports drama. (Fight! Magazine)

FUN WITH ATHLETIC COMMISSIONS

"Urine testing is better for testing everything except HGH. Blood testing, until recently, hasn’t been perfected." - NSAC Chief Executive Keith Kizer. Doesn't matter how you test if the athletes know when and where they will be tested. (Las Vegas Sun)

"When I brought that up to Keith Kizer, he said 'well thats why there's 3 judges,' which I thought was one of the most retarded answers I've ever heard in my life." - UFC commentator Joe Rogan, advocating television monitors for the use by judges cageside. (Sports Illustrated)

"That's why there's 3 judges, so one guy can [expletive] it up and the other 2 can get it right?  That doesn't even make any sense." - Rogan. Welcome to bureaucracy, Joe.

THE WEEK IN CHAEL

"People don’t care about him. He came out and said he’s going to go heavyweight, no one cared. So he comes out and says well ‘I’m going to go light heavyweight,’ no one cared. ‘Well I’m going to retire.’ Good! Beat it, this is back page news, no one cares about you anyway. ‘Well I’m not going to retire I’m going to stick around.’ Or do that. Again, it doesn’t really matter, you’re a nuisance. So who cares?" - Chael Sonnen, who just signed on to fight Anderson Silva at UFC 117. (The Underground)

"They go make the little action figures and the two little kids that bought them, are probably pretty upset, their parents probably thought it was Quinton Jackson when they bought it for them and the kids had a disappointing Christmas I would imagine." - Sonnen

"I have beaten every champion of every company there's ever been. I have beat the Elite XC champion, I beat Strikeforce's champion. I beat the IFL champion. I beat the WEC champion, twice. I even beat the Bodog champion." - Sonnen, what an impressive list of B- and C-level titles.

WHITE NOISE

"I want to say, 'Thank you,' to both of them, and I give them a lot of respect." - UFC President Dana White, showering Leonard Garcia and Chan Sung Jung with praise for their lead-in fight for the Aldo vs. Faber pay-per-view. How about giving them a lot of money? (Blah blah $65k blah blah.) (MMA Junkie)

"The problem with ‘TUF’ is that you have to pull the trigger, and you have to make decisions on that immediately." - White, on being unable to wait for Jake Shields to coach opposite of Georges St-Pierre. I think the problem with TUF is that it's a reality show that interferes with the natural schedule of the sport. Oh, and giving people like Chris Leben, Junie Browning, and others a medium to express themselves. (MMA Junkie)

"But if he was in [expletive] Japan or some other place, you guys would have him ranked No. 2. It drives me crazy." - White, on Benson Henderson's ranking in the lightweight division.

PARTING SHOTS

"You can expect some new exciting techniques from me, that's for sure." - Mirko Cro Cop. Finally learned how to avoid the nut shot? (Nokaut.com)

"If it works out, I'd like to fight Brock [Lesnar] again. But I'm not as consumed about it as some people seem to think about." - Former UFC champ Frank Mir. I wonder how people got that impression? (Bloody Elbow)

"Whatever he wants to do, we can do. If he stands up with me, he's getting knocked out and if he takes me to the ground, he's still getting knocked out." - James Toney, goading Randy Couture. (Fight Hype)

"Roller wants to come out and say that it was easy. I don't think so. Let me be in the right state of mind and will see if its easy fag. Be a man and stand. We're here to fight not make love." - Anthony Njokuani, making a case for fighters to stay away from Twitter for 24-48 hours following a fight. (Twitter)