FanPost

An incomplete collection of my Dana White rants.


It was mentioned to me Yesterday, that I should try to save all of my Dana White rants and then put them in a fan post. So that is what I've begun doing. I thought I would give you guys a few of the more recent ones I have produced. These are only the ones that I could best remember and track down(They were spur of the moment, and not previously saved in a document). It's not an exhaustive list. Also, I took a little time to make some(I'm sure I didn't get all of them) corrections and pepper in more fucks... I'm not sure if this will work at all, so forgive me if the humor doesn't carry over.

[The rant that lead to the suggestion of me fanposting them.]

"This is why I quit reading the fucking internet. It’s a place where fucking cowards live. Alright? MMA is the safest fucking sport on the planet, anybody want to disagree? But this is the fucking hurt business. If you fucking goofs had your way, you’d want to see all of the fucking fighters covered in bubble wrap, with pillows taped to their fucking hands like Michael Bisping. Do you fucking keyboard warriors realize that the UFC is regulated by the Government? We have to answer to the NSAC, FDA, DTF, NSA, FCC, CIA, DEA and fucking NASA. That’s enough letters to spell the name of somebody Nate Diaz is afraid to fight. WHAT THE FUCK else do you fucking clownshoes want us to do? The only way we could make the fucking UFC safer would be if we replaced the fights with a video of GSP eating a bowl of fucking vanilla ice cream."

[Dana is upset about what happened to Julianna Pena's knee]

"Are you fucking crazy? I’ve been in the fight business for 97 years, and I have never seen anything as fucked up as Julianna’s knee. It literally makes Anderson Silva’s broken leg look like a fucking blowjob from a supermodel. That’s how fucking bad it is. We actually sent Hector Lombard in to investigate, because we assumed Paul Harris had gone feral and was attacking random fighters. But when I heard about what really happened, I was pissed. That gym should literally be burned to ashes and the ground beneath it salted so that nothing will ever grow in its fucking place. Now I’ve got to go find a fucking time machine so I can go back to the crusades to stop Vitor from saving Jesus and altering the time stream. I’ll talk to you fucking pussies later."

[Uncle Dana explains the Julianna Pena debacle]

"I know all of you internet cowards have been talking shit about what happened to Julianna, so I'm here to set the fucking record straight. First of all, it wasn't that fucking Paul Harris guy we fired a while ago. Trust me, we have him tagged and under observation by the Brazilian government. It also definitely fucking wasn't Ronda Rousey wearing a baseball cap and a sharpie mustache, training with Julianna under the name "Ronald Roundtree." We don't really fucking know who the perpetrator was, but GSP has offered his services to investigate if aliens were involved.
What I do know is that I'm fucking pissed off. When I taught boxing to Cain and Abel, I knew I was gonna see some fucked up shit, but this is at the top of the list. I haven't seen an injury this bad since Overeem attacked the Kentucky Derby and 32 horses died. This is the kind of sick shit that Tim Kennedy dreams about doing to home invaders. But don't fucking worry pussies, the guy who did this won't go unpunished. As we speak, Ray Longo and Chris Weidman are hunting him down, and they've promised me that they will have Matt Serra give that scumbag a dutch oven before they bring him to justice.
As for Bob Odenkirk and Sam Shillcilia... Those two fucking goofs couldn't even buy a fucking small business together and successfully turn it into a franchise with locations in three counties. They weren't even there when she got hurt, so for all they know, the fucking ninja turtles broke in and took turns karate kicking Julianna until her knee decided it wanted to be in four different rooms. If they don't watch out, Bjork Lesbian and Bellaturd will have two more lightweights to lose to fucking Eddie Alvarez. That's all I have to say about the situation at the moment. If you want to see more, I'll be explaining the entire fucking thing in an exclusive interview with Justin Bieber that will only be broadcast on Fight Pass. Now I have to get back to fucking Brazil to stop Wandy from ruining everybody's memories of The Dark Night by doing a terrible impersonation of Heath Ledger's joker over the fucking guitar solos from the song Stars by Hear 'n Aid.

[Chael and Wand's little scuffle]

"Listen up, you fucking internet nerds. I didn’t want to say this, because I didn’t want to spoil this season of TUF: Brazil, but shit is getting fucking crazy. Shit got so bad, we had to call in the fucking Brazilian SWAT teams. It was like The Raid: Redemption, if it starred Paulo Thiago, instead of a bunch of a guys nobody’s ever fucking heard of. Wanderlei’s head coach is literally a voodoo priest, and he turned Chael into a fucking tapir. Now I have to travel deep into the amazon to find a fucking jaguar heart to reverse the hex. Then I have to fly to China to help Cung Le defend the TUF: China house from a horde of invading Mongolians. This is the craziest fucking thing in the fucking history of fucking things. "

[If Aldo wants to fight Pettis]

"Are you fucking shitting me? Of course Aldo will drop his fucking belt to fight Pettis. Even fucking Roy Nelson would put this fight together, and he’s a fat version of the missing link. You don’t have to be some kind of fucking internet nerd to see that Pettis vs Aldo will be the biggest fucking fight since Chael Sonnen fought Dennis Rodman to protect America from North Korea. It will literally make the Thrilla in Manila look like your grandmother struggling to put on a fucking sweater. Trust me, if there was one thing in this world Jose Aldo wants, it’s a fucking motorcycle and something to crash it into. But if there was a second thing, it would be fucking fighting Anthony Pettis. If he doesn’t I’ll just challenge him to a fucking boxing match. He’ll be begging for Pettis After that. Now go fucking buy Fight Pass so you can watch Tank Abbott vs an elephant seal from UFC 7."


[Whether he is telling the truth about Aldo vs Swanson]

"Are you calling me a fucking liar? Listen, pussy. I’ve been in the fight business longer than the earth has been a habitable fucking planet... Do you know why the fucking dinosaurs went extinct? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not because of a fucking comet. The UFC puts on the fights the fans want to fucking see, like Big Country vs Big Nog. There hasn’t been a match up that fucking compelling since Matt Hamill showed up at Jon Jones’ house with a telephone pole and a bottle of vodka. Some of the fights we have planned are so fucking awesome they'd make your dick explode so hard you'd need to wear body armor to protect yourself from testicle shrapnel. So let me fucking tell you, just cause some fucking keyboard warrior thinks they know more about MMA than the president of the U-F-fucking-C, doesn’t make me a fucking liar. Or do you want to get in the fucking ring and settle things like real men? Ask Tito "Humpty fucking Dumpty" Ortiz how well that worked out for him."


[In response to Cesar Gracie threatening to move all of his fighters from UFC to Bellator]


"I don't know who the fuck Ceaser Salad thinks he is but I’m not some fucking pussy who’s afraid of this shit. ‘Oh, you’re gonna take Jake Shields and Nick Diaz to Bellator. I’m fucking terrified.’ Good luck. Do you think I fucking care about losing Dilbert Melonhead? All he has done in the UFC is make Diego Sanchez look like an MMA fighter instead of a punch drunk Tazmanian devil. You can take all of your fucking pot head point fighters to fucking Bellaturd. For all I fucking care, they can go to fucking Mongolia with Ben Askren and fight guys who are sponsored by fucking yak dealerships. That is, unless Cesar feels like settling it in the ring like a fucking man."


[On the uniform "deal"]

"There is no fucking uniform deal. Okay. Are you fucking whiny keyboard warriors happy? We have literally never signed a joint deal with Dennis Hallman and FUBU to make UFC themed banana hammocks. For fuck sake, I haven’t seen this many people bitch about fucking MMA clothing since Tom Lawlor won that season of Project Runway. I mean honestly, don’t you fucking internet nerds have anything else to do besides picking apart every one of my fucking comments? Sometimes I say shit that doesn’t make any sense, but it’s only because I travel around the earth so frequently that I’m seeing all points in time at once. So fucking forgive me if I slip up and accidentally mention something like Rumble KOing Jon Jones in late 2014. Now go back to fucking complaining about Justin Bieber playing Doomsday in the next Superman reboot. I have better things to do than fucking divulge every UFC secret to the MMA sewing circle... Jon Jones is pulling out of 172 because of a bad family photo, so now me and fucking Lorenzo have to travel to Brazil to sign the guy who bullied Glover as a kid."


[In the aftermath of Junior Maranhao passing out at RFA 14]

"Don't bring me into this, you fucking goof. There is a reason the UFC doesn’t hold fucking fights in Wyoming, and it’s not because of my fear of the Yellowstone Super Volcano or my fear of the movie Brokeback Mountain. MMA is the safest sport in the whole fucking world. Do you wanna know what sport is more dangerous than MMA? Dressage. Do you know how many people are killed every year doing that fucking silly horse dancing? Neither do I, but it’s probably a fucking lot."

Joe Rogan: "Dude, dressage is fucking crazy!"

Dana: "Joe, get the fuck out of here. I’m talking about how fucking safe MMA is."

Joe: "I’m serious. Horses are fucking HUGE and shit. They used to run around the plains... fighting each other and fucking girl horses. Have you ever watched horses fighting? They’re biting each other and throwing headbutts. It's fucking crazy, son!"


Eddie: "Horses just need to go back to using the guard. Maia used to pull guard and at least he had that third opti-"

Joe: "Eddie, you’ve been smoking way too much fucking weed, bro… But like I was saying, horses are fucking crazy. And like thousands of years ago, some crazy ass caveman motherfucker saw a horse and was like, "I’m gonna catch that bitch and make it carry me around," and he did. Do you know how insane that is? And now we ride them around and make them do some silly dancing and shit. It’s fucking crazy."

Dana: "That’s what I was saying Joe. Horses are way more fucking dangerous than MMA."

Overeem: "I disagree."

[On Ronda fighting Cyborg and being the new Liddell]

"Are you fucking keyboard warriors gonna keep bringing this shit up? How many times do I have to say it? Ronda will fight any-fucking-one at any-fucking-time. The other day she called me up and she says," Hey Baldylocks, I want to fight Thor from that Avengers movie. He kept cutting his eyes at me through the whole thing." I’m like, "Ronda, you can’t fight Thor. He’s a fucking fictional character, played by the actor Chris Hemsworth. He doesn’t fucking exist in real life, and it’s physically fucking impossible that he was cutting his fucking eyes at you. You’ve been in fucking movies. How do not know this." Eventually I managed to fucking talk her down to Rupert Grint and two of the lesser known members of the Wu Tang Clan, who she’ll be fighting at UFC 183, live from the fucking Moon. Yeah, we’re holding a UFC card on the fucking moon. The UFC Space Agency is already figuring all of this rocket shit out, eggheads. But that’s not the fucking point. Ronda will fucking fight any person alive. The problem is that Cyborg isn’t a person. As far as the UFC scientists can tell, she’s a shape shifting reptilian from another planet, who has come to earth to steal our gold and turn our bones into an elixir of immortality. I know, Rogan’s gonna lose his shit, but shape shifting is still fucking cheating. Maybe if Lizardborg de-cloaks and can drop down to 135 we will give her a shot. Even then, Gina will still probably get the fucking shot, cause she’s legit as fuck.


[From the thread about Dana comparing Cris Cyborg to Wanderlei in a dress]


"You fucking internet tough guys can't let anything go. You’re like a bunch of fucking old ladies, sharing the latest gossip about price of oranges or some fucking shit. You want to know the fucking truth? Cris Cyborg IS Wanderlei Silva. She is wearing a muscle suit and advanced UFC brand fucking prosthetic makeup. There, I fucking said it. The real Wanderlei Silva was abducted several years ago, while trying to protect Brazil from the same fucking aliens who were stealing GSP’s time. The UFC couldn’t let this fucking information go public, but we didn’t have any other option. That was when Cyborg came to me in the middle of the night. She told me that the legend must never die, and that there must always be a fucking Wanderlei Silva. I tried to convince her otherwise, but she told me that she would take up the mantle. So together we hatched a fucking plan. We knew that we would have to hide her new identity from you fucking keyboard warriors, so the crown of #1 P4P women’s fighter would have to be passed onto another. Cyborg made the fucking sacrifices that were necessary, even if it ruined her legacy. We brought that fucking sexy badass Rousey on board too, and we orchestrated a fucking feud between these two killers to throw the MMA sewing circle off the trail. Since then, she has done everything in her power to keep this charade from falling apart. So the legend of Wanderlei lives on… When you hear me insulting Cyborg, it’s because I have to. Because she’s the fighter MMA fucking deserves, but not the one it fucking needs right now. So we’ll accuse her of doing steroids, and make her fight at 135. Because she can take it. Because she’s not our fighter. She’s a silent guardian. A watchful protector. A Cyborg."

[The timing was close, so I thought I should as this one too]

"Do you fucking keyboard warriors even know what was in Nate's contract? And now he doesn’t want to fucking fight? This kid made us agree to fund a Stockton community theater production of Half Baked starring the members of Cesar Gracie jiu-jitsu. If Jake Shields’ striking looks stiff, just imagine how wooden his fucking acting is. Suffice to fucking say, the reviews were not favorable. But that’s only the tip of the fucking iceberg. This kids been making all kinds of demands. We can’t just ban leg kicks or have every Russian lightweight deported. This isn’t the fucking Nate Diaz show. So he can keep asking for title shots at Chris Weidman and fucking Honda civics full of weed, but the UFC is going to go on without him. If I told you half of the things the UFC had in the works, you fucking goofs would literally shit your pants. Seriously, four words: Ronda versus Fucking Mayweather."

I hope you guys enjoyed these. From now on, I'll be sure to save my rants and then post the better ones in future fan post. This is just the beginning #alphacentauridalimit #jonjonesinstagram #shoutouttocoloredpencilsforlettingmedrawandshit.

\The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Bloody Elbow readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Bloody Elbow editors or staff.

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