NOTE: I wrote this in hopes of making a few people laugh, it's meant as satire and not to be taken seriously, if it wasn't obvious.
The Jake Shields Insomnia Cure
Let me paint a picture in your mind.
It's late at night, someone in their mid 30's is laying on their stained couch with the remote control in their hand. They can't be on the internet because their neighbor changed the WiFi password, and they can't turn on Netflix for the very same reason. They have a can of seaweed flavored pringles in their other hand and they stink because they haven't showered in the last 4 days, they also haven't slept in just as long.
They suffer from insomnia, and as such they're are doing what many from the past couple generations have done to try and cure it, late night TV channel surfing. They've seen the fancy non stick pans, they bought one of those vacuum package thingies years ago but never used it, and the "You can get free money!" guy just gives them night terrors when they are able to fall a sleep.
Got all that? Good, lets continue.
They switch to a new station in hopes that maybe it will be a Girls Gone Wild infomercial, but instead they are greeted by this strange man, he's wearing a Tapout shirt and introduces himself as Jake Shields...
"Hello there, my name is Jake Shields and I'm a professional MMA fighter and amateur ocular surgeon. I've fought all around the world for promotions as big as the UFC and ones so small they don't even have their own wikipedia page. If you're watching me right now that means you're probably sitting on your couch and and it's around 3:30 in the morning.
You can't sleep and I'm here to help! I'm here to offer you an inexpensive, non habit forming, all natural, organic, environmentally friendly, fast, safe, and effective method to help you sleep soundly all through the night. I personally guarantee you'll wake up every morning feeling so refreshed, you'll swear you just came out of a 3 month coma!"
A voice off camera with a pronounced lisp utters "But Jake, you must tell me what on earth could this miraculous sleep aid possibly be!?"
Back in the real world the person on the couch realizes they were in the middle of drifting off when a burst of loud music jars them back awake. Their head snaps towards the TV mostly out of anger and confusion rather than genuine interest.
"I'm a veteran of almost 40 professional MMA fights, and now is your chance to own them all on DVD. The way it works is very simple, you insert the DVD into your DVD player, and then select the fight that's right for you.
If you're already so tired you feel like an extra from The Walking Dead and just need a quick hit to put your lights out, select Ellenberger.
If you're regretting having those 8 Raging Bull's earlier in the night and feel something more potent is required, you can't go wrong with Maia.
With the average fight lasting 15 minutes and some of them as long as 25, there is always a fight that's just right for you and your situation."
Another voice off camera says "But Jake, this must cost a small fortune!"
"Not at all. For the low low price of $19.95, you too can own the entire Jake "The Sandman" Shields fight collection. People used to pay $55 for the privilege of seeing some of these fights just once, but now you can see them all over and over again for a fraction of the price.
And if you act now, I'll throw in my patented eye gouge key chain absolutely free. It's perfect for fending off attackers and Canadians alike. Even if you return the box set, keep this free gift, it's my way of saying thank you.
Call 1-888-SHLDZZZ today!
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. But act now, supplies are limited, have your credit card ready, operators are standing by. So make the call and never have another sleepless night ever again!"
Sadly, the person on the couch has already slipped away to la la land. Their chips have fallen to the floor and their iPhone will sit on the coffee table a few feet away, untouched till sometime around noon the next day. They will awake feeling better than they have in ages, but having no idea why they feel that way. They'll wonder if it was something in the chips, or the way they were laying on the couch, they will try to recreate the experiment the following night and fail, doomed to repeat the same cycle over and over.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Stockton, Nick Diaz sits by a cluster of phones that will never ring...