The Haters' Guide to UFC 172

Paul Abell-US PRESSWIRE

Mookie Alexander and Patrick Wyman return with another installment of the Haters' Guide, a pre-event airing of grievances. This week's edition covers THE MOST STACKED CARD EVER, Jon Jones' social media foibles, and Anthony Johnson's weighty burden.

Greetings once again, you awful bunch of basement-dwelling trolls, disgruntled rappers, mark-ass marks, trick-ass marks, miserable scumbags, miscreants, Zuffa zombies, failed "writers", and especially the ignorant churls . Welcome to this week's edition of the Haters' Guide, in which Mookie Alexander and I (Patrick Wyman) shoot the breeze about a variety of topics related to the upcoming card.

After a card (UFC on Fox 11) for which neither Mookie nor myself could muster up much distaste, we're happy to report that UFC 172 is chock-full of tasty tidbits for the discerning hater. Strap yourselves in, my fellow connoisseurs of written abuse, and let's get started.

UFC 172: THE MOST STACKED CARD EVVVVVVVEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR

Mookie: For an unprecedented 57th time in UFC history, Dana White has called a UFC show "the best we've ever done". UFC 172 isn't a bad card by any means, but if you compare this show with ... well ... UFC 171 or UFC on Fox 11, it isn't even the most stacked card within the past 30 days.

You see, Dana and friends can say this asinine stuff over and over again for as long as fans are too stupid to sift through the repetitive bullshit. As much as I criticized the UFC in my op-ed on Wednesday, fans with the intelligence level of "slightly above your average Floridian"* should be more vocal in shooting down lies and figuring out what's really the good stuff. The UFC can get away with this annoyingly inaccurate hype machine for as long as MMA fans are either silent on the matter or are really as dumb as James Woods in Family Guy.

* - After this incredible angry response I got from a Twitter user, I will make it my personal mission to bash Florida in every Haters' Guide.

Patrick: Here's a brief list of cards more "stacked", if we take that to mean "filled with awesome fights that people want to see", than UFC 172: UFC on Fox 11, UFC 171, UFC 169, UFC 168, UFC 167, UFC 166, UFC 165, UFC on FS1 1...I could go on, but I think the point's fairly clear. This is a perfectly acceptable PPV card, with a title fight, a matchup of top-10 LHWs in the co-main, and a few other fun scraps sprinkled around the card. This absurd marketing scheme - I'll paraphrase as "blatantly lie to the fans and pray that nobody notices" - would be insulting if the UFC's target demographic weren't dumb enough to keep buying. Here's an artist's rendering of the people who buy Dana White's bullshit:

(insert picture of a slack-jawed yokel)

Mookie: I wish I had the gumption and the balls of the UFC brass to just repeat the same tagline over and over again. They're like the hot woman who sleeps with you and then says "that's the best sex I've ever had!" each time, even though on 5 different instances you slept about 30 seconds in and spent 15 minutes trying to open up the condom wrapper. Note: I'm not speaking from personal experience, as women are smart enough to just steer clear from me like I'm the rebirth of the Bubonic plague.

Patrick: So you're saying the UFC is basically a hooker? That would explain some of the, ummm, "symptoms" I've been experiencing lately.

Mookie: Yes, in that I feel morally bankrupt with the frequency of which I use the UFC, and there haven't been too many finishes lately.


Jon Jones, Budding Heel and PR God

Patrick: If you buy Jones' story (stories) about his phone being hacked by a social media intern/stolen by Westboro Baptist protesters, I have some very nice Cutco knives, Herbalife products, and Mary Kay cosmetics to sell you; please inquire in the comment section below. Leaving aside the fact that it's way beyond creepy that he felt the need to drop homophobic bombs on a random Swedish hater (for which, props, brother-in-arms), it's exactly the kind of head-scratching judgment we've come to expect from our Bentley-crashing, PPV-card-canceling, Tyson-Griffin-shit-talking, faux-humble light heavyweight champion.

While I obviously don't care for shit-talking gay Swedish teenagers on Instagram - again, I can't overemphasize how fucking weird that is - I am in love with the idea of Bones turning heel. Why? He's already the greatest light heavyweight of all time, he's barely entering his real prime, and he's MMA's best hope of having a transcendent, borderline-mainstream fighter, or at least as mainstream as you can get when your job is hellbowing bros in the face. Whether people tune in to see you win or lose, they're still tuning in, and that's what matters.

Mookie: It was just the other day that Jon Jones was portrayed as "cocky", "arrogant", and "fake" stretching as far back as his win over Ryan Bader. For whatever reason, a large collection of fans don't like him and never will like him, and will hate him even more once he travels back in time and beats the piss out of even MORE of your favorite PRIDE heroes.

Jones' awkward presence and inability to handle PR, which makes him and Malki Kawa like a match made in blunder heaven, seems to have taken a new turn. He's slowly making his way towards a full-on heel, but Instagram spamming some Swedish dude isn't going to cut it for me. The time is now to start grabbing the mic from Joe Rogan, make like Scarface from Half Baked, then drop the mic, flip off the fans and then piss all over the cage before leaving for the locker room. If you're going to go all the way, then don't half-ass it.

Patrick: We really could do an entire Haters' Guide on Malki. This is, after all, the guy who said "PR isn't my job" while his most lucrative client was doing his level best to destroy his reputation with the UFC 151 debacle. Malki also got cold-cocked by Ali Abdelaziz, Frankie Edgar's manager/WSOF social media savant, after Frankie-Bendo II; August of 2012 really wasn't a great month for Malki.

I love the Scarface idea. Go get some fans, Jon Jones.


(Insert picture of Godzilla towering over a Japanese city) OH GOD, IT'S RUMBLE JOHNSON! AND HE LOOKS HUNGRY! QUICK, POINT HIM TOWARD THE NEAREST GOLDEN CORRAL!

Mookie: First things first: Golden Corral is terrible. I don't go to buffets often, and when I do it is almost always a Chinese one because the value is much better. Golden Corral is one of America's many drunken mistakes and their food is slightly more edible than what I imagine the Taco Bell Breakfast menu has to offer.

Anthony Johnson makes his return to the UFC after several years at welterweight and then a laughable attempt at making 185 lbs, where he missed weight so badly that Vitor Belfort took Jesus' name in vain. When Rumble misses weight, he aims to miss by at least 5 lbs. His fight against Yoshiyuki Yoshida looked like a high school senior football player shoving a freshman into his locker. Rumble wants you to have no doubt in his mind that when you know he won't make weight, shedding excess pounds in the sauna won't do. Rumble was John Lineker before John Lineker was ever relevant in MMA.

Because Rumble has missed weight so frequently (which resulted in his initial release), fans have taken to calling him "fat", when that's never been the case when he enters the cage. He's built like a massive brick shithouse of violence with legs that are designed to decapitate you upon contact with the head. Buuuuuuuuut lest we forget this picture, in which he looks like he's trying out for defensive tackle for the New York Jets. This is what really spawned "Crumble" Johnson, because he could probably run through Las Vegas' entire buffet row in one night, something only Jason Whitlock has achieved just seven times.

Patrick: In case you aren't familiar with this delightful slice of Americana, Golden Corral is the human equivalent of one of the industrial feeding troughs they use to fatten up cows before slaughter. Yes, this is a joke about Anthony Johnson being fat and missing weight enough times that "Rumbleweight" has become an actual thing rather than just a jab at our oft-hefty friend.

The irony is that Rumble looks to have solved his cardio and weight issues during his time away from the UFC, and if he has, he's a legitimate top-5 light heavyweight (lol, "light"). Like Mookie said, he's a bricked-up and downright mean sumbitch who possesses some of the pound-for-pound most powerful punches and kicks in the game. Not having to shed a Great Lake's worth of water before every fight looks like it's taken a real weight off his shoulders, and I know I'm excited to see him in the cage against budding hater Phil Davis.

Mookie: Side note, Rumble vs. Davis is likely to be advertised as the most explosive and athletic (read: blackest) fight in the history of the UFC. It is entirely possible that Bruce Buffer is temporarily replaced by hologram Isaac Hayes and Pam Grier as the ring card girl. The walkout music will be a clash of eras as one of them walks out to Pharrell Williams and the other one to some Barry White jam that will set the mood for one hell of an evening.

Patrick: I'm pretty sure Goldberg's head is eventually going to explode after he vomits a word salad of racially-coded superlatives. It should go something like this:


Goldberg: "Uhhh, yeah, Joe, these guys sure are...explosive...athletic...BLACK..." *sprays Joe Rogan with a solution of Red Bull, pixie sticks, and powdered Adderall like one of those tiny dinosaurs from Jurassic Park*
Rogan: "Uhhh, Mike, you can't just come out and say that."
Having achieved perfection, Goldberg morphs into pure energy and returns to the stars.


"Touchy" Fili and the Boundaries of Good Taste

Mookie: If you're a football fan like me, you'll remember one of Chris Berman's pet nicknames is "Touchy, Goody" for Arizona Cardinals kicker Jay Feely. Never did I imagine that an actual person would go through with the play on words. Featherweight prospect -- and this is a real prospect, not Jimi Manuwa who is 34 years old and has plenty of fights on his record) -- Andre Fili's actual nickname is "Touchy", which ... yeah. If I didn't know he was a UFC fighter I assume he owns a white van, would've been profiled on America's Most Wanted (if that show is still around), and has 3 boxes of Twizzlers in the back seat.

We already had nickname talk last month with England's Danny "The Cheesecake Assassin" Mitchell (a moniker better suited for Rumble...), so I plead with UFC fighters to make your nicknames not suck. Remember that TUF 17 guy whose nickname was "The Dick"? Imagine if he was good enough to be champion.

MMA fighters need to be better with nicknames. It's one of the many bad things about MMA.

Patrick: When your nickname is on the same level as a half-assed comment from ESPN's tenured moron-in-residence (it's like being the poet laureate of Great Britain, but more prestigious and better paid), you have a real problem. I like Fili quite a bit - he's entertaining on Twitter, and he has an intimate, slow-dancing type of relationship with brutal and entertaining violence while still being a serious prospect - but this is a next-level entrant in the bad nickname game.

Oh, MMA.

---------------------

And that'll do it for this week's installment. We'll be back next month to cover UFC 173's battle of the hobbits, which I believe (correct me if I'm wrong) is being contested for the Shire Heavyweight Championship. Until then, keep hating. Or not. We don't really care.

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