[We open up on a steamy MMA gym, somewhere on Long Island. Eager young acolytes twirl and gyrate in exotic karate poses. In the background, the faint voice of the Longo can be heard calling for a fucking hole to be punch through some unknown person's chest. The camera pans across the room to reveal Chris Weidman, a half finished jug of milk dangling from the cage fighter's hand.]
Weidman: "Hey, I'm UFC middleweight champion Chris Weidman, and I'm always getting asked questions. Usually about An'erson Silva, but other stuff too. Like the other day, I'm talking to my friend Georges St-Pierre, and he's like, 'Ay dere Chris, do you dink de A-Liens egg-zist?' I mean, I can't do his voice, but you know what I mean. Anyways, I tell him, 'I have no facts on that, but I wouldn't be surprised, I'll say that.' But then I was thinking about it last night while I was preparing Matt's marinara shake, and I'm sure some people in the UFC know something about aliens. Like Dana white. He has like billions of dollars so he must know something."
[We cut to the office of UFC President, Dana White, located in a secret radiation proof bunker, 1500 feet below the UFC headquarters.]
Weidman: "So like I was saying Dana, do you believe in aliens?
White: "Are you fucking shitting me Chris? This is the 'Big News' you wanted to talk to me about?"
Weidman: "Yeah, I mean I got this whole TV show on Syfy. It's pretty freakin' sweet."
White: "You're fucking serious? Do you realize how fucking busy I am? In fifteen minutes, I need to be in Brazil, so that the UFC can convert a Mayan Pyramid into a fucking stadium that Vitor Belfort can fight in. And I only have enough unicorn blood to use the circle of transportation three more times. After that, I'm having a meeting with the scientists from Jurassic park, to see about splicing the DNA of UFC legends with genetically reanimated dinosaurs. We're going to start a whole league made up of Liddellociraptors and Tito-saurus Rex's. It's gonna be fucking mind blowing."
Weidman: "Wow, GSP's gonna go crazy when he sees that... but you still didn't answer me about the aliens."
White: "You mean are they fucking real?"
White: "Of course they're fucking real. Haven't you heard of Bernard Hopkins?"
Weidman: "I... I don't think he's an actual alien. That's just a nickname. You know, they call him "The Alien" because he has crazy genetics and can still compete on an elite level even though he's really old. Just like they call me "All-American" even though I'm from Guatemala. "
White: "Alright, bad example. But what about fucking Yoel Romero? That guy's gotta be an alien. He's like 58 fucking years old and he looks 22."
Weidman: "Yeah, he's definitely one of the the greatest Cubans over 35 years old to ever fight in the UFC. I'd be honored if he let me horribly mangle him some day."
[Suddenly, the conversation is interrupted by UFC commentator/comedian, Joe Rogan]
Rogan: "Did I hear you silly bitches talking about aliens? You know what would be crazy, I mean... do... you.. know... what... would.. be... reallyfuckingcrazy? What if aliens are all around us, aaand we just can't see them? Like, what if they exist... in a completely different form than what we understand and we're completely oblivious to them. What if aliens are like farts... Only they don't smell like farts... You can't see a fart, so how would you know a fart exists if you couldn't smell it? Howwouldyouknow? You can't see gasses, son! So, how would you see an alien that looks like a fart but doesn'tsmelllikeafuckingfart?"
Weidman: "I don't think aliens are farts, Joe."
White: "Yeah, I fucking agree with Chris. If aliens were farts, wouldn't more people be abducted while they're on the fucking toilet?"
Rogan: "Maybe there are things that we just can't understand. I mean, how do you know what anything is? It's fucking CRAY-ZEE. Your understanding of the world is just like this subjective perception of reality, cobbled together from information your brain receives from your senses. Like, what if your fucking senses are different than another person's? What's the fucking color blue? Maybe we all perceive blue differently but agree that it's the same thing? Is your blue the same as my blue? Idunno... Maybe farts smell different to you than somebody else? Like they can smell the difference between the farts and the fart aliens. And so the fart aliens abduct them so they won't be exposed."
Weidman: "So, it's like 'They Live' but with farts?"
Rogan: "Pretty much."
Weidman: "I don't think this is going anywhere. Sorry guys, I guess I couldn't get the facts on this one."
White: "Seriously, fucking Guatemala? Do you know how long we've been trying to do TUF: Central America?"