Salutations to all of the cretins, creeps, kooks, dweebs, morons, meatheads, and mule porn addicts who comprise our audience and actually read this running stream of mess on a frequent basis.
This is the unofficial Haters' Guide to UFC on Fox 11, as written by myself (Mookie Alexander) and Patrick Wyman, who took some time out of his busy schedule of ranking the best MMA prospects by how sexy they'd look in fishnet stockings, to write this piece up.
We must admit, we're burned out by the last two events, and a card this good really doesn't deserve that much of our scorn. For the most part, we focused less on the fighters themselves and more on the location of the event and the weird decision to put Rafael dos Anjos and Khabib Nurmagomedov off the main card.
And yes, we thought about adding Miesha Tate to the hate list, and we were going to do that after the first two drafts, but decided to coast through the final draft and forgot to include her here.
Fabricio Werdum - Actual Troll
Mookie: Believe it or not, Fabricio Werdum has fought all of 6 times dating back to his unforgettable submission win over Fedor Emelianenko in the Gus Johnson-christened "Shank Tark". He's made the most of the few fights he's taken in the past 4 years, and with a win over Travis Browne he earns the right to fight Cain Velasquez/be horrifically mauled like a rat stuck in a tank filled with piranhas.
But there's something ... not right with him. I'm not talking about as a fighter, because he's one of the very best in the world in both Brazilian jiu-jitsu and in MMA. He's steadily improved as a striker to the point where fans no longer need shock therapy to forget the unbearable shitfest that was Werdum/Arlovski. Have you seen the faces he makes? He'd make a good clown with some of the weird, goofy looking "smiles" ... so on that note I say we pool our resources together, send him to clown school, and have him follow Tomas Rios around all day.
Patrick: Having spent a fair amount of time around Fabricio, I can confirm that the trollface thing isn't an act: he's a genuinely weird, funny guy, like a Brazilian version of Portland or Austin embodied in human form. He's also a crafty, intelligent fighter who's pretty good at getting inside his opponent's head. Would that help him against Cain Velasquez, assuming he somehow manages to make it past a much better striker/athlete in Travis Browne? Probably not, but you bet your ass that he'd make some strange faces and odder jokes before it happened.
Two top 10 lightweights ... on the prelims?
Mookie: You could either look at this as an example of how strong this Fox card is, or be puzzled as to why two established top 10 lightweights, one of them who is undefeated in his MMA career, is on the Fox Sports 1 prelims. Heaven forbid that the lightweight division actually gain maximum exposure to at least familiarize the audience with potential title challengers for Anthony Pettis to not fight because he's injured. This is a five-round caliber fight that's on a UFC prelim, and if top 10 guys are being bumped for historical non-finisher Brad Tavares, then they should just be moved to one of the UFC's 5000 upcoming shows.
Patrick: Yeah, this is absolutely terrible. Win or lose against dos Anjos, Khabib is going to be hanging around the top ten of the lightweight division for the foreseeable future, and it's essential that they start getting some eyeballs on him. If other fighters and managers can't tell him apart from Rustam Khabilov (or Ali Bagautinov, for that matter), then you have a pretty serious problem. I know, I know, MMA managers are totally incompetent - that's not a joke, they're actually incompetent - but it's still indicative of how far Khabib needs to go to build some name value. Putting him on the prelims of this show, where he'll draw at best a third of the viewers he would on the main card, is dumb.
What's even dumber is the fact that Tavares-Romero is getting that slot. Unless they're dead-set on making Romero shit himself live on national TV again, which in fairness would be awesome, it's a little puzzling to me that he's being given this showcase. Tavares isn't exactly a finishing machine, and Romero's fights can be a touch slow before the inevitable ultra-violence sets in.
Mookie: There is the Cuban factor in play for Romero, who lives and trains in Florida, where this show is unfortunately being held (more on America's impressively long but ultimately flaccid penis later).
Patrick: That's a fair point, and I hadn't considered it. Still, it's not like Miami's Cubans can't find FS1 on the dial. Is a dial still a thing? Asking for a friend.
Mookie: It's a known fact that Floridians don't watch TV, which explains why no one watches Marlins or Rays games in-person or on their 1974 Zenith.
Patrick: Well, they may not be watching, but everybody else in the assisted-living facility and the surrounding five-mile area can sure hear it. TURN ON YOUR HEARING AIDS, GRANDPA - NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO HEAR MATLOCK RERUNS AT 4 IN THE MORNING.
Florida - The state for people who find Kansas to be "too intellectual"
Mookie: The UFC has never been to Orlando before and seldom holds cards in Florida ... and for good reason. This is the state where $1/$1 salaries are handed out, referees and judges relish in their ability to be so incompetent that it makes Wyoming's commission look like New Jersey's, and they spawned the initial hysteria surrounding Fallon Fox.
There are plenty of great places in this big ol' country. Florida is not one of them. It's directly in the path of hurricanes, has unbearable heat in the summer, and churns out the stupidest people on the face of the Earth (see: Hernandez, Aaron). If Floridians were any dumber they'd be Spike TV's viewing audience combined with the airheads who can listen to The View for a whole hour five days a week. Why do you think there's a Florida Man Twitter account? Because that's the state where crazy shit happens on a daily basis and no one bats an eye once they hear it's in Florida.
And the worst part? Florida (and it's Midwestern cousin Ohio) are the biggest swing states when deciding who should be President of this country. Floridian citizens do not deserve the copious amounts of cocaine they snort nor the seemingly limitless amount of horny high school math teachers who are getting freaky with 17 year olds.
Patrick: Ah, Florida, a land of fearless patriots Standing Their Ground, thrice-divorced, surgically-augmented gold-diggers searching for Mr. Right Club Promoter/Lifestyle Consultant, all-you-can-eat buffets to service the entire over-65 population transplanted from north of the Mason-Dixon line, and retirement communities so vast and featureless that they make Judge Dredd's Mega City 1 look like sleepy rural hamlets. Side note: Call your grandparents in Florida, assholes.
Aside from the bizarre and surreal daily happenings in the rest of America's least favorite state, as Mookie pointed out, the only other time we civilized folk care about the phallic peninsula is during election years. It's fairly terrifying that we allow the denizens of that Godforsaken hellhole to pick the president.
UFC 172 will be our next edition of this series, and recent developments have made next week's PPV just an orgy of hatred that we're waiting to sink our teeth in. Stay tuned and please stop trying to bite your elbow.