I know all of you internet cowards have been talking shit about what happened to Julianna, so I'm here to set the fucking record straight. First of all, it wasn't that fucking Paul Harris guy we fired a while ago. Trust me, we have him tagged and under observation by the Brazilian government. It also definitely fucking wasn't Ronda Rousey wearing a baseball cap and a sharpie mustache, training with Julianna under the name "Ronald Roundtree." We don't really fucking know who the perpetrator was, but GSP has offered his services to investigate if aliens were involved.
What I do know is that I'm fucking pissed off. When I taught boxing to Cain and Abel, I knew I was gonna see some fucked up shit, but this is at the top of the list. I haven't seen an injury this bad since Overeem attacked the Kentucky Derby and 32 horses died. This is the kind of sick shit that Tim Kennedy dreams about doing to home invaders. But don't fucking worry pussies, the guy who did this won't go unpunished. As we speak, Ray Longo and Chris Weidman are hunting him down, and they've promised me that they will have Matt Serra give that scumbag a dutch oven before they bring him to justice.
As for Bob Odenkirk and Sam Shillcilia... Those two fucking goofs couldn't even buy a fucking small business together and successfully turn it into a franchise with locations in three counties. They weren't even there when she got hurt, so for all they know, the fucking ninja turtles broke in and took turns karate kicking Julianna until her knee decided it wanted to be in four different rooms. If they don't watch out, Bjork Lesbian and Bellaturd will have two more lightweights to lose to fucking Eddie Alvarez. That's all I have to say about the situation at the moment. If you want to see more, I'll be explaining the entire fucking situation in an exclusive interview with Justin Bieber that will only be broadcast on Fight Pass. Now I have to get back to Brazil to stop Wandy from ruining everybody's memories of The Dark Night by doing a terrible impersonation of Heath Ledger's joker over the guitar solos from the song Stars by Hear n' Aid.