Last Saturday at UFC 163, MMA veteran turned in-studio MMA analyst Brian Stann played substitute teacher in the commentary booth as Joe Rogan had a scheduling conflict. My best guess is that Rogan couldn’t make it to Brazil because he was too busy questioning things such as, "Why the hell would anyone spend fifty-five dollars on a pay-per-view featuring a fight between Thiago Santos (not the one who broke Eric Prindle’s nuts) and Cezar Ferreira as well as the long, but not-so-awaited return of Thales Leites.
Nevertheless, Stann did a superb job of commentating throughout the night. As a commentating peer of Brian Stann (I have a terrible half-inning of commentating an independent baseball team that fielded Jose Canseco under my belt), I must say that was I baffled on how Stann’s call was relatively flawless when you remember that this was his first time as a commentator for a live UFC PPV.
Although Brian Stann has showcased that he is a tremendous orator on Fuel post-UFC shows, it is just simply too hard to believe that his performance at UFC 163 was devoid of any outside help, so I did some investigating. Although I’m not as skilled as the NCAA when it comes to investigating, my investigation did find something astonishing.
According to reports from source that received information from anonymous people close to the situation, the UFC aided Stann’s commentary efforts with the Official UFC Commentating Guide. The idea of UFC Commentating Guide intrigued me, so I decided to launch another investigation to retrieve the guide.
Unfortunately, I didn’t find it. So without further ado, here is the Official UFC Commentating Guide (that Daniel Galvan completely made up)!
The Official UFC Commentating Guide
So you want to be a fucking UFC commentator?!
Wow, really? You actually want to be a UFC commentator? Son, there are plenty of other things you could do with your life. You could be a famous athlete, a movie star, a president, a writer for Bloody Elbow, but if this is what you want to do, well then, here’s how you do it.
Rule 1: The best and the greatest.
According to a survey from a random fifth grade class in French Lick, Indiana, sports fans like to watch the greatest athletes of all time. That profound discovery was our "The earth isn’t flat" moment. From that point on, we have informed our commentators that it’s important to tell the audience that they are watching the greatest fighters on the planet, even if those fighters are Sean Gannon or Ross Pointon. To quote Brock Lesnar, "You gotta make a chicken shit out of some chicken salad".
"Mark Hunt is the greatest kickboxer on the planet"
"This is the best Melvin Guillard that we have ever seen"
"Philippe Nover may be the next Anderson Silva"
"(Plug in any name) Gracie is the top BJJ artist in the world"
"(Plug in any fighter that uses leg kicks) has the most lethal leg kicks I have ever seen"
Rule 2: Our fighters are well-rounded
This is a follow-up to rule 1. Since our fighters are the best, they are also well-rounded. Our fighters are men and women and… (This is the point where I could make a Fallon Fox joke. This is the point where I don’t make a Fallon Fox Joke) that are masters of the diverse set of skills required to be successful in Mixed Martial Arts.
"(A fighter who is known as a striker) has an underrated ground game"
"(A fighter who is known for his ground game) has really improved as a striker"
Rule 3: Guillotines are dangerous
The guillotine choke is the most dangerous guillotine-type submission in MMA. Because this submission had its name derived from a top 17 (according to Bleacher Report) medieval execution device, it’s important that we let the fans know when the choke is coming. At any point in time if you even so much as think that a fighter is going to lock in a guillotine, let the audience know.
"(Whenever a fighter has his hands anywhere close to the neck region of his opponent) is going for a guillotine choke here"
"This guillotine looks really tight, this could be it"
"There is enough space there; this choke isn’t tight at all (fighter then taps three seconds later)"
Rule 4: Controversy creates cash
To borrow a quote from Eric Bischoff’s book Controversy Creates Cash, "Controversy Creates Cash" (Front page, Bischoff). If you smell a potential controversy on the live broadcast, let the audience know about it and continue to bring it up until Mike Goldberg pees on your leg (Goldberg’s urine splash is universal for shut up).
"What a terrible stoppage by (plug in referee name). I mean sure he wasn’t intelligently defending himself, but he could have very well made a comeback. (Defeated fighter’s name) could’ve gone for at least three more seconds, just an embarrassing job by the referee."
"(If a fight is close and goes to the judges, no matter who gets the decision.) Wow, what a terrible decision. I don’t even know what to say. It’s a joke that these buffoons get paid to judge MMA. They’re needs to be some accountability with judging. Personally, I believe there should be a leprechaun under the desk that should kick the judges in the knee after every terrible decision."
Rule 5: MMA rules suck
If baseball is America’s game, then complaining is America’s hobby. According to the survey mentioned in Rule 1, ten out of ten MMA fans that complain regularly tend to complain regularly, so it’s important to complain throughout the broadcast in order to connect with our fanbase. Rules are meant to be broken and complained about so feel free to use the unified MMA rules as fuel for your bonfire of complaints.
"It’s a complete joke that 12-6 elbows are illegal. This isn’t a driving test; all types of elbows should be legal. Really, the only thing that should be illegal is the people that came with the rules."
"Mixed Martial Arts will never be taken seriously unless the rules are altered, so that every MMA event requires a moat infested with gators around the cage."
Rule 6: The UFC takes care of its family
It’s important to let the public know that the UFC is an amazing organization that takes care of its fighters, even after they retire. If any ex-UFC fighter is shown during the broadcast be sure to let the audience know that they work for the UFC.
List of UFC job titles:
Vice President of Fighter Communications
UFC (Plug in South American country) Ambassador
Assistant to the Regional Manner
Social Media Senior Correspondent
Those are the six major rules to follow when commentating a UFC event. It’s also important to remember to scream whenever a significant part of the fight happens and that you can say things like "he looks like he’s running out of gas", "MMA fighters need to be required to wear cups made out of deer antlers", and "Tyson Griffin would have a nice badonkadonk" when you run out of things to say.