Hello there mutherfukers, and welcome to the BECW 5 awards ceremony. I will be your host, current reigning BECW champion captain Josh Hall. This BECW season was one of the strangest to date, with upsets happening in fights and fantasy matchups all across the board. There was a lot of fun and crazy shit this season, and here we will recognize the great achievements of the season, as well as the failures.
We could start with the highlights, but I don't want to start gloating yet, so let's get to our first award of the night, or whatever the fuck time it is when you read this.
The winner of the annual Keith R. Campbell RageQuit Trophy goes to: Tim Kennedy Thread Survivors, captained by last season's runner up, Violent Newt. Their total failure was highlighted in the final when they could not even get a single fight picked by BE staff writer Tim "I don't make my picks when I'm on vacation" Burke, and they finished dead last again. Well done guys.
Now, on to the Grand Prix champions: BOB SAPP'S BUSHIDO SPIRIT, captained by yours truly. The Bushido Spirit appeared to be in disarray throughout the regular season, only scoring wins over the bland prix mega failures TKTS. In the playoffs, however, that all changed, as BSBS took out the 2&3 seeds in back to back events, only to save us all from the never ending stream of lanky shit had his team won the title. You are all welcome.
Now lets get to some individual awards we need to acknowledge. Once again, we will start will the not so good, because its more fun that way.
It takes a special kind of asshole to highlight the LOLfail moments of the season prominently, but fortunately I am just that kind of guy. So, without further ado, LETS get to it.
Least Valuable Player:
CatchNJ687- Normally I'm not the kind of guy to laugh and point at someone for sucking, so I wasn't planning on including this in the awards, but Catch becomes the first player in BECW history to make ZERO FUCKING PICKS in the playoffs, so here we are. Way to go, asshole.
Most Valuable Player:
Sgiblin- There were really only two real candidates for this award, and one of them I am disqualifying from contention, because giving the title to myself would be like Kevin Casey awarding himself a black belt in BJJ. Sgiblin did more than enough to win this award pretty clearly, not only scoring the highest point total in the BECW (and #3 on all of PG) and being the only player above average every single event, but doing all of this without watching a single fight. That is amazing, and a great big 'fuck you' to the rest of us. Damn fine work, sir.
Tim Burke- I hate having to repeatedly take shots at one of my favorite people on BE, but damn Timmeh, you fucked this season all up. After being drafted in the #16 spot, you finished dead last amongst all players involved for a full season. Not your strongest of seasons my friend.
Most Improved Player:
Body Triangle- The BECW's favorite lawyer found some time to watch fights this season, and holy shit it made a mutherfuking difference. The perennial last pick found himself in the #1 spot early on, and held strong for a highly respectable 12th place overall finish, after being picked in the #132 spot. Good work sir.
Rookie of the Year:
FFC- I really hate to have to edit this post to give an award to a guy that asked for it in the comments section, but when you're right you're right. For Fuck's Cake had a hell of a rookie season, by far the best acquisition for LOL (Sklart did a little too, I guess), and a top 10 performance makes him the easy selection.
PFP LOLWUT Low Score of the Season:
Tim Burke/Trice- Both scoring 17 points in the fourth event of the season, both Trice and the Beer Monster set the season mark for individual event futility. For those of you that don't know why this award is named as such, former 2 time champ PFP set the bar as low as possible in the BECW without making picks at all. See his award inspiring failure from UFC 119 here: http://www.mmaplayground.com/picks.aspx?UID=34704&EID=86
Most Diabolical Score (Season high score):
RStephen4- In event #8 of the season, RStephen4 whipped out his dick and showed everyone what he brought to the table, scoring an absurd 101 points on a tough card. If you don't know the name origins of this award, the all time single event king in BECW history is the former Diabolical one, Earl Montclair, with his stupid good 106 point score from UFC 153. Kudos to RStephen4 for a hell of a finish to crack the top 10 after 3 sub par events to start.
Speaking of the top 10, at the request of my favorite Jew Benten (and the hopes he will one day share a little of his Jew gold with me, fingers crossed), here is our final top 10 standings for season 5:
- Tim Bernier-642
- Josh Hall-640
- Ben Bauman-637
Congrats to all the players that cracked the top 10 in season 5. Solid performances by each and every one of you (except me, I have still no clue how you fucks let me have a top 10 season).
Speaking of solid performances...
I have decided to hand out two BECW Lifetime Achievement Awards. Since none of you gave me any ideas, you are stuck with my shitty ones, and you will like them, damn it!!!
The first lifetime achievement award goes to an OG of the BECW, and one of the people who has helped grow it into what it is now. He also happens to be the highest total scorer in the history of the war, and our resident genius who I'm certain is slaving over his computer right now doing mathy things that maybe two of you guys can understand. Certainly not me. Your winner of the first BECW Lifetime Achievement Award is the Monty Python name inspired: wonderfulspam
Now for BECW Lifetime Achievement Award #2: This man has not been with the BECW since the beginning, but damned if he hasn't made his mark in his 3 seasons of play. Quite possibly the quietest of all the warriors, this man silently picks his fights, and does it better than anyone else here. If you don't who I am talking about yet, he has finished #1, #1, and #2 overall for the past 3 seasons. Ladies and gentlemen, the Lifetime Achievement Award for consistency goes to: swiftman
Now that we have rightfully talked about some great/terrible individual players, LETS have some fun with the captains.
I could name a captain of the year, but I lack to flexibility to fellate myself so I'm going to just leave that category out. I do have to say that I was the highest scoring captain, however, as well as the captain of the champion team, so it looks like I am more flexible than I thought. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA
LOLCAPTAINFAILS- This is the best part of the awards, in my opinion. The perfect place to mock the jackassery that is always a part of every single season. I could name one, but too many of you gave me ammunition to use here, and you can't give a gun, bullets, and not expect a shot or 3 to be fired.
Lanky6- It seems almost unfair to include the runner up captain on this list, but you did this to yourself, son. You proved you were destined for failure when you acted as the human rain delay during the draft, proving you not only have zero concept of how a snake draft works, and managing to blow the most obvious #1 selection in BECW history (No disrespect to Drew, who was a pretty obvious #2 IMO). You compounded your failure by putting that stupid TM on your not team name, declaring yourself the reigning champ after the semifinals, and then playing Ernesto Hoost to my Bob Sapp in the finals. You thought you were gonna steal my title, but...
Violent Newt- Newt had strong momentum after his season 4 runner up finish, but things went wrong for him before season 5 ever started, when he called me out for two free wins in the BECW "Group of Death". Instead, he was the bottom feeder of the division, getting MurderDeathKilled by team Sapp twice, culminating with an embarrasing Bland Prix run to the Keith R. Campbell memorial trophy.
ScoreCardOTN- You took a unique strategy in the draft, taking a number of players that were complete unknowns very early on. It led you as expected, to the Bland Prix. With an entire team of unknowns, it is not surprising the first player to miss 3 straight events came from your team (though that isn't really your fault, I'm still pointing it out because I'm an asshole). With your team even having the acronym of LOL, there was really never a doubt you would appear in this section. But take solace, you are still no kreally. And damn it, you did try.
And, that's it guys and gals. I've got nothing left to say, and no more awards to hand out. Season 6 beins Saturday, so get your picks in. I look forward to seeing who will step up to attempt (and fail) to dethrone the champ. WAR BEAUTIES AND THE BEARD!!!! LETS MUTHERFUKERS!!!
NOTE: EDITED TO INCLUDE ROOKIE OF THE YEAR, WHICH I SOMEHOW FORGOT. THANKS FOR FUCKS CAKE