QUEBEC CITY, CANADA--In a move that shocked the MMA world, UFC welterweight champion Georges St-Pierre today announced the opening of the new Quebec City mall, Les Galeries de la Capitale, as well as plans to give up his championship belt and take a possibly permanent leave of absence from fighting.
"I am very proud to have been asked to announce the opening of Les Galerie de la Capitale", St-Pierre said, in French, "and also that my career as a fighter is probably coming to an end."
Veteran journalists were stunned by the announcement. "This was not what I expected," said Ben Fowlkes, writer for the popular website, MMAJunkie. "I was sure that Marcel Adams would be the first to announce the opening, and then St-Pierre would speak. I mean, it was Adams's brainchild. But to have GSP speak first -- well, that's just a huge vote of confidence in St. Pierre, though i guess it's a bit ill-timed, since we'll probably never see GSP fight again."
When pressed for questions regarding what it was about the new mall he was most excited by, St-Pierre responded, "honestly, I don't know that much about it," St-Pierre responded. "But that's not surprising to me, as repeated blows to the head have made me forget a lot of things, which motivated my decision to ret...oh, wait! Orange Julius. I'm most excited by the new Orange Julius."
In the wake of criticism that he had pushed St-Pierre to this decision, Dana White replied, "I need to give you a little background. Georges was really on the fence about this mall opening. He floated the possibility of showing up and just saying, 'a mall, somewhere, will open soon, or maybe it won't. Give it some time,' but I told him, 'Georges, there's no middle ground here. You can tell people it's going to open, or you can tell people it won't. You can't leave people in limbo -- they need to make decisions about where to shop". Asked about St-Pierre's possible retirement, White responded, "Look, I've got a million [expletive] things to do. Whether Georges St-Pierre retires or not is not really something I have time to care about."
Pressed for further elaboration on his announcement, St-Pierre elaborated. "You know, I can't sleep at night...I'm going crazy over these prices I've been hearing about. With these kinds of shopping opportun...excuse me, shopportunities, I just don't have time to fight for as long as this new mall is here."