So yeah, it’s been a while since I wrote my last awesome & factually sound piece for this dumb site and I remember all of you back then were like "Yeah that Tom guy, he’s like totally right, all of the time – it’s a real shame we can’t vote him for president instead of Black Hitler, and just because he’s Australian – that’s like the dumbest idea ever.. except for the idea where the guy who invented the snuggie forgot to include a sharting hole, or even some kind of large rear pouch one could comfortably shart into over several hours/days depending on diet and the size of the sharter".
So I decided to come back and vagazzle you guys with a sweet theory I’ve pretty much completely proven. Sure, there’s a few holes, but not like swiss cheese style, with holes everywhere – more like most MMA fans faces – just one really annoying hole that keeps moaning about how Johny "Boo Boo" Hendricks got "robbed" or "molested" in his latest fight with George "Such a French Guys" Posterior.
Once again I was shocked at how all of these people were like "GSP is going to totally sex-doll this guy", mainly because of all the hip thrusting people were doing when they were saying it, like the best part of MMA is the penetrating, and not the awesome high-crotching and 9-3 elbows, pioneered by perennial weight-changing scale-chameleon Kenneth Florida.. but also because I had this sneaking suspicion that Jonathan Hendrix was harbouring a secret. A secret that involved none other than the UFCs own most yelling-est commentator/podcast gypsy, Joseph "Gerbils" Roganjosh.
It all became obvious to me during Joe’s recent podcast with GSP, when the Canadian strategist/Asian woman fetishizer theorised that he had "lost time" – at which point Joe immediately & justifiably was like "OMF-Hamster penis infatuation, ALIENS!" with all the excitement he normally displays when whichever fighter he has predetermined to be the winner pulls their arm back, with the intent of punching the other fighter, only to mistake Joes screeching with that of a pack of rabid Hyenas on heat – causing them to assume the "Protect your general arse-area from Hyena wangs" pose, which is somewhat coincidentally struggling away in quite a loose half-guard.
This got me thinking, which if you’re anything like I am – is a precursor for demonstrably great things, almost exclusively. I thought "Gee, Joe’s going all History Channel on me, I wonder if there’s anything behind it" – and here are my findings.. exclusive to Bloody Elbow.
In a few steps I can prove to you, that not only have frigging Aliens been fucking with GSP’s training camp, but there is a very secretive reason that Joe Rogan wants GSP to retire, with the belt going straight to Johny Hendricks.
My theory starts by establishing a connection between GSP’s "missing time", Aliens, Johny Hendricks and Joe Rogan. I had to use my vast knowledge of computers and simulated renderings, but my first logical jump – brought me back to the first time Aliens were connected to MMA.
The most well-known Alien pundit banging about is in fact the History Channels ‘Alien Guy’. He has once before crossed our collective paths here in SBNation, by using mind-melding techniques to assume control of Luke Thomas’es body.
Note here the similar posture & gesturing:
Figuring this must have been Alien Guys first foray into the world of MMA, but also the first documented case of mind-melding - it had become alarmingly clear, like my urine when I drink water.
Alien Guy knew aliens existed, because he had been abducted by them and given special powers, in order to influence the worlds most powerful organisations.
I then thought "Gee, maybe he is mind melding other people in MMA – but how would I tell?"
Obviously, the answer was in the hair.
Using a supercomputer and a large number of sandwiches, I deduced the following shocking information.
By putting the Aliens guys hair onto Joe Rogan, I did not learn all that much.. except that he looked a bit like that retarded guy off Eastbound and Down..
note how it is impossible to tell which one is Joe Rogan, and which one is a retarded person.
I then thought to myself, "What about facial hair.. specifically.. Alien guys hair as facial hair.."
Which gave me:
Sure, he looks like someone who lives exclusively on the Dark web, but no evidence of further Alien/Hendricks collusion there.
Then, through a stroke of genius, I removed the original hair to find:
BAM. Joehny Hendricks.
Having made this discovery it has become very clear. Joe Rogan, drunk on the power which comes with an MMA commentators job, but hungry for accolades inside the cage that weren’t directly related to awkward interviews with stilted, politically uninformed barbarians – was the prime target for Alien guy, in his pursuit of influence over another of our planets most powerful organisations, the UFC.
He had Joe Rogan abducted, and given the powers of mind melding, cloning, complete observational fight-bias and even louder screeching, for some reason.
But to the dismay of Alien guy, and his overlords - Joe Rogan then went rogue (edit: Joe Roguean? can't believe I missed that). In order to try and cash in the wealth and riches that being a random welterweight in the UFC brings – and after hearing about GSP’s annual 12 million dollar earnings – he decided to clone himself as, Johny Hendricks.
His clone got pumped up on Alien steroids and went to work, killing Dutchmen, and shooting random animals with a spear gun. This is the real reason Joehny didn’t want to do VADA testing.. Alien steroids make our stuff look like Justin Biebers piss.
At night Joehnhy would mind-meld with GSP, which had two affects: One was to give us a more sinister GSP, who now had a clearly detectable "dark place".
And whilst many fans of GSP wanted nothing more than to crawl up into this "dark place", get all warm & cosy and listen to some vaguely tolerable French rap music – what they should have been doing was worrying about the other side-effect of Joehny Hendricks’s incessant mind-melding.
GSP’s "missing time".
Despite all of this joe-foolery, the whole entire plan was ultimately brought down due to the decisions from 2 of 3 people that were trained to judge fights by a dyslexic honey badger – in what was a much closer fight than most people should have expected, if they knew that one guy was an alien-steroid infused Joe Rogan clone, who had completely fucked GSP’s entire camp, given him a cavernous dark place, and was hell bent on both sponsorship deals and the potential to get away with wearing a turtle neck sweater once in a god damn while.
But alas, GSP was victorious and now Joeny Rogan is taking the diplomatic route in trying to acquire GSP’s riches..
Now that the lid has been removed on this epic conspiracy, we should really be thanking GSP for not only being a consummate professional amongst a sea of racist, sexist, mongoloid twitter idiots, but for holding the belt as a 100% human being.
He fought for us, he won for earth.
GSP – Destroyer of worlds.