FanPost

My Therapy

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I have bruises everywhere, I can barely walk right, and my body feels like it’s been tenderized, and I couldn’t be happier. I finally moved back home after being in the Northwest for 2 years, but it’s been a tough journey. Between waiting for my Daughter to join me, looking for a new job/waiting for school to start up, stress from the past..I’ve been a man torn apart. Nothing has helped. I turned to drinking more in an effort to drown out my pain and help me sleep, but even that stopped working. I woke up in the middle of the night and paced around the house trying to slow down my heart rate and calm my anxiety. I tried to fight back depression by going on long runs in an effort to tire myself out to the point of exhaustion so I won’t have to think about everything going on in my life. I needed an out; I needed my own sort of therapy.



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After moping around and finally fed up with letting my sadness get the best of me, I decided I’m better than this, and I know exactly how to fix it. I wanted to go to my old stomping grounds at the MMA Lab, but I found an affiliate of if that is much closer and slowly began to build up the nerve to enter a BJJ school again. Fears of mat rust, being out of shape and overweight tried to creep up on me, but I shook it off knowing that not only did I want this, I needed this. I needed a release. I needed something to look forward to. I needed something to push me. I needed this to exercise my body, mind, heart and soul. I needed this to help me crawl out of this dark hole that I fell in. I needed this for hope.

I put on my gi for the first time in over 3 years, and what a feeling it was. Sweat built up, butterflies went away, and I felt whole again. All of my stress went away as I focused on my sweeps and guard passing. I smiled when I got swept, I laughed when someone passed my guard, and I was having fun again. Nothing could fade me at this point; I felt like the mats were my second home. I have trained before in the past under great instructors, but last night everything clicked. I listened attentively to what my instructor said, and more importantly I paid attention to what my body was telling me to do. I was sweaty and exhausted, gassed out as a result of not keeping myself in shape, but I know being tired is only temporary. I am going to continue doing this in a feverish manner. I am going to teach my anxiety and depression a lesson, and it’s simple…I’m not to be fucked with anymore. I look forward to learning as much as I can and using it in future tournaments and competition. I held myself down for way too long, and I’m ecstatic that I found my way again. I can’t wait for tonight and the lessons that will be taught. I’m eager to use the lessons that are shown and to master them to the point that it becomes second nature. Most of all, I’m glad to continue with the most effective means of therapy I’ve ever come across, thank you BJJ for making me feel like nothing is impossible.

\The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Bloody Elbow readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Bloody Elbow editors or staff.

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