FanPost

Donate to the Memorial Stephan P. Bonnar Center for Suicidal Schizophrenics

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via cdn.bleacherreport.net

Stephan Bonnar is not a mentally stable man, we all know this. One problem we face as a society, is our apparent apathy or perhaps even disdain towards those with mental illnesses. I aim to change that, with the founding of the Memorial Stephan P. Bonnar Center for Suicidal Schizophrenics. The reason I have named my newly founded nonprofit organization after The American Psycho, is due to the advanced state of which his illness has deteriorated, as demonstrated by him volunteering to be a suicide booth guinea pig Anderson Silva's opponent at UFC 153. It has deteriorated to the point where modern medicine won't cure him, so they had to exhaust various other methods of finding a cure. Such methods include grating his scalp with alligator skin, dropping an anvil from atop the Empire State Building onto his head, and something involving Michael McDonald's fists. In hindsight, none of those were ever really good ideas, but goddamn if they weren't fun to watch. Nevertheless, while Bonnar is in hospice training camp for Silva, I will discuss the MSPBCFSS and what you can do to help. So please, click after the jump, to learn about our fine organization, otherwise you must be some kind of kitten-tossing, child-hating communist. And you're not a communist, are you?

Founded five minutes ago, the MSPBCFSS prides itself in being the world's foremost leader in Mental Illness Awareness, as described by me. As the CEO, President, Vice President, Executive Supervisor to the Vice President's Secretary, Head Researcher in the Studies of Insanity and Big Pimp Daddy of the Loonies, I firmly spearhead the charge on Mental Illness Awareness, and am always on the front lines on the battle against MI. How do we do this, you may ask? It is quite simple, really. Think about it, what is the best and most efficient way to make people aware of something? Obviously to create a destructive super army of them, and use them to wreak havoc across the country. How were feminists able to make their voices heard and be given equal rights? By taking to the streets while topless, of course. And they achieved their goals, one sagging, lumpy breast at a time.

Now by this point you may be asking yourself, how do we go about this plan? Elementary, my dear Earnest. Obviously by giving them a potentially lethal injection of Arrogantium, a super concentrated form of the compound found in the Arrogant Pill. The Cock will increase the crazies' lunacy, and make them SO NAI beyond reproach. This will almost certainly cause chaotic riots throughout the world, and leave nothing but destruction, famine and scorched earth in their wake. In fact, this could be the most ridiculously ill-advised idea in the history of terrible ideas. Oh wait, second most, I forgot someone gave Keith a banhammer. The death toll will most likely be in the hundreds of millions, which is coincidentally, the number of people it would take to balance a scale with Mark Hunt on the other side. This will also cause some sort of virus to develop, infecting people, and sending them to the hospital at a higher rate than dudebros who read one of Jack Slack's Judo Chops and now believe they can kick Jose Aldo's ass. That'll show them some first class mental illness awareness. Make them aware of deez nutz.

So here's where you all come in; I need people to fund my research to increase the potency of Arrogantium. With that in mind, I'm aware that some of you commies are jerks, and would rather donate to the Dana White Shelter for Butthurt Keyboard Warriors, so I will give you all added incentive to do so, because you're not 'Murican enough to cause a drug-induced, chemically imbalanced armageddon. Donate to the MSPBCFSS and I will do whatever you want. That's it. I can eradicate your enemies with untested government technologies or I can bake you a fresh batch of cookies and anything in between. Tired of Jim, the dick from accounting, always fucking up the payroll. Won't be a problem anymore, not after I plant snapping turtle eggs in his lungs. MWAHAHAHAHA, FUCK YOU JIM! Want to ask a girl out, but don't have the courage to do so. Well it won't be a problem after I stalk her relentlessly, write her poems about how beautiful she looks when she's asleep, and cut locks of her hair when she's on the subway. She'll have no choice to fall for you! Especially after you save her from this dangerous lunatic attempting to run her over with a car with a pig heart on the bumper. That's right, folks! I'm selling you my dignity! The link is right here if you want to donate, and buy my self-respect. How much is my dignity worth, you say? It's hard to put an exact number on it, but if you really want to buy it, I would have to say that...I'ma need about...Tree Fiddy.

\The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Bloody Elbow readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Bloody Elbow editors or staff.

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