I'm going to presuppose that I have in fact become the confidante and right hand man of Jon Jones in this situation. Perhaps, I'm his new PR man (you know, the one he actually listens to)... or I'm Greg Jackson (by unanimous decision it's been determined you should buy my books! Gregjitsu!)... or by some chance maybe I'm one of the girls that was in his Bentley when it crashed into that terribly misplaced pole (shared near death experiences can bring people together for life).
That said, he reveres my opinion and we are decidedly going with this scripted post-fight speech next month if Jones gets past Belfort.
Time warp: It's the conclusion of UFC 152. At this point we've just finished with Joe Rogan's hyperbolic yelling and astonishment over whatever nominally amazing thing happened in the fight and Jon Jones finally gets the mic.
"First off, much respect to Vitor. He came here on short notice and remains a warrior... and a legend of the sport. It was such an honor to fight you. Let's hear for Vitor everyone!"
(insert pity applause from a complying yet indifferent audience)
"Ok... secondly... well, I wrote this down as we all know how hard Vitor hits. Haha..."
(refers to note as lord knows Lil' JJ would stick his foot in his mouth like he gets fetishistic pleasure out of it at this point)
"I know I've disappointed the UFC and a lot of our fans with some of my actions of late. For that, I apologize. I'm 25... the champion... and I made some poor choices. Sadly, I can't take it back... However, I want my next fight to be very soon... and I want it to be free on Fox for all those fans that were willing to stick with me and this great sport. For my next one, I'll give most of my purse up to a charity of the UFC's choice... the rest will go to a college fund for my kids as they are the only reason I work so hard day in and day out.
(pause for mild applause)
I know Machida's in line. Hendo is there. A heavyweight fight, sure... Hell, if you all really want Sonnen, I'll be glad to shut his mouth once and for all. I really don't care.
Dana, figure out something fun here for everyone. 151 was my bad. This next fight is on me."
A star is greatly restored in under two minutes and it all still largely falls in line with his mercurial personality.
Plus, this would give him a highly visible opportunity to start monetizing that Nike sponsorship with a big fight on free television... not that he'd think that selfishly... Cough.
Public relations is simple stuff for simple people.
Where's my paycheck?