WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS EXTREME LANGUAGE
This is a piece of comedy. The views of this Bloody Elbow community member does not reflect the views of the Bloody Elbow editorial staff, SB Nation or Dana White.
Hello. As you all may know, Dana White is a man of many words, and most of those words are "fuck" or having to do with mixing, it being what it is, and Greg Jackson being a sport killer. What you don't know is Dana White is a BE lurker. When I figured this out, I contacted him give us his thoughts on our little community. Dana agreed by calling me a keyboard warrior and a weirdo. So without further adieu, I present to you the first Bloody Elbow State of the Union Address, Presented by Dana White. Dana, take it away.
"Shut the fuck up Sugel, you fucking dummy. I'm gonna fucking talk about the stuff that happened in the last few fucking months, because if I start from the fucking beginning, I'm gonna have to go until next week about what the fuck is wrong with you fucking lunatics."
"SSReporters and halitosis are now part of the fucking staff. Think about that for a fucking second, SS and halitosis, were giving fucking banhammers. Do you see the fucking problem here? SS is a fucking psycho. I don't know what the fuck SS stands for, but I'm fucking sure it's some kind of Culinary Union shit. Those fuckers are always trying to fuck me over, you know? He's a fucking Seahawks fan. Do you know how fucking nuts you have to be to be a Seahawks fan? Fucking nuts, that how much. I've never met the guy, but I'm pretty fucking sure he's at home ironing his Terrell Owens jersey in his mom's basement, or some shit. It's all about the fucking Pats, man. Jon Jones' brother plays for them. And don't get me fucking started on his fucking name. Moo-key? it sounds like the fucking punch line of an awful joke. 'What the fuck do you need to open the cow's barn? A Moo-key."
"George? Halvatzis? Jr.!? The Junior part of that pisses me off the fucking most. It means there's another man with the same fucking name and same fucking garbage breath as him. He got his ass handed to him by that guy, what the fuck was his fucking name? Stainlesssteel. I fucking miss that guy. He was in the fucking mix. But George couldn't fucking handle that, so he teamed up with the fucking Culinary Union and banned his ass. George is always talking about a fucking fence grab. That's fucking easy for you to say you fucking keyboard warrior. Sometimes these things fucking happen in MMA. Somewhere, Joben is fucking rolling over in his grave over these fucks being payed to write shit."
"The third fucking season of the Bloody Elbow World War ended a few weeks ago. What the fuck was that? Civil War? Whatever, fuck. Beta Males are the fucking champions, they're in the fucking mix. They're so in the fucking mix, half of the mix is their piss. Warios are in the fucking mix too. You don't go to the finals without being in the fucking mix. You know who I thought would be in the fucking mix? kreally. He had a good season before, and he was on the cusp of being in the fucking mix. But, whatever, it is what it is, and sometimes these things fucking happen. As Real as it Gets? They are so fucking out of the mix, it's not even fucking funny. For a team with that name, they sure weren't keeping it fucking real. One thing that fucking changed the game were the fucking live spreadsheets. Wonderfulspam did a good fucking job with the fucking stats last year. He's not just in the fucking mix, he's the fucking pot they're mixing shit in. JDH retired as commissioner to be with his fucking puppies. I didn't like it, but whatever, he deserves some fucking time off, he built this fucking game. If he ever wants to come back, he's in the fucking mix."
"Anton started posting his posters on the fucking front page. Hey Anton; That's fucking illegal. You're taking money out of my fucking pocket by making those illegal posters. You're literally ruining MMA, you're gonna run the UFC out of business. Fagan, Snowden, and Roth are all fucking gone. They are all way the fuck out of the fucking mix. If the mix was a fucking five course meal at a restaurant, then they'd all be the fucking piece of toilet paper you use to wipe ass after you finish wiping, but wipe anyways for good measure when you're in the fucking toilet at 2 in the fucking morning. Also Blue Mountain State was fucking awesome. Oh what's that? Spike TV? Nevermind, it fucking sucks."
"Now onto everybody fucking else. Everyone would be calling a fucking sexist pig if I don't start with the ladies, so they go first. KatGirl is in fucking love with Ryan Lochte. I mean FUCKING in love with Ryan Lochte. I was hanging out with Ryan one day, we were eating at a fucking patio of a restaurant, and in come this screaming chick. It was KatGirl. She was fucking screaming at the top of her lungs over how fucking sexy Ryan is. He is a fucking handsome man, I'll give him that. But back to the fucking patio, she was begging Ryan to sign her forearm with a fucking scalpel. Ryan was weirded out, so he didn't fucking do it. Well, KatGirl didn't fucking like it, so she threw the fucking scalpel at him, started crying, and ran the wrong fucking way down a one way street. She was fucking weird."
"Zachary Kater and Earl Montclair, man they are fucking legends. Gods, even. They've been in the fucking mix for so fucking long, it's not even fucking funny. I've never fucking seen anybody stay in the fucking mix for as long they have, except maybe fucking Randy Couture. These two are literally the fucking Wonder Twins, I tell you. One time I was being mugged in a fucking dark alley, and then these two fuckers show up. They bumped their fucking fists together and Zachary said, "Form of...the Lochness Monster". Then, Earl said, "Shape of...Jon Jones". And so I was in a fucking alley with a mugger, an eight-story tall crustacean from the Paleolithic Era and Jesus. This fucking mugger cried his balls, his balls literally fell off his pants leg, and he started praying to God that these two wouldn't hurt him. Jon Montclair said, "I will bless you, my son, by not beating the tar out of you." And they flew away, while the mugger was on the fucking floor, in the fucking fetal position, talking about repenting while the fucking cops show up. Figures, Jon Jones even needs eight-days of fucking notice to save me from a fucking mugger."
"Gspmademegay, man THAT guy, now THAT guy he's an oddball. I was walking in Montreal one day with Georges, and this guy comes out of nowhere with a bouquet of roses and a fucking love letter, and asked Georges if he would go out with him. Georges was fucking weirded out, but he was a fucking good sport and said 'I am sorree, but I em not a 'omosexual'. This guy drops the flowers, and says 'I have to admit something; I am not gay. I'm a woman.' He has a fucking zipper at the top of his head and unzips it. And do you know who it fucking was? Mollcutpurse, that's who it fucking was. Georges is still weirded out and says "I am not vuhry intehrestehd in a relationship right now." You know what she fucking does after this? She has another fucking zipper on her head and says 'I'm not really a woman though; I'm a horse.' She unzips it and what the fuck do you know? She was as fucking mare! Georges is starting get scared and says "I am sorree, but I already have a horse." You know what the horse says? 'But I'm not really a horse; I'm a broom.' Chandella unzips another fucking zipper, and a fucking broom reveals itself, and falls on the fucking floor. Gspmademegay is a weird guy."
"That's it for now, I'll see you fuckers later."
"Oh what's that? WHAT!? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!? WHO GAVE KRCAMPBELL A FUCKING BANHAMMER!? Do you think this is a fucking joke? He's the last guy you should give a banhammer. The guy's a fucking weirdo. He's a thread killer. Let me tell you a fucking story about Keith: One day he was waiting at a fucking bus stop, I saw him and asked him if he wanted a fucking ride. He said yes and we hop on to my fucking car. We buckle up and I drive over to his destination, because it was in the same fucking direction I was going in. About halfway through the fucking trip, we were talking, and he takes off his fucking pants and he starts to take a fucking shit IN MY FUCKING CAR! He grabs a handful of his fucking crap and smears it all over my fucking dashboard. He starts squirming around his seat to spread the fucking poop around and he buckles up like nothing fucking happened. I asked him 'What the fuck did you do that for!?' And he fucking looks at me and says 'I AM MARKING MY TERRITORY NEW FRIEND'. He tells me that he was fucking banned from every fucking public transportation system in the fucking USA. AND THIS IS YOUR NEW FUCKING MOD!? You fucking keyboard warriors are losing your fucking minds."
I think he likes us.