Dana White Issues Personal Press Release Re: UFC 151

This is a satirical post written by a Bloody Elbow community member and does not reflect the actual opinions of Dana White or the Bloody Elbow editorial staff.

So, I don't think i made myself clear enough earlier on the press conference and there are a few things I want to clarify.

First of all, I said that Greg Jackson is a sport killer. I take that back, i didn't mean it. He actually kills dreams. He kills hopes, and dreams and unicorns and he might even kill kittens. He has killed Jon Jones' career. He might even have killed Jon Jones' kitten. I know for a fact he killed Jon Jones' Kitten's career.

Secondly, I may have said that cancelling UFC 151 will cost us shitloads of money. I have revised my estimate, it will actually cost us fuckloads of money. Fucking boatloads of money. It will cost us a boat full of a fuckload of money sitting on top of a shitload of money.

I want to make it clear I don't dislike Jon Jones, I don't, he's a good kid. I just wish he would go fucking die in a fire. In a fire he attended at short notice to save Greg fucking Jacksons life.

Continued after the jump

Now, I know I don't always have nice things to say about Greg Jackson, but I think that I do have to take a moment to recognize that he is the best in the world at fucking me in the ass. He's also insane though. He said that taking the fight with Chael Sonnen would be the biggest mistake of Jon's life.

I'd say there are slightly bigger mistakes someone could make. Like drinking and driving your bentley into a fucking telephone pole. Or eating yellow snow.

Me and Lorenzo are rollin in a benzo. I mean, Me and Lorenzo are disgusted at Jon Jones. Not just Tito Ortiz naked pictures disgusted, but Tim Sylvia shitting himself in the middle of a fight disgusted.

Jon Jones didn't just fuck us, he fucked the fans who were coming to see this event, He PERSONALLY fucked Matt Roth out of seven hundred bucks. He fucked the other 20 guys fighting on this card, he fucked the orphans this card was going to save. He fucked Las Vegas out of millions of dollars of tourism, he even fucked some woman out of wedlock and got her pregnant. Jon Jones is a fucking machine.

Jon Jones is rich. He can afford to go crashing all of his bentley's into all the telephone poles, but what about the guys on the undercard who only have hondas? They're driving shitty honda's and they can't even afford to crash them into telephone poles.

Jon Jones stole that money from them. He literally went into their houses and took it while they were asleep, and Greg Jackson fucking helped him by being lookout. He went in and he stole it from their kid's piggybanks and then he shat on their carpets afterwards, because that's the kind of guy Jon Jones is.

Chael Sonnen offered to take this fight on 30 seconds notice. He literally told me that he would run cross country to the event and fight every guy on the card if it would save this event. I love Chael Sonnen, and i mean that in the all consuming passionate love way. If I could have Chael Sonnen's babies, I would. And Jon Jones would kill that baby, because that's what Jon Jones does.

Fuck Jon Jones. Fuck him up his stupid fucking ass.

- Dana White.

\The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Bloody Elbow readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Bloody Elbow editors or staff.

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