Let’s be honest here right off the bat, the PPV card on whole sucked wind. I had a hard time trying to give more than 2 corn nuts about anything that happened before the main event. It was like the misery of having to sit through one son’s chest tournament before you get to see your other son play his varsity game (you know, the one that wasn’t adopted). But let’s get it out of the way.
Mike Easton vs. Ivan Mengivar- “What an incredible display! He’s out there like a man on fire right now, I’ve never seen this level of intensity in one man’s performance!” But then Mike Easton finished making his entrance and the fight actually started. It was a pretty unmemorable way to start off the PPV. I honestly tuned out at one point but I guess what Mike Easton did looked better than what Mengivar did, so he won. It would’ve been great if Easton was able to spend less time beating us all over the head with his gimmick and focused that energy towards the actual fight. P.S. What an ass! (MikeEastonMadeMeBi-Curios?)
Cody Mckenzie vs. Chad Mendes- “Holy shit dude! Did you see that VICIOUS body shot that dropped Mckenzie? No? Well shit, me neither. Let me rewind it. I guess…I guess that was it. Yay?”
Chad Mendes may still have to show ID so he doesn’t end up sitting at the kids table at a wedding reception, but he still made short work of buli-Mick Foley in a rather predictable mismatch. So good for you lil’ Alpha Man! Mike Goldberg called it “textbook” which caused my totally casual buddy to ask “What the fuck does that even mean?” Last observation about this fight, I don’t know what it is with these unassuming white guys like Mckenzie or Jake Shields or even Sonnen where they hang out with the Diaz brothers for a little and slowly start adopting their mannerisms. It’s like I’m sorry Cody, but when you look like a redneck computer technician and have the muscle tone of a piece of celery I’m not really intimidated. But I don’t know, Cody’s from Alaska and who knows what the hell goes on up there. (They’re like our weird sibling that lives in the attic, every now and then we just slide them a couple of fish heads and keep it moving).
(Censored) Hyun-Kim vs. Damian Maia-It was an alright fight for what it was as short as it was, I guess? Although I’m hard pressed to think of another example of someone basically being TKO’d by top control. I don’t know, maybe once Maia got on top of him he had a flashback to Catholic school or something and couldn't go on (yes I realize he was actually injured, and of course I hope he's ok). Good for Maia getting another win after so long, now hopefully he’ll be getting another haircut.
Cung Le vs. Patrick (Doughboy) Cote- Oh yeah, that fight happened. Anyway…
Forrest Griffin vs. Tito Ortiz- First off Forrest Griffin looks like a chimp/human hybrid they’d reveal at the end of a Planet of the Apes movie as a major plot twist. No offense to the guy, but nature is as nature does. Now as for Tito, and this is coming from another large-craniumed individual, GOT DAMN does he have a massive dome! Honestly, it looks like his head is pregnant. All of his family photos must look like one of those big-head caricature drawings you can get done of yourself on a boardwalk. All that being said it was a decent back and forth brawl and both guys were able to have their moments. At the same time it was a good example of just why a “senior league” would be a terrible idea in the long run.
Now I don’t really fault Forrest for leaving the cage afterwards, he’s a weird emotional dude, and I realized that he intended interviewing Tito to be more endearing than insulting as it might have come off. At the same time, I did have to fast-foward because of how awkward the whole thing turned out. And not “entertaining” awkward like the British version of The Office, but more like “unwatchable” awkward like the American version of The Office (I’m kidding, I don't like either). Congrats to Tito on his incredible career and good luck to him in all of his future endeavors.
Chael Sonnen vs. Anderson Silva- Remember when everybody thought Chael Sonnen had a good chance of submitting Anderson? Yeah, I’d rather not either cause that was fucking stupid. I mean no offense to anyone, I’m not trying to call you personally stupid if you thought that (just your opinions). As hard as I was rooting for Silva (I hang from his testicles unashamedly) there was a rather odd set of circumstances that led to the fight being a tad anti-climactic. For starters the whole sensual oil massage Anderson tends to give himself before his fights for whatever inexplicable reason. Now I don’t think he’s doing this to cheat, otherwise he wouldn’t be doing it in the cage in full view of all the officials and cameras broadcasting to millions of people around the world (you’d think he’d at least turn his back like an 80s comic getting ready to do an impersonation). All that being said, it’s still kind of…weird? After Maia, Belfort, and now Sonnen you’d think he’d catch on that you don’t…you’re not s’possed to being doing that! He was wiped off, so whatever.
Now the shorts grabbing was pretty blatant on second viewing, but in all honesty I doubt it really played a serious factor in preventing the takedown against the cage. Yves only had to warn him twice so I don’t think they needed to stop the fight and deduct a point off of it (plus I’m totally biased, so fuck you). The shorts grabbing also didn’t come into play when Anderson masterfully stuffed Chael’s follow up single-leg attempt (single, double, triple with cheese…I don’t fucking know wrestling). It also didn’t help that there was so much confusion about his last knee strike being legal that it was hard to be excited about the end when you’re worrying if Anderson might be DQ’d. But Anderson is a master and knew what he was doing and made Chael look like a buffoon with that spinning back-shit he attempted before getting brutally finished. Anderson once again defends his title in a devastating fashion, sets a bunch of new records, puts away his biggest nemesis, and strengthens his legacy. He also won the lineal “Chael keep my name out your fucking mouth” championship at the end of the night. It was awesome, like that one scene from The Wire were that one really cool black guy did something to that other cool black guy, before the white people showed up and arrested them all (sorry for the spoilers). In the end it just didn't seem like the universe would ever allow a guy as corny as Sonnen is to actually hold a major world title, sorry.
Last few notes.
1. I think it really speaks to just how different the first fight could’ve played out without the particular set of circumstances surrounding it (Anderson being injured, Chael being so choked full of testosterone he could ejaculate full grown men). It was also interesting how eerily similar the whole thing played out compared to what happened when Anderson fought Henderson.
2. For all the talk of Sonnen’s hyping abilities it really seemed to me like Anderson was the one generating all the heat this time with his over the top threats and in your face demeanor. Btw, it’s still not technically his job to have to hype the fight with ridiculous sound bites either way so SHUT UP!!!!
3. It was actually nice for Sonnen fans/Anderson detractors that they have their little talking points that they can take home and use to wonder “what if” while they use their tears as lubricant for their self-pleasuring/pity. Chael found a way to lose huh? Well isn't it convenient that ALL of Anderson's opponents seem to have some mental lapse while fighting him? Between Belfort, Henderson, Maia, Okami, Sonnen twice (I'd say he's pretty lucky)
4. Btw, that whole jive Anderson was talking about being Brazilian and showing class at the end? Seagal taught him that.
5. That Brittney Palmer, oh I’d smash. I’d smash that so hard she’d be thoroughly satisfied with my sexual prowess and seek out my attention for sustained interactions between the two of us…in the butt!
So there you have it, feel free to post pictures of cats and dogs or whatever in the comments section if it makes you happy. Head over to UnintelligentDefense.blogspot.com (if you’re into visiting barren wastelands).