Here I am finally at a UFC Expo. This isn’t your average UFC Expo either; this is the UFC Mega Expo. Every single fighter to ever fight in the UFC is here…well I don’t see Frank Shamrock, but everybody else is here. It feels like Christmas morning just knocked up the last day of school. It is amazing. I take in the scene. It smells like BO, beer, and popcorn. The bejeweled Affliction shirts glimmer in the sun. It’s a strange mixture of testosterone, virginity, and obesity. Suddenly I notice something odd. An 18 wheeler is taking that corner way to fast. As it turns over I see the load dump onto the fans waiting in line to get into the expo.
"Is that…Is that bath salts that truck was carrying?" I ask the meathead next to me.
And then the chaos began. Thousands of douchbags have been turned into flesh eating zombies. I look behind me and all of the fighters are heading for one room. I dash that way and then see Dana White.
"Step back! Fighters only in this room." Screamed Dana. I interrupted,
"Well I hope you’re not going in there then. You’re one step below Tony Banks." I hear a chuckle from Josh Barnett.
"What the fuck is a keyboard warrior going to do to help out?"
"Well I’m a pothead. Between my love for survival shows and my daydreaming between Workaholics commercials about a zombie apocalypse’s I think I’m more equipped than you."
-- "Fight to death!"
"There’s no time for that Wandy! The zombies are closing in!"
--"Pick teams!" screams Barnett…and it was decided.
As I glance across the room I start to analyze the fighter’s abilities in this setting.
Then Dana spurts out, "With the first pick of the Zombie Draft, the UFC picks Dan Hardy because he likes to bang."
As I sit there stunned, I notice something. Chris Leban is gone. I turn around and see him walking with the Zombies. His natural instincts have kicked in. It’s too late for Chris, but the others I can help.
Paulo Thiago: An obvious pick up because of his background in the Special Forces.
Wanderlei Silva: Normally a good pick-up, but his fighting style is up-close and personal. The last thing you want is a Zombie Wanderlei.
Chael Sonnen: Sorry Chael, but there’s no room for leg humping and fast talking in a zombie apocalypse.
Josh Koscheck: His eye poking tactics could be useful here, but he is annoying so Josh is out.
John Fitch: Again, lay and prayers have no room on my team, but Fitch is tempting because of his talent of putting people to sleep that he’s not fighting.
Lyoto Machida: Machida would be a great pick. He fights from the outside and is resourceful because of his tendencies to rehydrate himself with his own fluids.
Brock Lesnar: Although anyone who can hip fire a 50 cal. Is usually a first round pick I am hesitant of Brock because of his spontaneous dancing.
Anderson Silva: Another easy choice. Fights from the outside, he’s deadly accurate, and knows how to mesmerize the zombies by doing the "Thriller" dance.
Matt Hughes: A definite on the team. Although Matt is a prick, he likes to shoot shit and quite frankly…A country boy can survive.
So who would be your starting 5 in the Zombie Apocalypse? Be quick because the bath salts are kicking in!