What's up, bitches. JDH called in sick, unable to publicly face the shame he must feel for his captain's epic failures. But we'll get to that below. First off, what a fucking event. 3 fighters (Johnson, Delorme, and Gaudinot) won their fights despite 10% of less of our BECW camp choosing them. Others were forsaken by their limb-breaking hero Palhares, one team named after him is now possibly cursed, as well. Vemola showed you only need 1/8 of a tank of gas to beat Mike "Shitty" Massenzio. And the fucking hot bout made 72% of us look like absolute morons as Nate Diaz completely wiped the floor with Jim Miller. Without further adieu, even though an unnamed party pooper had to ruin the suspense already, here was the Event 1 schedule followed by Event Results.

Most of these were solid wins, aside from a heartbreaking 3-point defeat issued to Horselover's team, delivered mercilessly from everyone's favorite all-caps guy krcampbell and Randy Couture's Dirty Boxers. I'm sure Rampage's School of Cuckoldry wasn't hoping to start their season off in the loss column, but hey, it could be worse, they could have put up a team score like As Real As It Gets did, having the lowest score of any of the teams. On the other side of the spectrum, PFP's Beta Males had the best team effort of the 12 groups, as you can see below. The 'We Toquinho' team led by gspmademegay is now plagued with starting with an L as well, despite having the first overall draft pick. If they suffer from the same curse as Brock Lesnar's Cruelty-Free Pest Control did in season 2, it will be a long, dismal road ahead for them. Gspmademegay does have one thing going for him though, he's not kreally. Oh, and my team that's led by wonderfulspam, Wario Yamasaki's Stand-Up Guys, got an easy win, but that's hardly news, now is it?

It's interesting to point out that the 6 highest scoring teams all won their corresponding match-ups, so we don't have to hear people whine about that yet. Now on to the individual scores, in case people haven't already checked that out for themselves.

MJB! managed 1st place in the camp, with only a point more than thuggis. Also interesting that Matt Bishop snagged 3rd, despite how terrible some other staffers did. Deo looks to be way better at finding appropriate gifs than picks for upcoming fights, but hey, a lot of us did subpar. None more-so than Brent Ducharme, who gets to enjoy last place for at least the next 9 days.

I'd do some shit like a captain's table but it's only the first event so there's really not much of a point. I'll just leave you all with the event schedule for the UFC on Fuel TV: Korean Zombie vs. Poirier show that we'll be watching on May 15th, that way you know who to focus all your hatred on until then.