I took this thought and ran with it this morning during some down-time at work - I've only done 3 but there are so many more options whizzing around in my head. So for now - here are the 3 of the movies I feel could have been improved with the simple inclusion of MMA fighters.
Fighting (2009), starring Channing Tatum, Terrance Howard and Junior Dos Santos
Scene: In this version of 'Fighting' – at the very start of the movie Channing Tatum is on the sidewalk selling books, or videos or some shit. Channing is being predictably wooden and is outclassed completely by Terrance Howard whose acting is brilliant – yet still his skill only barely masks the realisation that he is performing a scene with some kind of failed Abercrombie model and/or a robot designed to show what it would be like to be born without emotions or the ability to express things.
Suddenly, BAM, WHAMMY, POW!! Junior Dos Santos enters from the right of screen landing a 7 punch combo finishing with a devastating uppercut which sends Channing Tatums now lifeless body flying over the road and into a dumpster which comically then slams shut.
Terrance Howard smiles wryly at Junior, puts his arm over his shoulder and says "Come with me my boy, you’ve got a bright future ahead of you" as they walk off into the sunset.
As you leave the cinema half of your ticket price is returned to you and you are given the chance to throw assorted fruits and vegetables at posters of Channing Tatum.
Sex in the City (2008), starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Chris Cyborg Santos
Scene: It’s 2008, and in New York a wild horse has run rampant through the City - terrorising both shoe stores and the groins of many an unsuspecting man. The horse has recruited a gang of 3 misguided harpees who have taken to the liberation of woman-kind in the most ironic fashion – by being complete whores. With their motto of "Any Ham-Javelin will do" and catch-cry of "We demand a typhoon of penises!!" they aid the horses rise to power in the underworld.
The mayor is under siege from the general public, there is seemingly nothing he can do – until he remembers a sadistic criminal he locked up 5 years prior.
Chris Cyborg plays "Cyborg" a sadistic murderer with an irrational hatred of horses – she was originally sent to jail by the city for a string of horse murders so severe, that Jockeys were forced to ride upon Donkeys for a brief period due to a horse-shortage.
With no-one left to turn to – the Mayor releases Cyborg on one condition: Kill the shit out of this annoying fucking horse.
Cyborg skips the usual montage that would follow and gets straight to the killing – she easily dispatches of the harpees by putting a poster up near their favourite trendy coffee shop which reads "All the penises you can eat – Brooklyn Convention Center NO HORSES ALLOWED" – then tracks down the evil horse of New York by following it’s awkwardly laid out trail of high-hoof marks.
The final scene takes place atop a sky scraper, Cyborg fly kicks the horse in its bent nose and sends it flying down and onto the sidewalk to its death, the applause from the crowd of citizens below is deafening and Cyborg is made Chief Deputy of the newly formed "Horses Suck" department of the police force.
Titanic (2008), starring Leonardo Di Caprio, Kate Winslet and Mark Hunt
Scene: It is the maiden voyage of the Titanic, the movie goes along as normal until a brash young Iceberg scientist from Samoa named "Professor Huntoo Moriarty" (played by Mark Hunt) confronts the captain of the boat with the brash statement "Oi you Dogslart, there’s fucking mutinous icebergs all over the place just waiting to teabag the shit out of this massive metal canoe".
The captain, assuming one of the coal-fire engine workers retarded uncles has escaped from below deck ignores the warning of the affable professor Moriarty – which sends the Iceberg scientist into a wave of "not giving a fuck" binge drinking.
Leonardo Di Caprios character, Jack, notices the brazen attitude of Professor Huntoo – and starts to lose interest in the woman he had been courting. Where Kate Winslets character had a body like a sack of various sized pumpkins – the young professor Huntoo’s is like a large svelte boulder – appealing yet rugged, and Jack finds himself questioning his own sexuality.
Due to the utter savagery of Professor Huntoo’s inebriation – Jack is able to take advantage of him which ends up seeing the two embroiled in high-seas romance, of sorts:
Professor Hunt - Completely fucking hammered
A Blossoming Romance
Unfortunately the movie is never completed, as the only way to get Mark Hunt to actually film the scenes pictured above was to get him completely shitface-drunk – and when he saw pieces of the film on the editing floor he broke out into a violent rage, at one point pinning Leonardo Di-Caprio down and tea-bagging him relentlessly till his energy reserves were depleted and he fell asleep.
Whenever this is brought up in interviews with Di-Caprio – he breaks down emotionally and talks about how the event scarred him, physically and emotionally for life.
Leonardo Di Caprio responding to questions about "The Mark Hunt Incident".
Thanks for your time, hope you enjoyed.
Which of these other MMA fighter inclusions would you like to see?
Calib Starnes in "White Man Can't Jump, but can apparently Run" (38 votes)
Brendan Schaub in "Unbreakable" (49 votes)
Chael Sonnen in "Wag the Dog" (13 votes)
Rashad Evans in "Cuba Gooding Jnr's Life Story" (not yet released) (21 votes)
Alistair Overeem in "Dodgeball" (82 votes)
203 total votes