-gif via Zombie Prophet at IronForgesIron.com

Well this was certainly a mixed-bag of fights for a card. Alex Soto decided to pay tribute to the great Kalib Starnes in his contest, and unfortunately Rivera didn't have the AMAZING power of Michael McDonald to finish the fight anyways. Curran gave us the second-best example of the night of fighters not knowing what that mystical thing called a gameplan is. Dos Anjos ran threw Shalorus, but the guy is like 70 years old I think, so it was more sad than awesome. Grant and Prater gave us a very entertaining fight. Nothing bad to say about that, awesome grapple-fest. Marcus LeVesseur... I literally just sighed when I got to his name on the fight results. You had one thing to train for. One thing. And what do you do? You not only leave yourself to be choked out by a guy who speaks less fluently than the "I Can Count To Potato" girl, you literally seemed to embrace his armpit with that terrible mental lapse. Because of you, Cody will live on to attempt his one trick again on THE HIGHEST STAGE OF MMA, but at least we probably won't have to bare witness (Don't you fucking dare make a reference to that shit song, I know what you're thinking) to that terrible of fight I.Q. again, at least not unless Jorge Gurgel has another fight booked. Tavares snuck past Unfunny Weiner Joke First Name guy despite having some troubles with his eye through the majority of the fight. Jason McDonald showed off his white-belt in absorbing punches to the face. A really weird fight that many people thought the judges failed on happened with Pokrajac/Maldonado. Igor got the nod, but whoever gave him a 30-27 should be held prisoner and forced to eat punches to the abdomen for the next week at least. Jabouin threw a bunch of spinning shit like a dick and won the decision against Jeff Hougland. Despite Stephens "phenomenal striking" as Kenny put it, Cerrone easily outclassed him en route to a decision. Amir... won? I guess? I actually was too bored to even watch that fight, but it seemed people were pretty pissed about that one.

But!!! Thankfully, the main event exceeded all of our expectations. Poirier was a game opponent, but it was Chan Jung Sung's night. In a thrilling fight, the Korean Zombie dominated the fight everywhere it went, and finished it with a D'arce in the 4th round. To top it off, he called out Jose Aldo. Let me know right now if you're against that fight, so I can tell Cerrone to personally come kick you in the fucking nuts. Special shout-out goes out to Cory Braiterman, who loves our fantasy game. He's quoted as saying "This is absolutely the best thing that's ever happened to BE's live comment section." Make sure to ask him how many points he scored in the event, next time you see him discussing something on the site. Also, does anyone else think PG is constantly regressing as a site? I waited 4 hours for them to update scores last night before giving up, and now I'm attempting to write this on about 5 hours of sleep.

How about we just go straight into the match-ups for the impatient types who really just want to know whether they won? (Also, if you can't read the following information, open the image in a new tab and use Ctrl+ and Ctrl- to zoom in and out, and it should be much easier for you)

First up, the Helio Division...

We Toquinho turned it around this week earning a win, while Patak's Chili Peppers (The team that beat We Toquinho last week) kept their foot on the gas and improved to 2-0 for the season. That leaves Randy Couture's Dirty Boxers as the winless team in the division. Now the Kimura Division...

Wario's Stand-Up Guys fell to Team Precise Precision in the closest match-up of the event, so expect kreally to crawl out of the hole he's been hiding in for the last week. Both teams are now 1-1 for the season. Night of the Living Death improves as the 2-0 team for the division, while As Real As It Gets remains winless and really needs to turn it around before it's too late. Finally, the Gotch Division...

Only one team managed to break 600 in this division as the Beta Males trounced Off Constantly (Ruined your joke, huh?) by over 100 points, improving to 2-0. The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Cecil Peoples sucked a little less than Jon Jones' PR Agency, so it looks like JJPRA gets to be the winless team in this division.

Next, the Xmas tree tables, but for some reason (I'm not the spreadsheet guru, so ask spam) everyone gets pretty green boxes for their season total thus far. Disregard that. However, you can see if you were above or below average for the first 2 events with them.

Individual scores for the event...

Can we all just take a moment to laugh at krcampbell? It's almost impressive that someone can score that low on an event, Subo-esque, if you will. Congrats to jafotinatos, nickagisawesome, and swiftman who took the top 3 spots for the event in our camp. Jafotinatos was #58 on all of Playground. Now the individual season standings...

The aforementioned top 3 of this event all find themselves in the Top 10 of the season standings, with nickagisawesome sitting at the top of the mountain right now. It's a long season though, and anything can happen. Also, LOL OBP.

I think that's everything I need, let me know if I forgot something. Otherwise, I'm going to go slip into a slight coma for the next 20 hours at least if I'm lucky. There's no point in division standings; each team has an undefeated team, a winless one, and two who are split at one win and loss a piece. If you can't figure it out, maybe you should put down the coloring book and think a little harder.

EDIT: Thanks to wonderfulspam, here's the current division standings and playoff picture...