So, one event down in the BECW – a lot of suckage going on and I’m ringing the bell of picking delinquency like the apprentice hunched back of Notre Dame would the town bell – enthusiastically but also very retardedly.
Noticing that the large hairy testicles of fate may well slam me in my face-hole for the rest of the season, based on the almost complete ambiguity of the upcoming card in terms of well-known fighters or easy-to-make picks – I decided that it’s about time I go to my real strengths.
That’s right, I’m talking about my passion for the arts, my ability to wear berets like a motherfucker - my much fabled Machado blue belt in MS Paint.
I proposed a team shirt for ‘Team Precise Precision’ in a thread a while back, but I thought it was the height of rudeness for me not to extend the same thoughtful gesture to other teams.
Being a man at the absolute height of measurable tact and decorum during life, competition and the aforementioned arts – I’ve taken the liberty of creating a few more Official BECW Team T-shirts.
I'll consider doing a few more of them should there be a market out there for such brilliant pieces of MMA-picking related attire.
So lets get started here.
Made from a greasy polycarbonate material developed at factory for a small business owned by Nate Marquardt, the ‘We Toquinho’ shirt speaks to the spirit of the team and its members.
Even in defeat they are a bastion of hope for the misguided – and this shirt displays the emotion and heart we can come to expect from them throughout the season.
Best worn halfway through an event whilst holding a slight lead in the BECW, as you jump up onto your backyard fence - celebrating victory before the actual event has finished and you’ve won. (or, lost)
Team Precise Precision came into the BECW with a lot of heat, but after a miserable first outing they’re now in a rebuilding phase. Some of the members have apparently gone on a group sojourn into the woods with a James Blunt lyric sheet, acoustic guitar and the entire set of Twilight books in an attempt to "Bond" and "Truly find themselves".
This shirt emits the brash attitude that they will likely display on their return throughout the competition. Emboldened by their eventual, expected rise to form and semi-prominence – it’s also a shirt that says "Even if we suck, at least we are not as sucky as you guys, who suck more!" or "You are the ones who are the ball suckers.. that’s right.. isn’t it?"
Finally, a team made up of "Real people" – not like all these the other teams made up of frigging androids, cyborgs and Europeans. "As Real as it Gets" are a testament to the statement "If a man hasn’t placed thick slices of ham into his underpants and walked around his neighbourhood, then that’s not a man at all, is it Margaret??".
Originally the title for the sequel to the movie "As Good as it gets" which intended to one-up the original by having Bette Midler pose naked for three gay Irishmen in a tool shed – Tim Burke decided to use the title for similar, yet ultimately more passionate reasons.
Forged in the fires of having real SB Nation usernames, these people wear their identities on their sleeves – and what sleeves they have, if you’re talking about the official As Real as it Gets team shirt that is!
‘Night of the living death’ are a formidable if not overly androgynous bunch – to tangle with them is to tangle with ones own insecurities – they’ll leave you confused, often bewildered and occasionally strangely aroused.
Their tactics are simple, drag the opposing team into deep water – then howl like a wolf at the full moon until the other team members start to think "How the fuck did I get so far out into the ocean and holy balls this wolf is a really good swimmer!".
This is when they’ll most likely strike.
With sometimes questionable control over an ego quite similar to that of their founding father, Ken Shamrock – they are prone both to violent nonsensical outbursts and wearing tight bright red underpants whilst commenting on BE – their reasoning being "It makes our comments appear sportier, faster.. but also when I need to do number 2’s it’s so much less effort".
A team led by one of Great Britain’s most famous "Being British Deniers" – Pataks Chilli Pickles are stoutly English in their love of two things – Pickles, and Majestic Horses. When team captain T.C Engel was consulted about the design of the shirt, he stated boldly, in a thick and old timey British Accent: "The shirt, whilst having an acceptable amount of pickle – is distinctly lacking in the imagery of either a single majestic horse or thrice of them".
Once the revision had been made, with the addition of the horse - the team members feedback ranged from "Oh my word, that is the most majestic steed I’ve seen since I logged off of horselovers.com about 12 minutes ago" to "Now look here good sir, I’ve seen some horses in my day but none have the sparkle in the eye that this one hold.. such an equine delight, ooh the dalliances we could have through the ports of Greece.. or anywhere Mediterranean really.."
Although it was Tim Bernier who gallantly summed up the teams collective reaction the best when he stated, almost without any expression "Yeah, sure – it’s pretty good – but could the pickle be bigger? Seriously.. I’m talking several times bigger."
So that's all I've done so far - my full time job is the only place I have access to a computer so I am unfortunately able to do more at this point in time, but I am keen to hear feedback you may have.
Which shirt is the best?
We Toquinho (9 votes)
Precise Precision (2 votes)
As Real as it Gets (3 votes)
Night of the Living Death (24 votes)
Pataks Chilli Pickles (21 votes)
59 total votes