Hi, I’m Troy McHobbie! You might remember me from such classic blog posts as "Flesh or Meringue? The Midsection of Tim Sylvia", "Magic Mohawk: The Dan Hardy Story" and "The Canadian Healthcare System and Diverticulitis: Tag Team of Evil".
Say there sport, you look like you’ve got something on your mind.
*Cut to our typical MMA fan – a cute, innocent little tyke wearing suspenders, an Affliction shirt (with plenty of cool skulls and dragons and whatnot), and a red TapouT cap.*
I’m a fan of ultimate fighting Mr. McHobbie, but whenever I come online in the last few days, all anyone can talk about is pro-wrestling! I don’t understand what’s going on!
Well first off, it’s called MMA, or "Mixed Martial Arts". We only call it "ultimate fighting" when we’re showing off our skills to drunk chicks in the bar! You trane UFC, don’t you kiddo?
I bet you do. Anyhow, the reason there’s been so much talk of W-W-E on your favorite M-M-A websites is because there hasn’t been any MMA to report on! Oh sure, lots of regional fights went down on the weekend, but regional MMA is like pimples on your butt cheek – you know something’s going on, but you just can’t bring yourself to care. After all, does it really matter what happens to Sean McCorkle?
I didn’t think so. Right now, imagine MMA news as being a giant, empty void, devoid of anything and everything of interest – like deep space, the heavyweight division until recently, and the whole sport of boxing! But meanwhile, in wrestling, something called "Wrestlemania" happened this past weekend.
Wrestle…mania…that’s a silly name, Mr. McHobbie.
It sure is! Not like those cool UFC event names like "Battle on the Bayou" or "There Can Be Only One…CHAMPION!". Get it? Because it’s like "Highlander" but instead of immortal Scottish dudes cutting each other’s heads off, it’s an MMA event!
That’s stupid too.
Shut it you. So not only was it "Wrestlemania" this weekend, but guess what? Brock Lesnar, "The Baddest Man on the Planet" made his return to the WWE on Monday! This combination of factors – including a former UFC champion trading in his board shorts and hand wraps for a speedo and baby oil – means wrestling news has pushed into MMA. And MMA fans, big tender teddy bears that we are, are getting the kind of angry we usually reserve for moments when Jon Jones has the unmitigated gall to actually act proud of his accomplishments.
See, combat sports are a zero sum game: you can’t be a fan of more than one. Once you’ve declared yourself an "MMA fan" or a "WWE fan", a team of surgeons break into your house at night and secretly implant you with a mind control chip. From this moment on, you’ll never watch another second of your old favorite sport, or spend a shinny penny on their merch or PPV offerings! Every fan one sport gains, the other loses – FOREVER! DUN DUN DUN!
Do I have a chip in my head?
You sure do! That’s why you complain every time someone writes about boxing on an MMA site, or compares Chael Sonnen’s shtick to pro wrestling. It’s also why boxing is totally dying!
If Boxing is dying, why do people keep buying their PPV’s?
Well, when I said "dying", I meant a slow, boring death, like getting gutshot with a .22. It’s a slow process, and it could take decades for the sport to "bleed out" entirely. Every so often we’ll give the body a poke to see if it twitches, but come on – we’re talking about a sport where Kimbo Slice is a headlining act!
But didn’t Kimbo used to main event in MMA…
Back to MMA vs. Wrestling! See, this explosion of interest in wrestling makes MMA fans react in two ways.
The first is abject, utter fear. If there’s one thing every die-hard MMA fan is sure of, it’s that this sport we love is forever teetering on the brink of total failure. What if MMA fans switch over to pro wrestling! Ratings will go down! If ratings go down, the Fox deal will collapse. If the Fox deal collapses, PPV buyrates will collapse with it. And just like that, MMA is back to being held in bingo halls while Vince McMahon, Brock Lesnar, and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin toast beers over the sport’s grave! BE AFRAID! BE VERY AFRAID!
Say it isn’t so, Mr. McHobbie!
It’s ok to cry, squirt. Crying makes you more of a man. Just ask Forrest Griffin. But once you’re done cutting weight from your tear ducts, it’s time for reaction number two: indignant rage.
There’s a large segment of MMA fans who don’t just ignore WWE – they hate it with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns! Brock Lesnar jumps over from WWE – hate his a**, even if he brings an unprecedented amount of eyes to the sport. Chael Sonnen directly quotes a pro wrestler on network television – that’s just showmanship, and has nothing to do with wrestling. And heaven forbid you’re one of the fans who followed Lesnar to MMA, because the "pureblood" fans who got into TUF back in 2005 when it followed "Monday Night RAW" on Spike TV will soooooo look down on you.
I don’t want that!
No, you certainly don’t. So remember folks: even with Jon Jones vs. Rashad Evans, JDS vs. Alistair Overeem, Anderson Silva vs. Chael Sonnen 2, a new season of "The Ultimate Fighter" building to Urijah Faber vs. Dominick Cruz 2, the return of GSP, and the continuing rise of Ronda Rousey all set to play out in the coming months – the sport of MMA is doomed because Brock Lesnar and John Cena are going to pretend to fight each other in their underwear on basic cable!
YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!
Elton Hobson is a writer, blogger, and semi-professional schmuck. He's an "OG" MMA fan who got into the sport way back at UFC 1 - just like every MMA fan on the internet! He also used to watch pro wrestling but now wonders why he ever ordered PPV's on a Sunday night. He's also (like all MMA fans) a very sensitive guy, and he hopes he didn't piss anyone off too badly with this post.