With UFC on Fox 3 just around the corner, I decided to open up my mmplayground account and start to look at my picks.. and after scanning through the fight card I quickly came to the sudden realisation that there were only two to three fights I was even slightly confident in picking, along with a dash of "Who the fuck is 'Tmi Elliot'".. thrown in.
With the exception of the Dodson/Elliot, Denis/Delorme & Ferguson/Johnson fights.. I was very troubled by what I saw. And even the Denis/Delorme fight wasn't that much of a lock for me, as I didn't know enough about Delorme to say he could beat the man I've affectionately come to know as "The Elbowed Molester" (despite this possibly causing confusion as to whether he is actually just some guy who is a known molester and was elbowed by someone else, possibly batman, or Batmans cousin - the Molesterer Elbower) after his recent killing of Joseph Sandoval..
But I also don't know enough to say Delorme couldn't get past the elbows of miniature doom and impart his own skillset in a manner which might cause me to give him an equally perplexing nickname.
The Molesterer Elbower - Artists rendition
With the BECW looming, my relentless pestering & badgering of everyone whom I could tell might be in some position to let me in, or cheerlead from the sidelines - coupled itself with the stress of needing to be a decent picker.
I feel it has already begun to pervade my days.. my being.. my, existence.
Today for instance, instead of going and having a nice cold beer in the sun for lunch (as is part of my regular work day) I wept quietly to myself under my desk and ate a tub of coleslaw I found in the kitchen whilst lamenting the foibles of my swiss-cheese like MMA knowledge bank.
Lunch of.. failures??
I decided I needed to channel my inner Luke Thomas, I've been growing a beard recently because my girlfriend seems to enjoy me more with stubble (despite the fact the best I can manage right now is probably only as good as Nick Noltes arm/chotus hair) - and do a little research, take a little time, go get some more fucking coleslaw.
A typical 'Luke Thomas' moment. (again, assumption)
I scoured Wiki, read through fighter records and my findings were this: I don't understand what the fuck I am doing with this card.
Let me break it down in a more granular way, fight by fight.
I think Miller uses position/top control & takes it by UD, but Nate will potentially have the edge standing - I don't see Nate ko'ing the notoriously tough Miller and hence I've gone Miller by UD.. but I can't shake the feeling that I got before the Cerrone fight.
I WANTED to pick Nate, I didn't pick Nate, then Nate just made a fool of me - like somebody using a hanglider to fly down over me whilst I walk to my local french bakery, then farting magestically onto my face and mainly in my mouth, somehow also with their pants down - before flying away, laughing maniacally..
I mean it was bad enough already, with me on my way to the least manliest of bakeries, to buy the most phallic of breads (the baguette).
"You picked a good day to go hang-gliding, Mon Frere.."
Pat Barry vs Lavar Huge Penis Johnson
I'm always torn when a fighter I like is fighting - and I like Pat Barry, a lot. Not in that "I want to smear hommus all over your baguette" kind of way, but the dude has an awesome personality. Despite losing the Cro-cop fight, he gained me as a life long fan for his performance as a human being.
The thing is, Lavar is a scary looking dude.
He made Joey Beltran, a guy who's previous job I assume was to punch and headbutt crushed cars into serviceable garbage trucks - before he started his other job as stunt guy who exclusively dove headfirst down stairs and headbutted the largest of Rhinoceri' (the assumed plural of Rhinocerous) - he made that guy lose consciousness (practically).
So I worry for Pat, but I'm hoping his experience against Kongo and recent ko of Christian "I too could be in a horror movie" Morecraft gives him the composure to get him a Round 2 Tko/KO - which I have picked. Rather worriedly.
Everything was fine until Anthony Johnson decided to place the young woman directly into his stomach.
Okay so this one wasn't as difficult as some of the others, I've been pretty unimpressed by Massenzio and think Vemola takes this. I've picked Vemola by UD though - because I have no idea how his gas tank is if he tries to kill Mike early and gasses somewhat. I don't think he's a real submission guy either.
I did enjoy his volleyball serving practice display using Seth Petruzelli as the ball though, that was fun for the fans.
Very excited about Linekers debut, I picked him to win by UD as well - but again I worry though.. as what if Lineker doesn't deal well with the "Bright Lights" of the big show - what if he has a light-sensitivity problem and needs to wear some tinted Kareem Abdul Jabbar style sports goggles which are prohibitive in some other way, or threaten his fashion-ego..? One things for sure, I don't like Gaudinots hair - it is an affront to my dislike of the colour 'vivid green'.
John Hathaway has a really good record, but I will never forget the way he performed against Mike Pyle.. he kicked ass against Diego Sanchez but against Pyle he looked so stiff, so.. robotic.. Still, I've picked him here as getting a round 2 tko - Pascal is still pretty fresh and I think this might be a bit too much of a step-up. Unless Mr Roboto shows up in which case who freaking knows..
Actually who knows anyway, maybe Pascall 540 flying gogoplatas Hathaway instead of touching gloves. Real sportsman-like Pascal, Real sportman-like..
See, this is what I'm getting at. On paper, I think Castillo has the better pedigree - in record and opponents. He's pretty much only lost to guys who are very well known as being great fighters.. but, John Cholish is a young guy with more size who has some great submission wins under his belt - including an awesome Knee-bar in Strikeforce and an inverted triangle win. I've gone Castillo by UD.. but I wonder if Cholish might take a dump in my cheerios.
Josh Koschek vs Johny Hendricks
The thing about Josh Koschek is, I don't like his face or personality or hair of physical being very much. The other thing is that the guy somehow finds ways to win, when he's not fighting the champ or auditioning for a role as a member of a Brazillian favela gang to an audience of Paulo Thiagos fist-bones.
Hendricks is best known for showing John Fitch just how it's felt to watch the majority of his fights - albeit in a more violent way, by putting him to sleep with the ole' Ike Turner love-kiss to the smoocher.
Both have great wrestling on paper - and because of this I have picked Hendricks by eventual KO in round 2 - as I think Koschek will do enough to ensure he doesn't get Fitched.. being a team-mate and all and wanting "revenge".. but I really worry that Koschek is going to rain on the Johny Hendricks parade. All over the fucking parade man.
I'm not picking Kos, no way, but one thing I've learned over the years is that guys with huge beards could maybe be hiding something in them. I'd hide toothpicks in mine if it were so illustrious and full..
Sidenote: It would be cool if the winner got the other guys signature hair - i.e; If Kos wins he gets the beard of doom and glory, and if Hendricks wins, well...
Fuck yeah Hendricks, rockin' a sweet head-merkin!!! Wooooo!!!
Honestly, here you've got a guy who harbors more legs in his house than a mannequin factory, against a guy who is so sadistic he forever memorialised Rosie O'donnell in tattoo form on his arm. Belcher is the bigger man in height and reach (I think..??) but Palhares is built in a way which makes me consider suicide via a cottage cheese overdose due to a feeling of such inadequacy that it would cause me to consider buying a shit-load of various cottage cheeses and then eat said cheeses till I died.
Sure, I may have some other issues bubbling away barely beneath the surface - but I find this fight hard to pick. Alan Belcher is no joke, he's not going to go out there and dangle his fucking leg seductively in the breeze like a salami for a rabid chimpanzee with a leg & salami fetish - he's going to try and fuck Palhares up, methodically, for 3 rounds.
I've gone Belcher by UD. But obviously, am I worried for his legs? Fuck yes. I am very worried for those sweet salamis.
Denis Bermudez vs Pablo Garza
I'm a man who has always said "When lifes got you down, just flying triangle the shit out of somebody - sport" and despite no-one ever taking my advice first hand, it seems Pablo Garza shares a similar philosophy. I've picked Garza by round 2 submission, because I want to believe. He's got the range to get a decision by picking Bermudez apart standing, but my inner Mulder is a believer that he will get a submission here.
Are you starting to see why I'm worried about this event?
For almost every fight - I can think of logical reasons to pick the other guy. I can even see the glaring lack of any logic in some of my own picks..
I blame my potential induction into the BECW for making me this way, but I think once I get a few events under my belt - maybe the pain will become tolerable.. maybe it will become like those really tight pair of underpants that after a while cause you to just go numb down there.. maybe the pain will become addicting.
Am I the only one struggling to find confidence in my picks for this event?