Jon Jones: An Apology

I don't write post-event recaps. Today is no different. I'm here to apologize on behalf of Jon Jones for his disgraceful actions last night. They were out-of-order, unpopular with the fans, and he should really be ashamed of what he did over the span of 25 minutes against Rashad Evans. Jones is too busy getting fans, so I will apologize not just for his fight, but the last 13 months or so. I'm addressing this to the MMA fans who hate Jon Jones for whatever reason.

I'm sorry Jon Jones was too boring for you in his comfortable win over Rashad Evans. I'm sorry that he put a dent in the side Rashad's forehead that resembled a 1997 Nissan Altima being on the wrong-end of a head-on collision with a Ford Excursion. It was a 5-round decision so lopsided that anti-Jones fans out of spite gave a maximum of two rounds to Rashad on the basis of a head kick in the 1st and a right hand in the 3rd. Two judges gave Rashad one round as ammunition for anti-Jones brigades to say "HEY! Rashad took a round off of him, maybe Phil Davis can take 3!". I'm absolutely certain that the entertainment value of the fight would've improved tenfold if Jon Jones simply lost the fight. And not just any loss, a loss where he looks like he just started fighting last week and Rashad would have his way with him. Evans would have landed a right hook from hell and Jones would've dropped like a bag of sand, all whilst looking limper than your penis at the sight of an orgy in Central Park consisting of nothing but hobos and senior citizens who look like Estelle Getty. Jones didn't oblige, and I am truly sorry.

There was no correct outcome for Jones that involved him winning. The decision win was blasphemous, a quick first round stoppage would've been an anti-climactic end to a heated feud, and any form of a brutal KO or submission would undoubtedly raise questions about how evil Jon Jones is that he would willingly put his former bestest friend in the world to sleep.

I'm sorry Jones doesn't have the suspect chin that you've completely made up on the basis that Lyoto Machida kinda caught him off-balance that one time. Not once did Jones look wobbly last night, or in any of his previous fights in his career. How dare he have super-human athletic ability combined with Herculean strength AND the chin of a not Brendan Schaub? That's a crime against nature and I simply don't condone it and neither should you.

I'm sorry that Jon Jones' striking isn't really great but he has outstruck every fighter he's faced. His use of standing elbows, jumping shoulder strikes (which Clay Guida probably taught him), push kicks to the knee, leg kicks, body kicks, head kicks, side kicks, and Kix, is simply a gross "urbanization" of MMA and has no place in this sport.

But most of all, I'm sorry that Jon Jones has soundly defeated all of your heroes with minimal effort, one of the primary sources of your anger and animosity, and will do so again when he puts Dan Henderson on his back, elbows his face into a disfigured mess, and then when Jones realizes Henderson can't be knocked out, he will advance position and choke Henderson worse than David Carradine's self-submission in that Thailand hotel. Shogun, Machida, Rampage, and soon Henderson, all of your idols, all falling to this cocky, overrated, smug 24-year-old with the weak chin and suspect gas tank. I pity you because it must feel difficult to watch someone who first competed in MMA back when George Bush was headed out of office become the best in his weight class faster, better, and more quickly than any current UFC champion not named Anderson Silva must be a complete pain to see. I mean, he's not even done developing physically and skillwise! Isn't that just a bitch?

These past 13 months have been hell for the common Jon Jones hater. He's 0-4 in the trash-talking mental mumbo-jumbo of each fight preview (but he was always destined to be 0-4 in this regard), so he combats that by beating the tar out of anyone he faces. 16 rounds down, 2 submissions, 1 TKO, and a comfortable decision win later, the level of disapproval of Jones as a person and fighter has reached its zenith.

I'm sorry Jon Jones is too good for your mere mortal eyes, and your denial and refusal to accept him as the badass of 205 by reason of "He's fake! He's cocky! He's pretentious! He's a douche!" and other irrational arguments is merely humorous to Jon. He hears boos, he elbows the guy you want to win in the face really hard.

I don't know if Jones is going to do as you want him and get violently knocked out, but I'm sure he'll piss you off even more by crushing heads like cars in a junkyard. But I just want you to know, that I'm sorry on behalf of Jon Jones for what he's accomplished and what he'll accomplish in the future that will you piss you off for no sensible reason whatsoever.

Once again, sorry.

\The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Bloody Elbow readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Bloody Elbow editors or staff.

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