Jones vs. Evans is almost here. Need help for Important and Timely Fan Post!

I heard somewhere that a Fan Post should be like a jelly donut: Its beginning should fill you with pleasure, and its ending should leave you hungry for more. Unfortunately, the best I can manage is a title for a Fan Post and after that: pffft. Not much of a beginning.

I realize that most of the "hip" fan posts are chock full of hilarious similes and analogies, but my level of cleverness usually amounts to "That's about as welcome as your mom's expression when she finds a batch rag under your bed." See? Makes no sense. Unlike a gif of a kitten, there's almost nowhere that that would be appropriate to insert.

This whole UFC 145 thing has got me in a fever of ideas. Every day I browse BE and a dozen other sites, hoping to find some coverage of the event - especially the main event - and all I find are scattered reports. And I've scanned every channel on TV and wondered, "Is this fight card this week or a year from now? Why no coverage?"

I've found myself thinking "hmmm...maybe I should write a Fan Post and cover some of the topics everyone seems to be avoiding" and then, naturally, I think "I could pretend to have inside information, sort of like Front Seat Joe or whatever that guy's name is that twitters all that shit about his ‘sources' feeding him scoops." I figure if anyone calls me on it, I can just say "internet, my with it..." and log off for a few days until the dust settles and some fighter fails a piss test or everyone is distracted by someone else's article about Super Fite Leeg or whatever.

So, anyway, I've got the itch to crank out a Fan Post before the shit goes down on Saturday, and I could use some input. Here are some Fan Post titles I'm working on - I just need some suggestions on, you know, text and what have you that I can insert to fulfill the 75-word requirement (and get a bunch of recs, of course, because I'm not one to shy from adulation of any kind, even from strangers). To show I'm serious and to demonstrate my gratitude, I'll insert a relevant gif and, if I can figure out how to do it, maybe even a controversial poll right in this thread.

Ha ha, I just realized it's true that drinking helps make these fan shots seem like very good ideas.

Check it out! The "jump" everyone uses!

Here's my list of titles, with brief explanations to guide you [I even edited it, using Bold and Italics to add pizzazz!]:

  • Jones vs. Evans: This Shit Can't Get More Real, Can It? (Spoiler alert: It sure fuckin' can!)
  • Jon Jones: Is he ducking Mark Hunt by staying at LHW? (See? This one combines two very hip topics.)
  • John Jones to Rashad Evans on Twitter: "Hey, I'm John Jones the insurance salesman! Quit twitter bombing me! I haven't been in a fight my entire life!" (I would fabricate a bunch of twitter screen shots for this one, and maybe put a disclaimer in fine print at the end..."after the jump" as they say in the MMA writing biz.)
  • Judo Chop: Jones vs. Evans Staredown Technique Dissection (This would be funny if it had gifs of kittens scaring dogs. Hmmm...maybe not.)
  • Karate Throw: Ten Ways Rashad Can Ruin Jones's Special Night (Can't for the life of me remember what this was about...)
  • Grapplin' Jab: Shad's Subtle Submission Strategy (I think this could be decent if I understood what ‘irony' meant.)
  • BE Poll: Will they touch gloves before the fight? (This would explore the little known ‘grudge' they apparently have.)
  • The True Story about How Jon actually Signs His Name "Bone" and Pretends He Forgot the S at the End! (This would require frequent use of the word "allegedly," of course.)
  • Jones vs. Evans: Who will win the re-match? (I'd use a literary device known as "foreshadowing" in this one. I wrote a school paper about that once, and it's probably somewhere on my computer.)
  • Should Jon Jones cut to 185 if he loses? (Probably wouldn't be able to keep the surprise ending a surprise very long on this one.)
  • Jones vs. Evans: Stories the Media Have Overlooked (Spoiler alert: There are none.)
  • Ten Feuds to Make After Evans vs. Jones (And none of them will involve Faber or Cruz.)
  • Weigh in on this: Rashad Loses Ten Stubborn Pounds with this One Crazy Little Diet Trick (I saw a guy that looks like Shad in a popup ad and this article idea "popped up" immediately.)
  • Top Ten Songs Bones Should Play when he Walks Out (and they're all by chicks)
  • Should Bones get a TRT Exemption for his Skinny Calves? (Lots of fun to be had dispensing fake medical "facts" in this one...probably be able to copy and paste some convincing anatomical terms from an obscure article... I'll attribute it to "research shows that" and no one can argue with it.)
  • Ten Reasons Shad Won't Get Faded (and a thousand why he will)
  • Insult or Inside Info?: Jones calls Rashad "constipated, because I'm gonna make him quit on the stool." (Sometimes writers win over their audience with ‘naughty' humor. I'm sure there are some joke sites that have good material I can "borrow".)
  • The Ten Nine Eight several funniest things Bones has tweeted. (Not optimistic about this one, to be honest.)

There you go. Any help will be gratefully received. Here, have a gif:


And look, a "poll"!

\The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Bloody Elbow readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Bloody Elbow editors or staff.

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