Yes folks, you read that right. Back by popular demand, one of my most loved pieces of writing ever! Soon to become a regular segment for all your reading pleasure!
It’s “5 Reasons why ‘Starship Troopers’ Kicks Ass, and if you Disagree, you Suck!”
Reason 1: Michael Ironside’s almost Shakespearean utterance of “They sucked his brains out!” being the greatest line in film history, hands down.
Reason 2: Those funny newscasts that pump you up as a kid, and then make you think depressing thoughts about the dehumanizing nature of war as an adult.
Reason 3: Dina Meyer’s boobies!
Rea…wait…wait a second…yep, I think I made a mistake here – that mistake being that you can’t write TWO articles about why “Starship Troopers” kicks ass, because duh, once you’ve read it, what’s the point of reading it again? Sure, I could mix those reasons up, try to make it seem original, but you guys are smart. You’ll see right through that.
So while I get to work on “5 Reasons why ‘Die Hard’ is the greatest Christmas Story ever told,” here’s five strange, ironic, possibly sad, and downright weird facts from the world of MMA this week.
MMA Defeats Worst of Worst-Case Scenarios via Unanimous Decision
In the past week, the sport of Mixed Martial Arts has faced down and defeated (in the realm of public opinion, at least) three of the worst stereotypes and situations the sport could face. Stereotypes and situations so bad, us fans would always joke about them in a “never could happen” sort of way. Like “Hey Bob, wouldn’t it be funny if in one week we had a women’s fight featuring a gruesome arm break, a UFC fighter get outed for doing gay porn, and a Neo-Nazi compete on a Zuffa card.”
Yeah, that all happened. And our sport (and the folks in it) came through these troubled waters in flying colors.
First up: Miesha Tate vs. Ronda Rousey in the most anticipated women’s matchup since the girl from “Haywire” fought Wanderlei Silva in a sports bra. In a sport where the political and sporting “correctness” of women fighting is still very open to debate, these ladies put on a fight featuring a badly broken arm finish. If I had given this to you, Mr. (or Mrs.) MMA fan, as a hypothetical only a year ago, you’d tell me this was a recipe for a PR disaster of epic, almost Elite XC proportions.
Instead, Joe R. Public gave props to Ronda for her dominance, props to Miesha for her pluck, and lots of props to both ladies for their technical brilliance and grit. Damn that’s sexy – in a “let’s respect women fighters as we do the men while not getting hysterical over a broken arm” kind of way.
Then on the same card, there was the scandal involving undercard fighter Brandon Saling, who as it turns out is some white trash reincarnation of Adolf Hitler mixed with Ben Roethlisberger, with trace elements of actual sh*t. Yeah, he’s a violent skinhead with a horrendous criminal past – basically making him the typical MMA fighter in the mind of your kindly old Grandma Mabel.
Scott Coker and crew claimed “not to know” he was a neo-Nazi (those SS tats could be anything, really) but once they found out, they fired him, the commission revoked his license, and they made him watch “American History X” on continuous repeat for the next year. And like Heath Ledger’s Joker might say…”nobody panicked”. Good job everyone!
And finally, there was the whole “a contestant on this season of TUF once did gay porn!” thing, which is about as uncomfortable a revelation (literally, natch) as the sport could have right now. The opportunity was there for fans to get worked up, Dana White to put his foot in his mouth, and the whole sport to look immature and homophobic. Instead, the reaction from fighters, fans and the UFC was a giant “meh” and life went on pretty much as if the whole thing never happened.
Three almost inconceivable worst-case scenarios. Three measured, reasonable reactions that put each incident into proper context and proportion. I could kiss all of you on the lips – you know, assuming a camera was rolling and the money was right.
I’m actually right about something!
Man, that was a hard day. My loyal readers, calling me every rotten name in the book (and it’s a big book). Even when I asked my lady for a pity f*ck, her response was “You think Frankie Edgar should get ANOTHER rematch? Well it seems you’ll be Jon Fitch’ing the couch to a unanimous decision tonight, Mr. Writer Man.”
Well this week, the glorious news broke: Frankie Edgar is getting his immediate rematch. Again. Again again. So you’ll excuse the blatant immaturity for a moment when I say…
EAT IT HATERS! I WAS RIGHT, AND YOU WERE WRONG. HOW DO YOU LIKE ‘DEM APPLES!
Kos is now trash-talking AKA!
Trash talk from Josh Koscheck is nothing new. And usually, it’s nothing newsworthy, either. Unless of course you feel like someone shouting “male nurse! Male Nurse! MALE NURSE BRO!” in increasingly louder tones, or attacking someone with a toilet plunger is comedy gold.
Full disclosure: I laughed my butt off at both those moments. But I’m the guy who thought Edgar/Henderson II was a good idea, so you should probably take what I say with a big grain of EAT IT MOFO’S I WAS RIGHT! Ok I’m done now.
This week, Kos was in the news again, letting his mouth write cheques that his ass (or orbital bone) will have to cash. Except that the target of his wrath is his former gym, the American Kickboxing Academy in San Jose, California.
Everyone who follows MMA news knows Kos had a falling out with his old camp. But it’s still shocking to hear him run down a gym with which he was once synonymous. It’s the sort of thing that makes me feel old.
Now that I think about it, the modern MMA landscape features a Greg Jackson’s without Rashad Evans, an AKA without Josh Koscheck, and a Golden Glory without The ‘Reem. What in the sam Hell is the world coming to?
Fedor is coming to the UFC!
In other news: the DeLorean works, and we’re successfully back in 2007. Time to cancel that $500 “Pats are headed for a perfect season, baby!” bet I made. Oh, and invent Twitter. Can’t forget that. And possibly write the script for the movie “Inception”, this time with a less ambiguous ending so I can finally know if it was all a dream, damnit!
When it comes to “Fedor’s coming to the UFC” stories, I feel like Bill Murray in “Groundhog’s Day.” I’m lying in my bed, the radio is playing “I got You, Babe” by Sonny and Cher, and I have to face another day of EXACTLY THE SAME THING. It’s amazing these stories still find traction anymore – what with everything that’s happened in the career of Fedor since these rumors first started swirling back in…oh, I think it was Biblical times.
The funny thing is, there’s a better chance of Fedor coming to the UFC now than ever before. That’s because Fedor has lost almost all his lustre, destroying any leverage he had to make outrageous contract demands (such as “wanting lots of money” and “wanting even more money than that” and “seriously now, I want half of what you make just because I show up!”). And the UFC is desperate for big name talent (especially at heavyweight) to fill in on thrice-weekly cards from Fiji, or Luxemburg, or wherever.
Tim Sylvia is training cardio!
Did anyone else catch this little tidbit this week? Yes, that’s Big Timmeh himself, doing some decidedly non-Superheavyweight cardiovascular training. It’s part of a campaign to get Tim back to the UFC by popular demand (which is a “wait, what? Seriously?” thing in and of itself). Except that Dana White recently said “hell no” (his words, not mine) to Tim Sylvia ever coming back to the UFC.
Which I guess makes this all sort of sad. Still, I think Tim should keep right on training – there’s always the Ray Mercer rematch, amiright?
By Elton Hobson