ARE YOU LIKE ME? DID YOU ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLE UPON BE WHILE FURIOUSLY MASTURBATING TO MMAMANIA’S FRIDAY FUN THREAD UNDER THE DIM LIGHT OF YOUR MOMMA’S BASEMENT AND WONDER, ‘WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE, HOW DID THEY GET SO FUCKING COOL, AND HOW CAN I EVER CONCEIVE OF A THOUGHT SO ORIGINAL THAT IT SHALL ONE DAY BECOME GREEN?'' THEN SPEND THE NEXT 37 MONTHS LURKING THE POSTS BEFORE GETTING UP THE NERVE TO COMMENT?’
I thought so. Which is why I allegedly spent most of my work day distilling the essence of BE into this simple format: The ABC's of BE:
A) Anton Tabuena- BE staff member famous for A) his mind-bottling MMA event posters/artwork and B) generously bestowing Natasha Wicks photos upon the community.
B) BECW- The Bloody Elbow Civil War, a MMA fantasy-type game in which community members, divided by teams (the greatest among them, of course, being the Bus Feeders) pick the results of UFC fights.
C) Community Moderators- Jaded community members who YOU. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. PISS. OFF. Also, a big part of the reason why BE is the best MMA site on Al Gore’s great internet.
D) Damon O.- If you’ve ever been publicly humiliated to the point of tears by a .gif, Damon O. was probably the reason why.
E) Earl Montclair/ElliotMatheney- Two long-time community members who fell from God’s grace and traded classic, timeless BE avatars for new ones that offend and disgust every living being on Earth.
F) Farthammer- A well-respected community member. Who once chose babysitting over attending Shogun/Hendo.
G) Gspmademegay- Is me.
H) How Taste My Tweet Tweet- (see Anton Tabuena) Wednesdays. Wicks. That is all.
I) Intellegence- A lot of it. 8 out of the 12 days of the week, BE is 80% more intelligent than the next leading MMA site.
J) Jack Slack- A relative newcomer to BE, JS posts wonderfully researched and written pieces about the most creative and brutal methods imaginable to incapacitate other human beings.
K) Kid Nate- Google him.
L) Live Threads (AKA Live Results and Play By Play)- The deep end of the BE commenting pool. This is where respected BE veterans gather to comment on live fights, talk shit, fart, drink Alpha Chino’s Booty Sweat, and play bustnuts.
M) MUTHERFUKERS!!! (LETS)- The official BE rallying cry, adopted by our very own Ben Saunders. If you’re ever anywhere other than BE, and someone yells ‘LETS MUTHERFUKERS!!!’ at you, run as fast as possible in the opposite direction. Because that person gives not a single fuck.
N) Noobs- See my opening paragraph. Also, anyone who asks silly questions like ‘Why the fuck does that guy have a painting of Malcolm X baptizing Tupac Shakur as his avatar?’
O) Orcus- Official BE Portugese-English translator. (We’ve still got him working on ‘Big cock guy. So much cock.’)
P) Psychoblack/Paul Harris/the Pussy Monster- BE’s lovable, 3-headed mascot who, if crossed, will make you slap yo self, rip off your fucking leg, and lose you your UFC Light Heavyweight Championship belt.
Q) Quality Control- The department at BE responsible for ensuring that some variation of the following three pictures be posted and made green daily:
R) Rec- short for ‘Recommended,’ a process in which a comment becomes highlighted in green after being recommended by at least 3 separate community members. FanPosts (such as this one!) and FanShots can also be ‘rec’d;’ after 5 such rec’s the post is bumped to the top of the recent posts, garnering it more exposure and glory.
S) Scouting Reports- Leland Roling’s masterful contribution to BE; the Scouting Reports are amongst the post popular pieces on any MMA site.
T) Thank You FanPosts- Weekly posts thanking whichever staff member quit that week for their glorious contributions to BE.
U) Unabomberman- BE’s resident Mexican, uh, resident, Unabomberman is BE’s official earthquake/mass-murder/shit just got real fucked up down here correspondent, as well as BE’s leading theorist on the potential effects of the Pussy Train on the career of Jon ‘Bones’ Jones.
V) /Volkmannized- Imagine the pain of being punched in the ear by Junior Dos Santos, then back elbowed by Anderson Silva, then liver kicked by Alistair Overeem, then 12-to-6 elbowed in the face by Jon Jones, then soccer kicked in the jaw by Shogun Rua, then face stomped by Wanderlei Fucking Silva. Then, imagine that pain multiplied by the sum of Obama's deficit. That, kids, is about how it feels to be /Volkmannized, or publicly called out by a substitute high school gym teacher/mediocre UFC fighter (thanks beerdo).
W) Wonderfulspam- A strange and pasty Nordic creature who keeps amazing and much-appreciated stats for the BECW.
X) X, or ‘The Dreaded Red X'- The unfortunate result of posting a picture improperly or not being able to view a posted photo. This can be avoided by previewing a comment before posting, or not surfing BE from your office computer (where I’m definitely NOT writing this right now).
Y) (.Y.), a BE community member who not only writes funny comments, but also discovered that if you surround an upper-case Y with two periods and opposing parentheses, it sorta kinda resembles some boobies.
Z) Z Key- perhaps the coolest feature on BE. While in the comment body of a post, hitting the Z Key will automatically scroll to the most recent, unread comment, allowing you to converse with maximum efficiency.
Have a nice day mutherfukers.