5 Reasons I Hate MMA

MMA is a sport for losers. I used to love MMA until I realized I hated it. There are just so many things wrong with this "sport" I don't know where to begin. My reasoning is sound, contradictions are nonexistent, knowledge is superb, my logic is perfect, and my reasoning is as circular as an oval.

1.) Too many decisions. Go watch a typical UFC or Strikeforce fight and 45% of the time it ends in a decision. I hate decisions. They're the wimpiest form of victory ever created and it is painful to see how many decisionfest champions there are in the UFC. Frankie Edgar doesn't knock anyone out, Jose Aldo has defended his title three times by decision, but none of them beats the decision king known as Georges St. Pierre. GSP should totally stand for "Gudges Score Papers". He has had so many decisions in his career that he frequently makes his day-to-day life. St. Pierre often wakes up in the morning and decides "Do I wear a leather jacket or a raincoat?" He then drags it on for 25 minutes and then chooses raincoat, but then apologizes to his friend waiting at the door, promising to finish making his choice quicker next time. GSP is bad for this awful sport with his stupid ass lay-and-pray ways, which leads me to....

2.) The ground game is boring. Seriously, who sees grappling and wrestling as fun? I see it as pussies who are too afraid to duke it out with their fists. I think the ground game is a hell of a lot like gay porn. And as a heterosexual male who likes women (although they rarely like me back), I know exactly what gay porn probably looks like. I mean, name any straight guy who tries and then enjoys beating another guy by trying to wrap his legs around a man's face? Creepy. Not only that, but the ground game in MMA features a lot of sexual sounding terms. Lay-and-pray, ground-and-pound, back mount, north-south position, rape choke, etc. Every time I watch the ground game I feel like the dry-humping style of Cole Konrad should result in a finish of another sort. It's a well known fact that ADCC tournaments feature pre-fight lubricants. I much prefer striking, which leads me to......

3.) The striking is too sloppy. It sucks. It just does. Even at the highest level. I think it's a bunch of boxers who flamed out in that sport and came to MMA and learned a few things. These guys have terrible angles, awful punching technique, and tend to just swing wildly. Oh yeah, and MMA fighters have weak chins. I know that because most KOs end with some lucky ass haymaker landing, just like Anderson Silva vs. Forrest Griffin. I can't stand Anderson Silva. He's too smart for a worthless sport like this. I wish mental harm on him so that he takes up soccer instead.

4.) Not enough guys who WAR. You see Arturo Gatti fight? That son of a bitch could WAR. He would be in so many epic fights even beyond the Micky Ward trilogy. Who really WARs in MMA? I'm thinking Jorge Gurgel (who was smart enough not to use his stupid grappling skills and duke it out like a man), Matt Riddle, Dan Hardy, and Leonard Garcia. None of those guys can strike for beans, but they bring it. All of them have rock solid chins and bring their best every single night. It's fascinating to watch. Sure they land strikes as often as Mario Mendoza could hit a baseball, but they are warriors who WAR and should never leave the sport.

5.) Jon Jones. Someone take the horseshoe out of this guy's asshole because what a lucky prick this guy is. He trains in MMA for only three years and now he's the best LHW in the world. No one trains in any sport that quickly and becomes the best at his craft. Jason Pierre-Paul needed his entire childhood to become one of the best pass rushers in the NFL, for god's sake! Jones is cocky, fake, and I hope that Rashad Evans gives him a good ol' fashion lay-and-pray decision win so that I can enjoy watching Jon Jones lose and still find a reason to hate why he lost. He beat all of my heroes from PRIDE like Quinton Jackson, Shogun Rua, and the biggest PRIDE star of them all Lyoto Machida. I don't like Jones' fighting style because he has no jab, tries these amateurish flashy elbow thingies that belong in Karate Kid, and acts like he's all that when in reality he's only beaten a washed up Quinton Jackson, a banged-up Shogun, and an overrated novelty fighter in Machida. He hasn't paid his dues and is everything that is wrong with this sport. He's also with Greg Jackson MMA, who is my source of bitchiness when I wake up in the morning. His fight camp (if it can be called that) and his stalwart of boring and/or overrated jokes like Donald Cerrone, Leonard Garcia, Jon Jones, Georges St. Pierre, Diego Sanchez, and Clay Guida will be the death of the sport I suddenly stopped liking after Nick Diaz lost a fight.

I don't like MMA anymore. In fact I outright hate it in the same way I hate seeing Sofia Vergara's chest, puppies, kittens, food, drink, daylight, the thing that Peter Frampton used to make his guitar talk, and the ability to speak my mind.

MMA sucks. So so much. Sometime over the last few days was the straw that broke the llama's neck.