MMA Personalities Talk Velasquez vs. Dos Santos (not really)

Like many of you, I read the article today showcasing some fighters picking the winner of Saturday's main event between Junior Dos Santos and Cain Velasquez. It's always incredibly exciting to see how many of Cain Velasquez's teammates will pick him to win, and I always find myself in awe of Randy Couture's unparalleled ability to refuse to make any sort of decision. However, I found myself wondering what many other prominent figures in the MMA community felt about the fight, so I've scoured the web , emailed several fighters, broke into a few apartments, and made a few phone calls, and am glad to be able to compile some of the more interesting responses here.

UFC Bongweight Champion Nick Diaz

Like... it's tough, man. I mean, if I tell you what I really think about the fight, fucking Keith Kizer will make sure I'm wrong, you know? I don't trust that guy, he's got something against me. But I guess, I don't know, maybe Cain will win unless he gets finished or the fight goes to decision. Whatever, I don't care. I'm not getting paid to do this, man, I'm out here writing this on a fucking Blackberry, and these guys at MMA Mania are reading this on iPhones... It's like, where's the justice in that? Fuck this, man, I'm gonna start commenting at Mania and get me one of those fucking iPhones. WHERE YOU AT, HEMMINGER? I'M COMIN' FOR YA. 209 STOCKTON WHAT! Yeah, I don't know. Whatever.

UFC Heavyweight Fabricio Werdum

It's a tough fight. I think Jhoonyer win by knockoutch because he not a cock guy, and Cayenne Velasquez gots too mush cock. So mush cock. I dunno how he fight Cheick Kongo and not dead with all that cock.

Strikeforce Middleweight Tim Kennedy

I think it's going to be a hard fight between two great fighters. I think they're going to give it their all. However much they give though, it's nothing compared to what's given to us by every single person to ever serve in the armed forces of this great nation!

UFC Play-by-play Announcer Mike Goldberg

Coming down to makes the first mistake, this fight will be. You know, Junior Dos Santos may be the greatest heavyweight of all time, but the Michael Jordan of Boxing is Cain Velasquez. This quote is brought to you by Harley Davidson, the only motorcycle worthy of being in this fanpost! Land some NIIIIIICE leg kicks will Cain Velasquez have to, his sprawl and brawl victory en route to. So as we look at the Victory Motorcycles Interview Recap, I have Cain Velasquez by left head kick a la Butterbean!

UFC CEO Dana Fucking White

I think this fucking fight is Cain Fucking Velasquez's fucking fight to fucking lose, and if he fucking stands there like a fucking idiot again like he fucking did last fucking time and fucking tries to fucking trade fucking punches with Fucking Junior Fucking Dos Fucking Santos Fucking again, he's fucking going to fucking lose this fucking fight. That fucking asshole, what the fuck did he fucking think he was fucking doing, fucking setting up his fucking takedowns with fucking strikes? Fucking everyone knows the only fucking way to succeed in the UFC is to fucking rush in without any fucking strategy! What a fucking moron. If he fucks this up again he's not in the fucking mix any more. Fuck.

All-around Psychotic Paulo Filho

Jesus? Zhoo here? Oh. Zhoo not Jesus. Zhoo Taco Bell dog. Zhoo cool too, man. Zhoo catch Godzilla with box. That take balls, man. What? Who fight? I no gonna fight no more. I get tattoo of unicorn on my ballsack, and I go take nap. No fight.

Judge, Referee, and Movie Star Cecil Peoples

It's gonna be close, cats. These fellas comin' to boogie, and they ain't gonna play no games, that's fo' sho. I see it going to the judges, and I see Garcia winning this dance. Analyst Dallas Winston


Undercard Superstar Editor Luke "BVandDietPepsi" Irwin


Movie Star, Aikido God and 90th Degree Black Belt Steven Seagal

I've taught Junior a few things. He's one of my guys, so there's some things I've been able to show him that I've taken a blood oath to never unleash upon the world. But if he wins by Dim Sum Mak, there is a possible chance that the impact of Junior's ki intertwining with the dying reiki energy released by Cain Velasquez's lymph nodes upon contact COULD form a world-destroying singularity. IF I allow it to.

UFC Color Commentator Joe Rogan

This fight comes down to defense, plain and simple. I'm not talking about footwork, blocking punches, or checking kicks, either. No, ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about TESTICULAR DEFENSES. Now having thoroughly examined both fighters' groins, I can confirm that Cain Velasquez has taken my advice and has been using Jaco's new state-of-the-art compression shorts with built in memory foam and carbon fiber cup. They call it the TEMPURDONGIC. Junior Dos Santos has always been more of a traditionalist, so he's used a typical athletic cup, which will not protect you from a shin to the dickhole. However, he saw this year's Bellator Heavyweight Tournament and decided that enough was enough. He went to me for help, and I gave him six of my Diamond MMA steel Thai cups! Those can stop a bullet, ladies and gentlemen! Don't ask why I know that. Still, he's out of luck if he gets kicked in the taint. Hmmm...

UFC Middleweight and Anti-walking Activist Rousimar Palhares




\The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Bloody Elbow readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Bloody Elbow editors or staff.

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