Sugel Mendoza's (Probably Inaccurate) Guide to Mixed Martial Arts - Punchin'

Well aren't you bastards greedy? I put all that work in volume one and all you people want is more. I guess I can't blame any of you, though. After all, I am incredibly intellegent, despite what that asshat, Sugel Mendoza, has to say about it. Now before I go on some of you may be asking, "Why did you make a separate post about jabs, you retarded monkey scrotum?" Well if you are asking that, then you either must be illiterate, a buffoon, a baboon, an ass or some sort of combination of all of those, which in these parts we lovingly refer to as "Zachary Kater". So keep your chin up, hands down and heads still because I'm gonna show you the ways of air conditioning.

The Straight

Contrary to popular belief, the straight punch is not named so because the arm straight. In fact, a straight arm is OFFAL technique and whoever starter this should be taken to a windowless room and have a conversation about atheism with Tyron Woodley's mother. It is called the "straight" because there is nothing manlier than punching, and there is no greater sign of heterosexuality than fisting another man in the face: The cross is the perfect way to tell the world, "I'm straight, that means I like women." Back on the subject of technique, the proper form is to flail your arm in a downward angle with your lead hand down by your side and your head as high as Nick Diaz. This is to intimidate your opponent with your fearlessness towards his pitiful technique, as the act of arm-flailing is a sort of body language that is basically man-speak for, "MY ARMS ARE MORE ACCUSTOMED TO BOASTING MY MANHOOD THAN YOURS ARE. ALTHOUGH YOU MAY DISAGREE, I CAN ASSURE YOU, I HAVE BETTER PUNCHING THAN YOU, AS WELL AS PERHAPS A LARGER HOUSING UNIT, A MORE EXPENSIVE AUTOMOBILE, A MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE AND SEXUALLY APPEALING SPOUSE AND PERHAPS EVEN A LARGER PENIS."



The Uppercut

The uppercut is a move that is used by approximately 0.001% of the MMA population. It is sad really, so much power, yet so little discipline possessed by the current generation to realize it. Hopefully one of you can change this and show this strategy (and promptly use it to KO white belts). It is very simple: Keep your door-knocking knuckles parallel to yourself, launch it upwards, proceed to stand over the corpse of your opponent/sparring partner/mother-in-law. A warning to those practicing this technique: Do not attempt to practice this in a Guatemalan grocery store, particularly against children, the elderly and Cambodian Midget wrestlers, as people seem to have some sort of problem with it. And unless you profoundly hate yourself (don't worry everyone else does too), ensure that you don't end up attacking yourself. Or do, whatever, I don't care.


Above: Chris Hall attempting the uppercut.

The Hook

On the other side of the fence, hooks make up approximately 10,000.259% of the average mixed martial artist's arsenal. And with good reason: "Hook" is one half of the word "hooker", which is a synonym for "prostitute", which are often women, who for the most part have breasts, which leads me to believe that hooks are the tits. The proper form for a perfect hook is to use your fist to punch the air directly in front of your opponent. The reason for this is to create a force field to shield you from your opponent's attack and to create a gust powerful enough to knock the opponent so far out of consciousness they don't even leave in the first place. The reason for the air ballin' is because the sheer power of the hook is enough to cause death in most humans, which is even more alarming considering that most fighters don't know this, and attack their opponent with the cruelest intent.


"Shit, Juanito! Why didn't you tell me this would happen!? Get the monster truck and the energy drinks, we're going to Mexico!"

Fortunately, most fighters don't know a hook from a coat hanger, so their power is not much of a concern. And for those that do, they understand the curse of their incredible power, and are educated in the preventative measures to stop death by man-on-man fisting.


This guy gets it.

\The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Bloody Elbow readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Bloody Elbow editors or staff.

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