Sugel Mendoza's (Probably Inaccurate) Guide to Mixed Martial Arts - The Jab

Greetings friends and Kater! You may be wondering why I'm here. I'm here to educate you meat-sacks about the intricacies of details of maneuvers you don't even know the names of and write it in a manner you can read (to be fair, I'm surprised any of you can even do that). So take a minute and sit right there and I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-Air the secrets of the art of banging, my bros.

The Jab

The jab is a technique that is used primarily by quitters and cowards who have the nerve to not allow real, manly men to bang each other into unconsciousness. For further proof, look no further than St. Pierre vs. Koscheck. The first jab that GSP hit Koscheck with immediately broke Koscheck's orbital bone, almost to the point of his eye looking like a cantaloupe cut in half. Based on St. Pierre being 1-1 on his jab in that sample size, I can safely conclude that 100% of jabs will cause cantaloupesque swelling in the orbital region, making all jabs incredibly dangerous strikes thrown with the intention of causing career-threatening injuries, and those who throw them fake, cocky, cheaters who show no honor to the drunken dudebros who rip their pain into pieces in order for these men to bang to their heart's content.


This man would turn over in his prison bed if he knew what was going on.

There is also the issue of what a man by the name of Nick told me about, which he refers to as "Punk-ass baby bitch jabs," shortly before he went off on a marijuana-induced rant about area codes, feminine canines and fecal matter. These "punches" he explained to me, are no more than dirty, stalling tactics created for the purpose of cheating the rules by staying within the confines of said rules by using a legal attack.



So other than Georges St. Pierre being a cowardly, cheating and boring point-fighter, with no respect towards tradition or his opponents health, what else have we learned? Nothing? That is where you're wrong. We learned the jab is a disrespectful, weak, dangerous and useless technique that is a plague on the noble sport of MMA. So how do we combat this scourge of the cage? The solution is so simple, yet so elegant you will all be pleasuring yourselves furiously over my brilliance while I bask in the fruits of your self-pleasurings.

The solution? Fingers.


The answer was right under our noses this whole time.

Using fingers and thumbs would eliminate the use of boring point-jabs as fingers have been known to be used in some of the most intense banging affairs that have ever taken place. They would also eliminate dangerous, cheating bitch jabs, because physics says that a finger could not cause a career threatening injury, as it is smaller than a fist, therefore fingers are safer and have no risk of injury. Meanwhile jabs have a 100% injury rate. Problem is not many fighters know this attack. But there is one. One man who has been working his whole career to revolutionize the sport. One man who can save us from this atrocious turn we are taking. Ladies and gentlemen: our savior...



\The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Bloody Elbow readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Bloody Elbow editors or staff.

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