Dear Mr. Bookhouse,

Hi! Je m'appelle Tim. You might remember me from such articles as "Matt Riddle's a filthy stoner" or "Why Subo won't graduate college". Instead of writing something about cocky champions or Nate's videos or Nick Diaz getting fired (he should be), I'm just gonna give you five reasons why them sumbitch DVD's should be mailed to my house instead of one of these other heathens. Yes, I called y'all heathens. No, that doesn't mean you should go assault someone. Anyway, onto the list.

1. I can tell you who won all 200 of the fights without watching the DVD's. And how they won. If I get all 200 right, you send me the DVD's, and send Brenda to Cage Potato. Deal?

2. I may or may not know your middle name, Mr. Managing Editor, and I may or may not reveal it based on the outcome of this goddamned contest.

3. I once tried to capoeira kick a wall and ended up falling down a bank into a river. True story.

4. I'm out of beer coasters. 20 of them would come in reaaal handy right now.

5. The first four weren't very funny, so I'm gonna need something to distract me from all seven of the negative comments I'm going to receive about this thing. Nothing says relief like watching Miesha Tate on a webcam Carlos Condit on his bicycle.

I await your decision, overlord.