Self-proclaimed, 27 time world jiu jitsu champion, Renato Laranja, has a keen interest in this weekend's UFC 153 card. His grappling brethren have a duty, in his eyes, to represent the motherland. They have a reputation to uphold. I recently spent some time getting his main card picks for our readers. The transcription will not be edited for spelling, rather, they will be as close to the way his heavy accent sounds to my relatively trained ear as possible. Viva Brasil!
Caralho! I never wanna say, because I feel like my heart wanna go with Wagner, but I'm gonna have to go on this one with Phil Davis. That guy, he's too strong. He have a very interesting look to him. He's like a cross between Tupac Shakur and Gregory Hines. He have the same eyes that's bug out like that, but he have the dark skin, so that can be very intimidating for Wagner. The only chance Wagner has is to use Chinese gung fu or krav maga, and maybe poke that guy's eyes out. Other than that, I think it's a wrap for him.
My heart is gonna go to Brazil. I like this kid, Erick Silva. He's one of my favorite new fighters. I think that guy's gonna be a superstar. He have everything. He have a lot of experience with Jungle Fights, and he beat up a lot of Brazilian guys there, so you know he's a tough guy. The ladies like that guy because he look like a young Tony Danza. He have the same haircut of that guy.
He's fight Jon Fitch, and that guy's no pushover. He's like a grumpy old man in the body of a young man. He have that vibe like the grumpy old man. He have also a gruesome looking beard, and I think the only chance he have is if he get a hold to Erick Silva on the ground. He's maybe not gonna let the guy up. He might say to Erick Silva, 'Now who is the boss?' Then, maybe Erick is gonna wish he was back with Angela and Mona. Anything can happen, but I gonna take Erick Silva all the way.
Fabio Maldonado vs Glover Texeira
I'm gonna say that one was an easy one for me to pick because Brazil verse Brazil, well Glover Texeira, that's guy's monster. Nobody wanna fight that guy, even that black guy, Hampage Jackson. He pull out the fight, because he say he have like high cholesterol, something like that. Glover is too tough. He train at the Pit with Chuck Liddell and Gene Hackman. If you see Mississippi Burning, you know Gene Hackman don't play around. I think he's gonna give a lotta the stuffs he learn over the years to Glover. The other thing, Glover is Brazil, but he named after Danny Glover when he was born, because he looked like him a little bit.
That guy Fabio, beside he have some good boxing, he just look like a Latin lover. He kind of look like the Captain Morgan, but that stuff not gonna save him. He's gotta work because his chest and his abs look a little chubby. I think he's gonna get beat up in this one.
Minotauro Nogueira vs Dave Herman
That one is like a close to my heart because you have Brazil verse USA, but you also have a legend. Nogueira is a national treasure, even though he's start to look old. He's kinda start to look like a Tommy Lee Jones, but I still think he's got a lotta stuffs left in the tank. I think he's gonna beat that guy, PeeWee Herman.
You know, PeeWee Herman, they was find some marijuana in his system, and he was pull out one of the fights because of that. And also, he's never been the same since he was arrest for that thing in the theater. He lost his TV show because he was masturbating in that porno theater. That was a tough blow to him, and he's never been the same after that.
I think it really depends on which PeeWee Herman shows up, because if he's the hairy PeeWee, I think he gonna lose. Hairy PeeWee has been on a losing streak.
Caralho! I think Stephan Bonnar is like the MMA version of Gerry Cooney, but don't worry about that. See, this fight, the UFC was very generous in this fight because it's so close to Halloween. I think it's good that they put it close to there because I think it's gonna be a blood bath. It's gonna be like a massacre.
It's like fight porn. You know when some guys like to watch the pornos that they have on the internet, and they only wanna watch the compilations of the money shots. It's like to watch that. There's no homance. You gonna watch a guy just to get his face beat up. That's OK. Every once in a while, you gotta throw the fans a bone.
Don't get me wrong, I love Steven Bonnar. He's a tough guy, and he have a strong sense of humor. He's got that stuffs going for him, but Anderson Silva, I just saying what everybody else going to say in this one. I think if you voting for Steven Bonnar in this one, you just using your heart, and not you brain. After that fight, he's gonna be eat from a straw.
You can follow Renato via his Twitter account, @Renato_Laranja
Full audio of the entire card breakdown from Renato can be found at TapouT Radio