There has not been, as of yet, Celebrity MMA. We have had Bully Beatdown, hosted by Jason Miller and a few years back there was Celebrity Boxing, which had compelling fights between such relevant A-List stars like Todd Bridges v. Vanilla Ice and Tonya Harding v. Paula Jones.
I do not want to see Celebrity MMA. I could think of several thousand other things I would rather do than watch former, alleged stars strap on the 4 oz. gloves. As much as it might be amusing to see Jaleel White take on Chris Kirkpatrick, I have something better and more amazing I would like to see:
Celebrity vs. Mixed Martial Artist MMA
We all have celebrities that we despise. Perhaps because they make horrible movies, music or television (Rob Schneider, Nickelback, Michael Ian Black). Maybe they have disgusting, grating personalities and get paid an absurd amount of money for showing up to a party or event attended by pathetic, shallow people. Seriously, if you want to go to a party because one of the degenerates from "The Real World" is going to be the special guest, we don't need you.
I have a few famous folks I would like to be on the receiving end of a phenomenal beatdown:
Cain Velasquez vs. Ted Nugent
Cain Velasquez, YOUR Heavyweight Champion, is in desperate need for a good tune up fight before he tangles with Junior Dos Santos later on this year. I believe the perfect candidate to get Cain ready should be "The Motor City Madman" Ted Nugent. Mr. Nugent is an all around loudmouth who really enjoys the site of white people. Last year in Iowa, he dropped this gem:
"There's a lot of white people in this crowd -- I like that!"
Well, I can think of no better crowd for Ted to make his MMA debut in front of than a pro-Velasquez crowd. It would be great stuff to see Ted Nugent suffer some hellacious ground in pound and have to stare at that "Brown Pride" tattoo.
Cristiane Santos v. Khloe Kardashian
Mrs Cyborg has been sitting not so patiently on the sidelines for the past forever it seems waiting for Strikeforce to get around to booking a fight for her. Well, I can think of one publicity whore who would do damn near anything for a headline, including be a ginormous punching bag for the most vicious woman on earth:
I don't exactly know what I have against this woman. Actually, it is her vapid personality, fame for doing absolutely nothing and her willingness to rake in tons of money riding the seemingly never-ending wave created by her sister Kim getting boringly slammed by Ray J's bent weiner.
I know Cyborg will have to go up at least 4 weight classes to fight the woman who will inevitably be cast as Miss Piggy in the live action Muppets movie, but I think she is up to the task.
Mike Russow v. Kevin James
Kevin James is a shapely man who has an obsession with MMA not unlike my obsession with his former TV wife, Leah Remini. He even made the Inaugural Tournament of Bad and can be seen on the UFC Best of 2007 DVD waiting patiently backstage to grett Rampage Jackson after he KO'd Chuck Liddell @ UFC 71. I am unsure what he was doing back there, but for the sake of this article I will assume he was sitting in the corner sniffing Quinton's boxers.
Kevin James played a Mall Cop. Mike Russow is an actual cop with the Chicago Police Department. He is the man who turned TODDDUFFEE back into Todd Duffee with a thunderous punch followed up by "The Hammerfist of Bop". I know that this fight may be the human equivalent of watching a jell-o mold fight another jell-o mold but I don't care. Kevin James is going to continue making these fucking awful flicks unless we stop him. He must be stopped and Mike Russow is just the t-shirt wearing at weigh in guy to do it.
Marloes Coenen v. Chelsea Handler
Marloes is an amazing fighter and a beautiful woman. Chelsea Handler is an awful comedian and a heinous woman. That's all I got to say about that.
Please feel free to add your fantasy match-ups in the comments. To be sure that the point is made inside the cage, all of these fights will be refereed by Len Koivisto.