UFC 133: FROM HERE TO INFIRMARY (PART 1)
"Joinha [Machida's manager] called me, saying they’ve offered me the fight, and then called back later saying it wouldn’t be necessary anymore because Phil Davis got cleared to fight. Then, I traveled to the beach with my family and the negotiations reopened." - Machida
"But, after meeting with my team, we saw that it wouldn’t be a good idea, especially because Dana White wanted me to travel to the U.S. immediately to have my training camp there." - Machida
"Many of the members of my corner don’t have visas right now. Then, I said, ‘If you want me to fight, pay me as a champion. Pay me like you pay Anderson Silva.'" - Machida
"What makes you think you deserve ‘Anderson Silva money?’ You haven’t accomplished anywhere near what Anderson Silva has accomplished. It’s completely disrespectful and a slap in the face to us and to Anderson Silva." - White, a man who has threatened to cut Silva in the past for not fighting in a manner he found pleasing.
"A man approaches you wanting to buy your house, but you don’t want to sell it. So then, you ask for a higher price. You want it? Then pay what I’m asking." - Machida, elusive in the cage and in real estate.
"I said, 'Are you [expletive] kidding me? I'll tell you what. You tell Machida he achieves what [expletive] Anderson Silva has achieved, then maybe he'll make Anderson Silva money. Have a nice day.'" - White, huddled over, rearranging his brown leather mask, and grabbing at his nonexistent hair.
"It was very weird and very unlike Lyoto Machida. That was the last thing on earth I expected." - White, the boy who lacked an imagination.
UFC 133: FROM HERE TO INFIRMARY (PART 2)
"Tito turned it down, and then Tito called back and said, 'Did you get the fight yet?'" - White, who, at this point, was left sobbing, curled up in the fetal position amid his own filth.
"I said, 'Nope.' He goes, 'Let me think about it. Let me talk to my team, and I'll call you back tomorrow.'" - White. Unfortunately, Tito's team came back asking for "Anderson Silva money."
"I'm kind of like do I do it for the company? Do I do it for myself? Do I do it for my fans? Or do I step back and wait for the right time and everything?" - Tito Ortiz, adding, "What should I do? Should I admit that I've made mistakes? Should I remind you that I've done this before? Should I give you a history lesson? What should I do? Should I tell you how much fun we had? So... this went well... Should I really believe I ruined my legacy? What should I do? What should I do? What should I do? Should I have my tattoo removed? Wanna see my shiny new shoes? Should I just sell shoes? Should I tell you 'I am not a role model'? Hi Chuck. Seriously, what should I do? Should I say I'm a championship chaser? Did it for the money? Rings? Should I be who you want me to be? Should I accept my role, as a villain? Maybe I should just disappear. Should I stop listening to my friends? They're my friends. Should I try acting? [You just gotta deal with the heat, man. Be patient. After awhile, the temperature drops, and everything is free and easy.] Should I be writing this down? [Uh-huh.] Should I make you laugh? Should I read you a soulful poem? Shoot me with your words. You may cut me with your eyes. But still, like air, I'll rise. Or should we just clear the deck, start over? Coming through here! What should I do? Should I be who you want me to be?" (MMA Weekly)
"The storyline is what's so interesting. Tito went from 'You're about to be cut,' to now, if he beats Rashad Evans, he's back in the mix." - White
"I have so much business opportunities come about, but can I catapult this even more and continue this Cinderella story by taking this fight against Rashad Evans?" - Ortiz, a former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac...
"Tito stepped up to the plate. It's [expletive] weird here. It's like I'm dealing with a new person. I like it. I like the new Tito." - White
THE WEEK IN CHAEL (HATERS)
"He talks too much and says a lot of nonsense. He has a problem with Brazilians; he discriminates against us." - Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, speaking about Chael Sonnen while enticing a local Rio line with salt lick. (Sherdog)
"Sonnen disrespects others and has no principles or character. He's a guy that every professional fighter, at least on my team, wants to face." - Nogueira
"The old saying goes: 'Do not argue with a fool.' I asked a man in America, who he (Sonnen) is. They told me he was crazy and that he is eager to promote." - Mirko Filipovic
"I'm not mad at him. He seems 'slow.' It is obvious that he is crazy. I repeat, I am not angry at him. It's not like he understands what he is saying." - Filipovic, who also believes that the Undertaker died in an oversized casket, that the Big Boss Man did police work as a regular line of work, and that the nWo actually tried to take down WCW.
"All of us, as Brazilians, get upset by his attitudes. We respect Americans, Japanese; we respect everybody. ... Unfortunately, there are people living in the first world who aren't all that evolved." - Anderson Silva, counting his money. (Gracie Mag)
YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE!
"I worked three times a day for three years to get this [light heavyweight championship] belt, and now this guy asking me for an autograph has one just like it." - Jones. And how dare he!
"Are you serious? I mean it’s not as heavy, but it looks just the same. I never sign those belts." - Jones. Jones' manager Malki Kawa claims that Jon never turns down any autograph -- replica belts included. So, either Jon's the epitome of petulence or an outright liar. Great success!
"Rashad could've been fightin' me, but he was impatient. ... He decided to take a [non-title] fight against Phil Davis instead of waiting." - Jones. If Evans, who has already sat out over a year, is impatient, than Jones' decision to have unnecessary surgery was incompetent.
MISTER ROGERS' NEIGHBORHOOD
"As in all criminal matters, Mr. Rogers is presumed innocent until and if he is proven guilty." - Brett Rogers' camp, in a written statement. Fortunately for us, the Cout of Public Opinion does not operate under the same standards as the Court of Law! (MMA Junkie)
"Mr. Rogers asserts his innocence in this matter and is confident that the facts of what happened will vindicate his assertion of innocence." - Rogers' statement. Well the police report presents a damning case, considering, you know, Rogers admits to hitting her.
"Mr. Rogers has never been charged with any domestic related incidents or assault offenses. He is a caring and loving husband and father that has recently found success as a heavyweight mixed martial arts fighter." - Rogers' statement. I've also never been charged with jerking off at work, but, well, you see where this is going...
"We urge all media and interested individuals to withhold judgment as to what occurred during this incident." - Rogers' statement. And I urge Rogers to cease beating women half his size.
"He's completely disconnected himself from the world, no phones, no nothing. He's not talking to anybody." - UFC President Dana White, (MMA Mania)
"Like (Chris) Leben. Leben wanted the fight. Leben wanted to take the fight, Chael Sonnen wanted the fight. But those guys are 185-pounders." - White
"And I appreciate their desire, their fire but no, we want guys that are 205-pounders that are real fights at 205." - White
"Mark my words — when Jon Jones loses, he's going to quit in a fight." - Rashad Evans. We already know he'll quit at the autograph table. (Sherdog)
"I think he is a cheater, but [against] me, he can take all the drugs he wants. I'm going to whoop his ass anyway." - Hector Lombard, in his purple latex one-piece. You may fool the fucks in the league office, but you never fool the Jesus. (Cagewriter)
"It's an anomaly for a guy like that to become available, so we had discussions. But it just became pretty clear it wasn't the right fit." - Bellator CEO Bjorn Rebney, on the idea of Nate Marquardt signing with his company. (MMA Junkie)
"He's just a freak child." - Arthur Jones, brother of Jon. Pretty much says it all. (ESPN UK)
NOTE: THE ABOVE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. HIDE YO' KIDS; HIDE YO' WIVES.