How to Lose Fans and Alienate Training Partners. (A Guide by Jon Jones)

Knock, knock.

Stranger - "Who's there?"

Jon Jones - "Jonathan 'Bones' Jones, the current and youngest ever UFC light heavyweight champion in the world. Brother to Baltimore Ravens defensive tackle Arthur Jones, and Syracuse defensive lineman Chandler Jones. Tentatively scheduled to beat Quenton Jackson at UFC 135, and then later expected to move on to win the UFC heavyweight championship in the not so distant future. I have visualized it, therefore it is as though it has already happened."

Stranger - "Uhhh...okay. Are you...do you want to come in?"

Jon Jones - "Nope, that's all." (walks away whistling)

Jon "Bones" Jones has spoken (much to the dismay of his reputation), and he has repeatedly let you all know the truth. The truth is YOU'RE THE WEAK, and Jon Jones is the tyranny of ego driven men. His goodwill with the public may nearly be on it's death bed, but it was worth letting you know just how far beneath him you truly are (so far that if he were to walk around naked people would need to brush his pubes out of their faces). Do you honestly think the views of you mere mortals have any effect on Jones? You didn't put any hard work into having those opinions, so why would Jones take any of them seriously? Your criticisms bounce off of Jones impenetrable ego like legitimacy off of a Strikeforce title. Here's something you insignificant ladyboys should comprehend, guys like Jon Jones are ALPHAS (like Rambo, Nikola Tesla, or Ricco Suave before him). ALPHAS laugh at weak little men who feel the need to get their ovaries in a bunch over their pure dominance and self-important natures.

Being an ALPHA includes relentlessly succeeding at everything, haughty attitudes, and an unapologetic sexual prowess that would make even Ron Jeremy's testicles blush. THIS IS JUST HOW IT IS. But I'll tell you what, let's just give all of you Sallys out there the opportunity to let your vaginas dry up a little before you speak more blasphemy towards your light heavyweight champion. Jon Jones is so much better than you he even hates himself more than you could. Jon Jones pisses excellence, shits bricks, and ejaculates full grown assassins. All Jones knows is home-runs, while these other one punch chumps strike out  at every fastball thrown their way with such a lack of talent or technique it would make Ted Williams turn in his...freezer. As has been noted before, Jones appears to be a man amongst boys (and unfortunately for you he's just been ordained). But do not fear, for Jones has already done you the favor of concentrating all the forces of his self-importance towards handing down his own personal 10 commandments. He does this not for himself, but to prevent you from wondering further down the path of your own wrongdoings. 

1. Thou shalt bare witness to Bones' fitness.

2. When Bones says jump, you ask "want a handjob with that?"

3. Thou shall personally train Bones to defeat thee.

4. Thou shalt not inhale on school grounds, lest ye be narc'd on.

5. Thou shall do as Bones says, and criticize not what he may do.

6. If it ain't broke, Bones hasn't elbowed it.

7. Honor thy father and thy mother, by getting your girlfriend pregnant in highschool.

8. If confronted by a former training partner turn the other cheek (and look for the nearest excuse in sight).

9. Remember the elbow, and to keep it bloody.

10. Thou shall bring no false belts before him.

Bonus commandment-

11. Brandon Vera sucks.

For it is told, those who do not adhere to these closely held commandments are forever cast down into an infinite abyss, and there was great wailing and gnashing of facial bones. Jon Jones says these things not to come across as an arrogant, immature, self-involved champion. He doesn't even ask much in return, just the orbital bones of your first born to appease him.

Now I present to you, The Gallary of Bones Jones.

 

    "Wait a minute, other people have permission to speak during these things?"

         

  The last image your girlfriend will see before she wakes up in a delivery room.

"Man, I swear. Something about Jones is looking different."

    "Heeeeeyyyyy, I recognize that reflection!"

"Haha...yeah so anyway, then I told him Dominick Cruz was totally going to beat you"

                               "I feel sorry for your mother."

               "Dear me, please give us the strength to not get too bored before we end up winning. Amen."

                                "If you call me Lebron ONE MORE got damn time!"

                       "Oops, my dominance is showing."

"Jon, feasting on the soul of your fallen adversary is not allowed!"

                                  "And..."

                   "...boom goes your eye socket."

This message was brought to you by- Jon Jones fans who'd love for him to stop making it difficult to support him.