THE WEEK IN CHAEL
"The pound-for-pound does not exist but just in this pretend world. Jose Aldo has made it all the way to number three? ... The same guy that was given the UFC championship belt before he ever fought in the UFC. The only thing more absurd than that was the night they woke Matt Hughes up and informed him that he was champion." - Chael Sonnen (AOL Fanhouse)
"Wanderlei, you are an immigrant from Brazil. I am a gangster from America. Are you sure you wanna play that game with me? Listen Wanderlei, I will do a home invasion on you. I will cut the power to your house and the next thing you'll hear is me climbing up your stairs in a pair of night vision goggles I bought in the back of Soldier of Fortune magazine. I'll pick the lock to the master room door, take a picture of you in bed with the Nogueira brothers working on your 'jiu-jitsu.' I'll take said quote unquote photograph, post it at www.dorksfrombrazil.com, password - not required, username - not required. That, Wanderlei, is how you threaten someone. Dummy." - Sonnen. DorksFromBrazil.com redirects to HammerFisting.com, which, unfortunately, is not an MMA-themed porn site.
"Because he's scared and he sucks. This guy's delusional, this guy thinks his 22 wins in Pride were real. With a referee with an earpiece. Look Wanderlei, you didn't win those fights in Japan. You had one fight in Japan, dummy! It was with 'Krazy Horse' Bennett and you got knocked out!" - Sonnen. Whether or not it's true, Chael is not making up this story.
"You have to understand. If I say something in a very private manner that isn't intended for a certain audience, come on, you can't hold that against me. I picked my medium very carefully when I talked about Brazil. I went to the Internet. And if I had the foggiest idea that they had computers in Brazil, I wouldn't have done that." - Sonnen
"I was in Las Vegas when the Nogueira brothers first touched down in America. There was a bus, this is a true story. There was a bus that pulled up to a red light, and Little Nog tried to feed it a carrot, while Big Nog was petting it. He thought it was a horse. This really happened. He tried to feed a bus a carrot, and now you're telling me this country has computers? I didn't know that!" - Sonnen. If I saw two guys petting and feeding carrots to a bus, I'd be a little surprised to find out computers exist where they come from, too.
"I want an easy fight. Anderson Silva or Wanderlei Silva. Either of the Silvas. Bigfoot Silva. They all suck. Give me a Silva." - Sonnen. Other Silvas that suck: Jay Silva, Assuerio Silva, Giant Silva, former Chicago Cub Carlos Silva, and cheap Brazilian superhero knockoff The Silva Surfer.
THE WEEK IN CHAEL II
"I wasn't ready for a Brian Stann style fight; I was ready to take on a Wanderlei or a Machida or something like that." - Sonnen. A rumored fight with Lyoto Machida fell through last week after Dana White decided he hated fun. (Heavy.com)
"Rewind to his match with Chris Leben. I really would have lost whatever they would let me bet; I would have lost it all. I thought Leben would beat him." - Sonnen. And Chael would have insisted to the bookie that Leben won the fight.
"Nobody has dominated Chris Leben like that - ever - in his entire career." - Sonnen
YOU DOWN WITH TRT? YEAH, YOU KNOW ME.
"I think it becomes very, very clear when his coach Trevor Wittman is coming out and saying things that goes against what he’s doing." - Askren. Wittman claims he won't corner fighters who are on unnecessary PEDs, regardless of their legality with the state athletic commissions.
"The worst thing about it is that he just keeps lying. Own up to it, be a man, take care of your responsibilities, you did wrong, you’ve got to admit to it." - Askren. Be a man, Nate.
"I think cheating with performance enhancing drugs runs rampant in the MMA world, and I’m okay with that, that’s their decision. I wouldn’t do it." - Askren
THEN WHY DO PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THE WHITE LIGHT?
"I think he was unfortunate with his comments. They're idols of the sport, (Dana's) not a God who decides on everyone's career." - Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, stroking the dark chestnut mane of the #37, on Dana White's decree that Wanderlei Silva retire following a 27-second knockout loss to Chris Leben. (R7 Esportes)
"You see that these people were not champions for nothing. ... But Dana White can't decide that, he'll have to eat his words regarding Tito." - Nogueira. Just as the steel steed eats the carrot.
"It’s really sad to see Wanderlei getting knocked out like that, but what can we do, it happens with who is up there." - Rua, pointing up to the sky at no one in particular.
"It looked like Bader froze and choked in that fight and Tito." - UFC President Dana White, on Ryan Bader's loss to Tito Ortiz. Other chokers according to Dana White: Kenny Florian, LeBron James, Roberto Luongo, Chuck Liddell, Anthony Weiner, the State of Florida, Betty Ford, Chuck Palahniuk, Lattrell Sprewell, Bob Knight, Henry Heimlich, chronic masturbators, Adolf Hitler (c. 1945), Native Americans, John F. Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln, the Twin Towers... (Opie and Anthony)
"He has nothing to be ashamed about. He has been an amazing fighter for the last 10 years, people love and respect him. Age gets us all." - White. Well, age and a lifetime of concussive blows to the skull. (Fighters Only)
"I did what Jon 'Bones' Jones couldn't do and that was finish Bader in a minute and fifty-six seconds." - Tito Ortiz. Other things Ortiz can claim over Jones: finishing Elvis Sinosic, engaging in embarrassing public spats with his porn star girlfriend, wearing shorts with flames on them. (SB Nation MMA)
"Growing up with a mother that was a Baptist minister whipping me all the time, that's the stuff I'm afraid of." - Melvin Guillard. Me too, Melvin. Me too. (MMA Junkie)
"I think it would be pretty neat to be involved with, possibly down the road, unifying the title or something like that." - Dan Henderson, who has a good track record in title unification bouts. (5th Round)
NOTE: THE ABOVE IS A WORK OF SATIRE. TAKE YOUR TEARS ELSEWHERE.