What will Tito Ortiz’s post-fight excuse be after he loses to Bader this Saturday?

1. “I couldn’t concentrate during the first two rounds because I’ve been dealing with a pretty bad haunting. I’m pretty sure it’s the specter of Chuck Liddell. Oh, he’s alive? I meant to say ‘Buck Liddell’. Who’s he? He’s a ghost. From Canada.”

2. “I actually went blind three training camps ago. Yeah, permanently blind. I, like, put a steak in my eye socket or something. I don’t honestly remember. I didn’t want to talk about it because I thought it would sound like an excuse, and I didn’t want to take anything away from Ryan Bader’s performance. Or Matt Hamill’s. Or Forrest Griffin’s. Or Lyoto Machida’s.”

3. “My skull’s been undergoing a slow swelling the last thirty-five years, and it threw me off my game tonight. The last straw was when my doctor told me there aren’t anymore hats for me. Yeah, I had to go straight from baseball hats to astronaut helmets and punch bowls. It is what it is.”

4. “I got infected by Jenna Jameson with some porno disease. It’s hepatitis K or something. The main effect is that I really want to impress my dad now. Also, I can’t get enough hydration. Like, after a hard workout, when I reach for a bottle of water, I drink the first few gulps, but then I just squirt the rest on my face.”

5. “Ryan Bader is just a better caliber of fighter than I am. I mean, look at my career: I’ve been on a steady, downward trajectory since 2006. Plus, I’m 35 now – my body can’t take the rigors of training camp, my reflexes or slower, and it’s harder for me to incorporate new techniques into my arsenal. I had a great career, but I think I should just hang it up and pursue a career in family counseling. Just call me the Huntington Beach Headshrinker! Ha ha, no seriously, I’m really sad.”

6. “Holy shit, I won?! Um, I’d like to thank … wait, how did I do that? Like, did I breathe a green mist into his eyes, like the Great Muta? I totally wouldn’t put it past me at this point.”