EXCLUSIVE (made-up) Interview with Nick Diaz!

Recently, I was in the LaBrea Tar Pits museum, and I saw the skeleton of an ancestral California condor. Noticing the similarity between its posture 2770471251_3d51e5444a_medium

Hellacious California Condor skeleton (via Dave's Family Fotos)

and that of Nick Diaz



I decided to investigate whether there was any real connection between the two.


The first step was to have an in-person interview with Diaz, but because he is notoriously tight-lipped about where he lives, it took me significant sleuthing to discover that he spends much of his time in Stockton, California. Nevertheless, Diaz is also quite friendly with the media, so I managed to secure the following interview without much trouble. Without further ado, the transcript:


ME: What is the relationship between you and condors?

NICK DIAZ: Those bitches like to get high, and so do I.

ME: Have you studied them at any length? I see a striking similarity between the way a condor holds itself when it’s about to take flight and your stance when you’re baiting your opponents.

ND: Yeah, I looked at those bird-bitches.

ME: Are there any other animals you look to for fighting tips?

ND: I don’t know, man. I just need to get paid. I got to make money, y’know? I’m sick of being the only person in this sport who has to take a fight every month and not get nothin’ back, y’know? I mean, George St. Pierre, he makes, what, $3 million a fight? And Floyd Mayweather gets, like, $20 million. I need to get paid too, y’know? Why ain’t I getting paid?

ME: So I take it from your answer that you also study the exaggerating hyena? Maybe the hyperbolic fox?

ND: Shit, I don’t have time to study. I’m the … I’m the hardest working man in this business. If I could quit it tomorrow, I would, y’know? Fuck, I drive … I drive a broken down Honda, y’know?

ME: Does the Honda also have terrible takedown defense?


At this point, Nick locks eyes with a passing squirrel.

ND: You want a piece of me, bitch?


The squirrel runs away in a meandering, looping pattern, and into a tree. I should note that its running had nothing to do with Diaz’s mean-mugging and everything to do with the fact that it is a squirrel.

ND: That’s right. Fucking squeaky punk.

ME: Do you have a problem with squirrels, Nick?

ND: Why they gotta hibernate so much, y’know? Why they gotta store nuts for the winter?

ME: I don’t know, but there are probably some plausible evolutionary explanations available.

ND: I’m the only one in this sport that evolves, y’know?

ME: False, but any final thoughts, Nick?

ND: I just want to give a shout-out to my sponsor, borderline personality disorder, and also, Cesar Gracie jiu-jitsu.

ME: Thank you, Nick.

ND: Yeah, OK.

\The FanPosts are solely the subjective opinions of Bloody Elbow readers and do not necessarily reflect the views of Bloody Elbow editors or staff.

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